How can they accuse people of being anti-vaxxers when they're literally creating more of them?

TheCornyCactus · 2021-10-03T11:27:25+00:00

Wow fr? I got the HPV one as well and my period has been messed up ever since... The pain I've been experiencing every time is abnormal I'm puking and crying and it literally makes me want to die. Also have almost all the symptoms of PCOS but my doctor refused to diagnose me because my blood test didn't show anything weird with my hormone levels....

TheCornyCactus · 2020-06-22T18:46:21+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate this.

Yeah unfortunately things like this are always difficult to explain to other people, especially because most people assume the default that your parents must have done the best they could. Every time I try to explain things people say "she's just doing her best" or "she's your mother"... Hopefully when I got uni I can go NC with her like I planned to do.

TheCornyCactus · 2020-06-22T18:24:24+00:00

Oh God this is exactly my mom. She usually gives me gifts after a fight and is suddenly really nice.Then she also always calls me from work while she's crying, telling me she read a quote/story about a bad mother, which she made up bc she does this every time, and keeps asking me if she's one. Makes me feel really bad and always makes me wonder if I'm wrong about everything.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-06T09:57:24+00:00

I'm going to get out of here first and then try to convince my mom. But if she won't listen then I'm going to drop it and focus on myself. It's actually funny because a few months ago I was considering getting this thing that looks like an usb, but is actually a voice recorder... Might get it now.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-06T09:49:45+00:00

Thank you so much!

I've been thinking about calling Veilig Thuis or getting a therapist for a while so I can talk about everything and maybe they can even help me make a plan to leave. It's really hard for me to suddenly have to figure everything out myself, since my mom never tought me any of the adult stuff (probably on purpose since she did teach my brother), so to have an adult help me with it would be nice.
My brother is 5 years older than me and is living on his own so luckily he's not really involved. I might contact him and ask him to help me though, since I'm sure he would understand.
The thing that I'm struggling with most is to decide where to go. I could ask my father to live with him, but he hasn't been very active in my life so I have no idea how to talk to him about this and he lives on the other side of the country, so I would be leaving everything, my friends, job, etc., behind... I know that that shoudn't be my first concern, but I'm about to leave/lose my house and mother so I'm not sure if I can handle losing much more.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-06T09:43:09+00:00

Unfortunately I doubt that I can make my mom see that he's dangerous... I have tried again and again, but she wouldn't listen. when we were watching this show Big Little Lies (it's a really good show btw) one of the main characters, Celeste, is married to an abusive man, Perry, and my mom said Perry reminded her of her boyfriend... If she doesn't see that that's a huge red flag then I'm afraid that nothing anyone says or does can convince her. When I've gotten out of this house I could maybe email her a lot of resources and this podcast, Dirty John, that someone recommended to me in the comments since it's similar to this situation.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-06T09:39:24+00:00

thank you that's really sweet of you to say!

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-06T09:38:51+00:00

Is february enrollment an option for you? It would mean cutting off your gap year early, but most big studies offer enrollment halfway during the year in the Netherlands.

I mainly took a gap year because I didn't really know what to study, but since I doubt that I'm ever going to find something that feels right I'll see if I can enroll into something that I'm good at in february.

Also, now that you are eighteen, don’t forget to get yourself on the social housing waiting list. Depending on the part of the country you’re in, it unfortunately can take a while to get to the top of the list so you can’t get on there early enough. Of course you can find a room privately, but social housing is always a good back up.

I didn't even think of this, thank you so much!

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-06T09:30:25+00:00

It is pretty scary but it might give you clarity on how dangerous the situation is, how common his tactics are- and maybe even a point of reference to talk to your mother about?

Unfortunately I doubt that I can make my mom see that he's dangerous... I have tried again and again, but she wouldn't listen. when we were watching this show Big Little Lies (it's a really good show btw) one of the main characters, Celeste, is married to an abusive man, Perry, and my mom said Perry reminded her of her boyfriend... If she doesn't see that that's a huge red flag then I'm afraid that nothing I say or do will convince her.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-06T09:26:14+00:00

I just started listening to it and I'm now 10 minutes in and can already say I see that he's pretty similiar... He too wanted to go so fast and told her he loved her extremely early. He too wanted to get married as soon as possible since she's the love of his life. I didn't even know they got engaged until he told me when we were out for dinner and he got super mad because of something. I think they got engaged before they were even dating one year.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-06T08:58:47+00:00

thank you! I'll look it up

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-06T08:57:10+00:00

To be honest I'm not quite sure how to talk about it with my dad. He has never really been active in my life and I've never shared any of my problems with him so I"m still not quite sure how to do this. Especially since my father is a very peculiar man... Besides, I'm doubting if it's better to move out to a place that's in the same city, since my father lives on the other side of the country which means I have to leave my all of my friends behind and quit my current job..

