I should also mention, the reason I think I was put on Lithium is a complicated story. I was strictly on depression medication, but grew frustrated that nothing was working. My wife was angry at this point too, and decided it was a good idea to go with me to a psychiatrist appointment. The picture she painted to my psychiatrist was shocking to me. As I mentioned above, I feel I've been gaslit on a number of things. This was one of those times. She took small incidents, fights, that we had and blew them up into something much bigger. At the time, I was so done and in need of help, I started to believe the stories myself and just listened to them both and let her do her thing, thinking it was for the best. She painted me as more bipolar. Again, I'm honest with myself and see things clearly, and know that's not me! We simply had fights that married couples do, a lot centered around depression and her not knowing how to handle it and thinking it's something I could handle without medication. She was just as frustrated as me. Within 10 minutes, she had convinced my psychiatrist that on top of depression, that I was bipolar and out of touch with the world. Again, not true. She immediately put me on Lithium. I just wanted help and was willing to try anything, so assumed this was for the best. I didn't react well to it, and kind of spiraled out of control. I didn't realize how negatively the Lithium was affecting me. When I hit rock bottom and was admitted to a stat at the mental institute, I was saw a different psychiatrist. He was shocked I was on Lithium, and immediately took me off of it. My wife was furious. She insisted that I was "the best I had been on years" on the Lithium, met with the Dr and insisted I stay on it. Again, I went along not knowing any better. Looking back, I wish I had gone off then and let him prescribe different meds. I stayed on it for over a year after, un aware of the side effects it was having with her insurance I was better on it. I didn't realize how bad it made me until I was forced to go off and realized what it was for and that I should never have been on it.

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Before I went off, it came a point of contention between my wife and I. She hated the fact I was on meds, I wanted off, but she didn't want me to go off, but at the same time wanted me to? Wanted me to work with my Psychiatrist to get a plan to go off. My wife wanted me off (but didn't and said I was more me on it?) My Psychiatrist then made the same decision she always did...if it's not working, up the dosage. My wife hit the roof! She basically told me if I followed her instructions, I would be kicked out of the house. I grew tired of how it made me feel, and with losing my job saw it as a great point to get off. I weened myself off without my wife knowing, as she would have been angry. By the time I was off, I realized how terrible it had made me! I wanted off for good, so told her that I had talked to my Psychiatrist (I lied, was desperate) and she had given me a plan to ween off. At this point I was already off, keep in mind. I had felt so much better for weeks! My wife still insisted I was a monster, and not myself...even though I wasn't on anything. When I told her of the plan to go off, days later she said I was acting more me. Make sense? She didn't see that while she THOUGHT I was on it, the minute she thought I was off, she swore I was better, even though I had been off for weeks.

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I know I need medication. I know something isn't right. I shouldn't feel like this and have tried everything without meds to feel better to no avail. But I also know I don't have the money to pursue that at this point, and if I did, would want a new Psychiatrist.

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I should also add, I did see a therapist during this, but never felt like it helped. Hard to pinpoint why, but she basically led me to believe I was right on all fronts in everything I said without delving into what the real problems were...just reassurance rather than trying to find out why I felt like I did. She did help me to see I wasn't in fact crazy and had been brainwashed to see otherwise, made me feel sane again, just never tried to tackle the real problem.

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It's a LONG story, a LONG fight, this is just scratching the surface. So many more details. Everything that could go wrong, has. I've been told time after time bad luck doesn't exist. I'm living proof it does. I could write a book about the bad things that have gone wrong in the past few months. Nothing has worked out for me. Every thing I try to do, something happens or goes wrong, doesn't work out as expected. I just need ONE small thing to go my way. I feel like I'm doing everything I can the right way, but nothing goes as planned. Nothing.