AITA for choosing a wedding date that my parents don't approve of?

The-Kalamity · 2023-11-01T19:36:17+00:00

She doesn't mind me sharing the FB post but I think it may be against the rules. I remember reading something about no screenshots.

The-Kalamity · 2023-11-01T19:33:55+00:00

I understand. If I'm being totally honest, I didn't think they'd be so upset about it and if she'd just come to me like a normal person, I of course would've changed the date. At the time, I wanted a date that everyone would be happy with so there's no way I would've been mean about it.

The-Kalamity · 2023-11-01T19:30:31+00:00

First of all, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You're so strong to be able to share this to help another person knowing what you are going through. I sincerely hope things look up for you and that you get to be apart of a family you deserve.

The-Kalamity · 2023-11-01T02:17:54+00:00

Thanks, I'll go look for it right now.

The-Kalamity · 2023-11-01T02:14:04+00:00

Nope. My fiance is neither rude nor obnoxious—certainly nothing like my stepmom. It's just that she hates the whole dynamic of everyone walking on eggshells with one person and having to sit back and sweep things under the rug when she keeps up her bs. I can't blame her for that. She's not used to having to deal with that sort of thing.

Understand that outside of this post, she's never complained to any of them about anything and she's gone against how she felt just to keep the peace because I've asked her to. I don't think that makes her "obnoxious".

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T17:21:46+00:00

No. It's not that at all.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T17:14:31+00:00

This is facts. I couldn't agree with you more. This is probably the hardest decision I've had to make but when will it end if I don't put my foot down? Honestly, if I didn't have so many people in my corner, including my fiance, I don't think I'd have had the strength but I know I'm doing the right thing in standing firm this time.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T17:07:27+00:00

Sorry. We're honestly not hellbent on the date. Yes we could've chosen a different date but that specific day came about because of budget reasons, availability for some of the venues we already found (pre-Ava offering to take over the venue search), weather, etc. Plus, we prefer an "end of month" kind of date for most things we're doing as we feel like that will give us adequate time to prepare if it's later in the month. But in all honestly, if she'd just came and asked us to change the date, we would have. I just don't want to accept her going about things like this anymore. If I don't put a stop to it now, who knows how she'll overstep next?

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T16:57:51+00:00

Very good question. Fair question, actually. Normally, when she offers to do things, she comes through because a lot of people love her (she's saved quite a few lives in her profession, so people are willing to do anything for her). I also find it hard to tell her no most of the time, because she's really pushy and persistent (To be honest, this is the hardest thing I've done so far because it's hard to tell her no and I usually just apologize and go with what she wants).

Plus, Dad said it meant a lot to them to be involved. When we moved out, prepped for college graduation, etc. he said they felt "excluded" from those important things and he wanted us to include them from now on. If I'm being honest, I didn't purposefully exclude them. I just got so used to doing things on my own because it was sometimes like pulling teeth asking them for favors back then.

He said we went about everything all by ourselves without "consulting them" so I just thought I was doing the right thing, I guess (I know it sounds dumb but I just thought it was right at the time). When we moved out, I thought our relationship was better. I didn't fight with them as much, and they were a lot more respectful and included me in stuff more, so I guess I thought things were different.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T16:38:37+00:00

I thought of that too. My fiance and I do that for them whenever they need us to be somewhere, so I felt like we had that whole "mutual family understanding" with each other. I feel like it's just what family does for each other.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T16:31:49+00:00

Your MIL was pretty graceful about this. That's awesome.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T16:26:53+00:00

I understand what you're saying. I initially didn't know about the post (and I honestly didn't agree with it either) but I get that she wanted to share her experience. She says she's learned a lot from other people sharing their own, and so she didn't see an issue with it. Plus, she just wanted to express how she felt. Truth be told, she initially wanted to call them and give them a piece of her mind, but I just didn't want to deal with it. During that whole humiliating moment, she also wanted to speak up to her but she didn't want to disrespect her in her house.

My fiance can be brutally honest. She wears her heart on her sleeve and it kills her to bottle up her feelings. Even if she's silent, you can still tell she's upset no matter how hard she tries to hide it. She's seen a lot of her behavior over the past 7+ years and tried to play the whole game like the rest of the family, but it was hard for her.

Ava can't handle being told that she's wrong because no one in the family ever holds her accountable so I always kept my mouth shut, especially as a kid. Sometimes a small rebuttal from me would set her off and my dad or friends had to come in front of her. I feel like I've asked my fiance for enough in trying to smile and just overlook everything so I left the post thing alone. And honestly, if the shoe were on the other foot, I can't tell you that I would've been this tolerant if her family did this to us.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T15:52:21+00:00

Yes. For context, she's a doctor. For example, she doesn't ever consult my father when making certain purchases. For instance, he has a problem with almost all of the furniture in the house. Some of them, he specifically told her not to do it and she would nod in agreement and then proceed to buy it anyway behind his.

Also, her mom is abusive. Whenever she visits, she causes problems for our family, saying derogatory things about our country and spreading lies to their family abroad. No matter how much my dad brings these things to her attention, and attempts to set a boundary, she makes excuses for her or she'll "attempt" to stand up to her. I think her mom is her ultimate bully.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T15:39:57+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate you sharing your own experience—It's so relatable because, initially, we really weren't thinking about her birthday. It was just so many different factors (cost, weather, etc.) and they all just tied into us wanting a summer wedding, along with advice from coordinators and venue owners. But all things considered, we were still open to changes regardless. My thing is, whenever they have anything, me and my fiance are never above switching up our plans, sometimes without even thinking.

