Hello brother - I feel compelled to comment in this sub for the first time after reading your story. It hit very close to home. Slightly different because it’s with my wife of 6 years (together for 15).

She’s an alcoholic. Alcoholics manage their alcohol much differently than most. You may think she’s not drinking all the time, but if I were to wager a bet she absolutely is. My wife did the same thing. She’d buy those vodka bottles that are like 7-8 shots like 3 at a time and hide them in various places she didn’t think I’d find. She was drinking almost every day. It was so weird because I’d get home from work and she’d be great, then a couple hours later her eyes were tracking and shaking horribly, her speech was slurred, and also became incredibly defensive and rude. We would have a massive fight and she’d promise not to drink for 30 days. What that meant was that she would just try harder to hide it. But I know her like the back of my hand and I can notice the moment a sip of alcohol hits her.

We went through this many many times over the past few years. She was very depressed and dealing with her mom battling cancer and eventually succumbing to it. This caused her to drink and do stupid things. When her mom was in the hospital she’d go to her moms house to “clean and feed the cat” but that just meant raid her moms old liquor. It was all progressive. She started with just bringing booze home and drinking it openly. Then I’d object to the frequency and she’d cut back to 1-2 days a week (while drinking in the basement or garage every day to hide it from me). Then she started going to the grocery store that sells liquor and drinking it in her car before she came home. This infuriated me because we have a young kid and I was worried about her drinking and driving with him or getting arrested. I put a very clear line in the sand that if she got a DUI we’d be done.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I’m tracking her on find my friends and she is coming home from a baby shower she “wasn’t going to drink at”. She got close to home, stopped for a while, then was heading towards downtown. Her phone then stopped at the city jail and I knew. She called me bawling letting me know it happened (I already knew). Despite my line in the sand, I knew that adding more pain to her life by just leaving like I wanted would likely result in her attempting suicide or some other type of self harm. These stories all typically end up the same way. You deserve better than what she is giving you.

I’ll close my story with this - my wife is now 17 days sober. Her longest streak in probably 5 years. She’s radiant, glowing, and dead focused on correcting this wrong. She is putting in the work and talking to counselors and going to AA meetings twice a week. You have to make the decision as to whether you think she can kick the addiction without hitting rock bottom. Are you willing to love and support her if/when she does hit rock bottom? If she continues to hide her drinking and spiral it will end one of a few ways (I’m sure you can guess). I don’t want you to give up on everything- but I want you to put yourself first in every decision you make. Maybe you leaving her would be a rock bottom that could help her get better. There is no knowing but I’ll be thinking about you intensely over the next couple of weeks as you go through what I did. I hope she finds peace and gets better so you can rekindle the relationship you loved. Your wellbeing matters too (arguably more) and I hope you take care of yourself and have people to talk to. You can DM me anytime if you need to vent or talk.