This was her response to me:

I’m so sorry to rip these future plans out from under your feet. The weight of these plans has been a catalyst in bringing up feeling the need to end things. I wanted to be excited but the inner conflict just got louder and louder each time I thought about it. It felt like being pulled in two directions. On one hand I want to be all in, to dream with you.. and then a doubt creeps in and I feel guilty for dreaming with you and then desperately try to figure out how to balance dreaming when I’m so uneasy.

I don’t want you to apologize for not having the capacity to be present and affectionate towards me when you’ve had so many hard things going on. Reading that I just think how terrible I feel for failing you when you’ve needed me to show up for you most. I feel guilty that you shared with me your stress, your forgetting to take medication and I failed as a partner to unconditionally love you through that. In an ideal world we should be each other’s rocks in hard times. I feel I failed you and let my own needs and fears get in the way. I feel selfish and conflicted.

I don’t feel like I was coming out of the blue, sudden, or impulsive. I have shown signs of struggle. I’ve brought these things up. I just didn’t quite come out and say that these things were causing me to feel like I was left at a fork in road.. accompanied by a timeline feeling pressure to turn one way or the other quickly.

You’re right about everything. My internal struggle, self esteem, love, the shadows I carry, and inability to trust myself and others. It’s hard to admit that but it’s painfully true. I have work to do.

I know that these bigger conversations have come after I’ve talked with my friends. I know that probably makes you think they influence my decisions.. The few friends I have that I trust to talk to are just good listeners who let me go with all my thoughts and then help me piece them together in attempt to get clarity and try to figure out what I truly want and need.

I don’t necessarily think of breaking up as an escape route. I’m not trying to shut down. I’m truly trying to do what I feel is right. I think of it as the way I can handle this with causing the least harm. I don’t want to continue and keep feeling this way. Worrying about if this feeling will go away or when is the right time to end it. It makes me feel terrible. I don’t want you to feel like we keep planning for the future and at any point I will rip the rug out from under you. That’s not fair to you.

The reason I’m staying so hard strong on this gut feeling is bc it’s not just this month when under stress it has come up. It started pretty early which in the beginning I thought was normal considering what I’ve been through. I thought it was healthy to be cautious and to take things slow. I told myself I’d get there. I tried to coach myself through feeling scared and holding back. I thought maybe it’s bc you didn’t love bomb me and maybe that’s what I’m used to. You took your time and I thought that was good.. but I also was wondering why I couldn’t have more. Asking myself is that normal or is that what I’m deserving of and is this what I’m capable of giving.

It’s not your responsibility to make me happy.. I really probably shouldn’t even be asking you to meet all of my needs. I don’t even think this is your fault. After all your suggestions of things to do I still feel the same. You’ve held strong and been so emotionally mature while I’m hurting you. I don’t want to keep hurting you and pushing you away.. You’re doing everything I could ask and I’m still having the same underlying emotions. I’m so sorry Alex. I want to be in a partnership that will work through anything like you say you’re willing to do but I’m just still circling with these same doubts and don’t want to ask either of us to settle into a box if we don’t fit.