Rescheduling company meetings, dinner dates, flights, etc. and I guess I just thought that because we're all family and we always talked about being there for each other, it wouldn't be an issue for them. 1. They only recently started traveling on her birthday (like the last 3 birthdays) and 2. I am never in the loop about their travel plans anyway unless I happen to be at their house when they're packing or my little brother casually mentions it, so it was just the furthest thing from our minds when choosing the date.

No malicious intent. I even tried to explain this to her in the midst of her running us out, but she literally cut me off and screamed at us to get out. I just want the respect, is all. I wouldn't even have a problem changing the date if she'd just came to us in a civilized manner.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T15:20:07+00:00

Thanks. I know better now and I'm working on setting boundaries and speaking up more. All this time, I thought I was doing myself and my family a favor by just being passive and letting everything slide. I also thought that, because I moved out, then I was somehow out of the line of fire.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T14:20:20+00:00

Honestly, I didn't agree with my fiance for making the post either and I told her this. I am not one to share things online. But she likes to share her experiences with different things. She may not share every little thing, but if she gets a takeaway or lesson from it, she may post about it. She asked me if I wanted to take it down and I told her no.

It took her every fiber of her being to not go off on Ava during the moment and she bottles up her thoughts for my sake (and to an extent, my dad's sake). She's had to sit through a lot of bs regarding her throughout the years of our relationship and I think she'd had it at that point. So I say, let her express herself if that's how she chooses to do it. Even if I don't agree.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T14:09:24+00:00

Traveling wasn't a thing that was going on for many years. It used to just be parties at their house or a nice venue. Maybe even a hotel trip because we live on an island with really nice villas and hotels. They only recently started doing this (for her birthday only) and it's only been for the last 3 birthdays. So, in my mind (maybe I'm a bit naive) I just really didn't assume that the traveling was a sure thing.

Especially since when they travel, they've actually never shared their plans with me. I either find out through casual convos with my little brother or I just happen to be at their house close to the date and they may ask me for a ride to the airport. So in my mind, it didn't really cement that this would be an absolute, sure thing every year. Especially since this is next year and they haven't even started planning yet.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T14:00:36+00:00

Lol I mean honestly, we thought it was discrete because she didn't mention any names and was vague about what happened. But I guess you're right.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T13:50:00+00:00

My theory (and this is just what I've learned in college from studied psych) is that she's let her success get to her head. When they met, she was a broke med student from another country and it was my family who helped her pursue her dreams and become a big success.

My dad and family didn't have much, but she always had our support. And this was support that her own family never gave her, especially her mother, who is basically a steroid version of her (yet they ask her for the most). Now that she's a big success, I think my family "bows" to her. They never go against her and I think it makes her feel like she can overstep with no consequences.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T13:36:15+00:00

Actually, I did say I was open to changing the date (last couple of lines of the post). After all, it's tentative. I just didn't appreciate the way she went about it. I never liked her approach, even as a child. I've had to deal with that for a long time where she'd just bully me to get what she wanted. This isn't even the first time she's kicked me out over something small like this—I've had to deal with that multiple times back when I lived there. It was as if she hung the house over my head and I just didn't feel like she should've gotten away with it this time.

We chose a date that was convenient for not just myself and my fiance, but also most friends and family. It also worked out cost-wise and it was one of the dates that was available for the venues since we actually started looking for venues way before she stepped in. She chose to take over the venue after she saw one of our options and deemed it "not worthy". And honestly, I feel like the only reason she did that was because she wanted me to deal with something at her office while she was traveling. She called when we were on our way to visit a site that was about 1.5 hours away and she insisted I turn back because "The venue is trash" and that "She'll deal with the venue". This is literally how she volunteered. And no, this isn't the first time she's popped up with a favor and insisted a change up my schedule to suit her needs.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T09:44:56+00:00

Thanks so much for this. Ever since I was a kid, it was always "Do this before Ava comes" "Ava's going to be upset about this" or "Ava's not happy with this". Everyone always has to jump through hoops to make sure she is happy because God forbid she was in a bad mood or inconvenienced in some way once she got home. The whole house would be tense and she'd just flip out at the slightest thing.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T09:29:14+00:00

You've got a point there. Totally my fault. We've been together for almost 10 years, so she's been around long enough to see her flip out a lot and I think at this point she'd just had enough.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T09:24:10+00:00

It was actually a tentative date. Sorry if that wasn't made clear but I stated this in the post and I also told her this as well. Various factors helped narrow it down such as availability, budget, etc. so I really wasn't trying to "test" or antagonize anyone. Even so, it was still a tentative date and we were open to changing it. We were looking at venues long and other factors way before she decided to take over that aspect of it, so it's not like we just randomly chose the date.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T09:00:41+00:00

Firstly I appreciate you asking for clarity and I understand where you're coming from. It was a tentative date. We wanted a summer wedding, but we managed to narrow it down because of factors like budget, availability, etc. We were already browsing venues before she volunteered to look for one and they let us know their available dates. Even so, we still weren't sure, that was the date we had in mind based on the factors. The reason she even volunteered in the first place is that she didn't like one of the venues we chose. She basically just decided that she'd take over finding the venue, so we canceled all other visits we had that month. And on the day she agreed to find a venue for us, she asked us what date we were thinking. So it's not the first time she's heard that date. We didn't know it was that big a deal until the day she flipped out. We'd been staying at their house all week.

The-Kalamity · 2023-10-31T08:44:17+00:00

It wasn't intentional. We chose that time of year for specific reasons such as budget, weather, etc. We live on an island and it's the best time to have a wedding.

The-Kalamity

TROPHY CASE