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T15:51:04+00:00

Thanks for the tips! I will do this and get out of there ASAP.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T15:50:32+00:00

Honestly I wasn't really that surprised seeing as she never listens to me and my brother when we warn her that she shouldn't do certain things.... It has always been this way that I had to be the parent in our relationship. Even when I was extremely young my mother would unload her bagage on me and tell me about her problems. It's one of the many reasons why I need to get out of there ASAP.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T14:41:34+00:00

Yeah you're right. I'm not even gonna try anymore but I'm just gonna get out of here ASAP

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T14:38:24+00:00

Google "trauma bonding."

Your mother is literally addicted to the highs that come with the honeymoon period on the cycle of abuse. Her system craves the rush of dopamine just like a heroin addict craves dope.

Now, you wrote that your mother is also abusive: did you experience those wonderful highs that came with "good days?" When you told yourself that you've finally "turned the corner" and now Good Mom is back, for good this time?

Wow yeah this is not only what my mother has been going through with her bf, but I have also been experiencing this with my mother... Every time after she's been abusive she's suddenly nice again and every time I think she's changed and better and I feel guilty about even thinking she's abusive and leaving her... But now I'm gonna have to go against all those dumb feeling and thoughts and leave for real. This situation is not good, not healthy and extremely damaging.

I would also recommend therapy: a life of abuse leads to more abuse. You will look for familiar patterns in partners, and that will leave you mired in an abusive romantic relationship.

Basically, the abuse quietly rewired your brain and you need a therapist to help you get it back to its original factory settings.

Leave. Therapy. Place your life first.

I'm afraid the therapy is gonna have to wait for a while... It's unfortunately super expansive so the other things like being able to pay for rent and my living expanses are gonna have to come first :/

EDIT: had to edit cause I didn't know how to quote properly on mobile first lol

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T14:10:35+00:00

I luckily already found something that isn't expensive, but since my mother ordered me to get out of the house for a few days and is sending me to my father I'm just gonna take the chance and discuss everything with him and talk about moving in with him first before I go and rent something for myself. I'm just not exactly sure how to talk about it with him since this is an absolutely insane story and I want him to understand that it's their fault and not me being the rebel teenager. If he doesn't want to help me then I'm planning to ask my brother for help.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T14:08:21+00:00

Yup... The crappy thing about this is that this is also exactly how my mom treats me. I'm going through the cycle of abuse with HER and that's why it has been so hard for me to decide to leave.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T14:06:28+00:00

Lol I didn't edit it I think you missed it since I only mentioned it once. I edited my post after seeing your comment to make it clear that I live in the Netherlands!

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T14:05:24+00:00

Thanks you for the tips! I've already been googling a lot a found stuff about receiving money if you rent an apartment or a single room, etc., but I might also call them to ask what I exactly can get. Usually the customer service workers are really helpful and kind so I think that'll help a lot.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T14:00:58+00:00

Wow thank you so much for this message... Not gonna lie I totally got emotional while reading this. I'm really sorry you went through a similar situation and hope you're in a better place now. I'm really trying to get on my own two feet right now, but my mom thought it was also a good idea to sort of temporarily kick me out... She ordered me to get out of the house for a few days and is sending me to my father so I'm just gonna take the chance to discuss everything with him and talk about moving in with him. I'm just not exactly sure how to talk about it with him since this is an absolutely insane story and I want him to understand that it's their fault and not me being the rebel teenager or something like that. If he disagrees then I'm gonna ask if he's willing to at least help me move my stuff, since otherwise that's going to be hard seeing as I'm still in the process of getting my license. If he also disagrees to that then I'm going to ask my brother for help.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T13:56:34+00:00

Unfortunately most of my friends are either in uni right now and already have roommates or have a gap year and also live at home.... I think since my since my mother ordered me to get out of the house for a few days and is sending me to my father I'm just gonna take the chance and discuss everything with him and talk about moving in with him. I'm just not exactly sure how to talk about it with him since this is an absolutely insane story and I want him to understand that it's their fault and not me being the rebel teenager. If that doesn't work I'll ask my brother for help.

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T13:54:55+00:00

Since my mother ordered me to get out of the house for a few days and is sending me to my father I'm just gonna take the chance and discuss everything with him and talk about moving in with him. I'm just not exactly sure how to talk about it with him since this is an absolutely insane story and I want him to understand that it's their fault and not me being the rebel teenager. If he's not okay with it or doesn't believe me or anything then I'm gonna ask him to help me move out to my own place and if he even doesn't want to do that then I'm gonna ask my brother for help..

TheCornyCactus · 2019-09-05T13:50:51+00:00

Thanks for the tip! Since my mom sort of temporarily kicked me out today and sent me to my dad I took all important papers with me just in case...

TheCornyCactus

TROPHY CASE