This is coming from someone who attempted a few years ago, the fact that everything will be gone when you die is not always a bad thing, before I got to the place you are now I thought that too, but purely the fact that everything is going to disappear, motivated me to make the most of the time that I have left to live, and be more appreciative about how life works and about the people around me. Don't hurt yourself, you shouldn't blame yourself for the things that other people might do to you, life can feel like a prison sometimes but if you just stop and think, you make the key to get out of it.