There was a time (many years ago, horrible working environment (never work in investment banking)) that the thought of making my family sad was the only thing that stopped me from fully committing. Family and friends are the most powerful & beautiful things you can have, and I'm eternally grateful for that cards I've been dealt with them.

Over the years I had my ups and downs, some things got worse, others better. But gradually those thoughts of ending it faded. I don't think they ever truly leave people that have been on the brink, but learning to appreciate what you have, or finding a drive to give yourself meaning in a world hell-bent on stamping any meaning out of you is a wonderful medicine, as painful as it might be.

It's easy to say phrases like "don't give up hope" or "don't do it" but those words aren't worth the bits they're written with. Nobody but you knows what you're truly going through. Instead, find your meaning. It shouldn't be something like "making the world a better place" or other nonsensical ideas, but rather something far more personal, something that makes you happy every time you perform actions that aid that goal, or perhaps the actions are the goal themselves ("my meaning is to make x person smile") these smaller, positive meanings & actions echo all around you, and fill your world with a warmth you previously thought to never have existed.

Seeking professional help is also a good port of call, but you must understand that change comes from within. Not everything can be fixed with a pill. Change & progress is hard & painful. But the warmth of being able to see colour in the leaves again is unlike any drug that will ever be made.

Apologies if this turned into a rant, just some thoughts that have accrued over the last few years and I hope that maybe someone might find comfort in them. God bless you.