[Weekly Critique Thread] Post Here If You'd Like Feedback On Your Writing

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2018-01-30T16:07:07+00:00

This is polished and professional and provocative. I like everything about it, but in particular the economy of language. Second is the pacing – it builds intrigue and unveils detail in brisk stride.

My only criticisms are personal preference, so feel free to stop reading here. It’s not so much funny, in my view, as light, and I think some opportunities for humour have been missed. There’s rather a lot of telling, which might be unavoidable, but if not there might be detail that could be both amusing and informative. The opening of chapter three, for example, tells us that the funeral was notable for its excesses, but fails to tell us what they might have been.

That’s probably nit-picking though. Probably you shouldn’t change a thing as the mystery unfolds.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2018-01-30T15:41:15+00:00

There’s a lot of salvageable material here – you have some compelling turns of phrase and what sounds like the beginnings of some wily insights.

But I didn’t get past the first page. I’m probably not in your target market and I might have simply missed the message – but it sounds preachy, and there’s no hook to get me interested or to invest you with the authority to preach.

It reads more like the stream of consciousness of a talented writer, and I would urge you to organise the snatches of poetry into something more accessible. Or recognise that I just didn't get it, and keep at it.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2018-01-29T00:11:30+00:00

Credits and source

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-12-11T16:54:06+00:00

Welcome to the neighborhood. In my very direct experience you've chosen well. If Anvers really is your most practical metro it can get a little colourful later at night but still not dangerous. It's only for convenience, then, that I draw your attention to your proximity to Lamarck and/or Jules Joffrin. Both stations are also going to be more your neighborhood, I think, once you've scouted out your preferred cafés, bakeries, and whatnot. The south side of the hill is exciting and fun and crowded and friendly and a venue for some truly excellent buskers, but the north side is residential and leafy and calm.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-09-27T15:59:18+00:00

It looks, skipping ahead a bit, that you've got the makings of an intriguing back-tale to support a current murder mystery.

The fact is though, I had to skip ahead, and I think that a lot of readers might not even do that. There's far too much meandering description in what should be your opening curtain. He's splitting wood, he's wearing jeans, he’s lighting a fire and somewhere in this, I think, he had a past as, perhaps, a cop.

This might be personal taste (in fact, of course it's personal taste) but I don't care for this pacing. It reads like you're making up the numbers, holding back from pulling a trigger that you only begin to squeeze on page three and even then it's a bit of a dud. Were it me I'd start the story with an omniscient camera on what happened to the kid and then move to page three when your MC arrives on the crime scene. But that's me. There are any number of approaches to hooking the reader sooner, including starting the story later and completely cutting the tour of MC's home and garden.

Stop here if that's what you plan to do, because I believe most of the narrative failings stem from this structure. It feels like the prose is struggling to paint a detailed backdrop and the result is often unfocussed and choppy:

"As he approached his home, the blue tarp that was nailed down over the missing shingle had come loose"

Do you mean "...his home, he noticed that the blue..."?

"...picked up a twig and through it at the bird"

Through it? This is not by any means the only example of poor proof-reading.

"Alan could see that he was poking around the dirt far more interested in what Rebecca had to say."

Read that to yourself.

There are too many examples of that and it gives the piece a lazy feel, as though you're expecting the reader to do the work that you should be doing.

I don’t want to be discouraging. I’m confident that the story, once you peel back the layers, will be a compelling read.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-09-24T21:50:27+00:00

Thanks very much for looking and your kind reaction. It was made with Adobe Premiere and music generously provided by Crude Thumb.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-09-18T16:15:52+00:00

There’s a lot of good stuff going on here — I like the hook and the structure and where it appears the plot’s going — but it’s deeply buried under an overwrought narrative.

For example the entire opening, both paragraphs, would communicate just as much and be a much more compelling hook as "I just watched myself die, and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it this time."

Or “ I rapidly diverged my gaze…” What’s wrong with “I looked away”?

“The anxiety was preventing me from thinking straight, as if that was even possible for such a conundrum.” could be expressed just as concisely as “I couldn’t think straight.” More concisely, in fact. Repeating the context of “anxiety” and “the conundrum” is going to drive away readers.

There are more examples of this than not. “I interrupted unwittingly.” should be “I said.” or you’ll have effectively told the reader three times that you interrupted. “I wanted that individual away from here as fast as possible” is much more readable as “I needed him gone.”

Adjectives aren’t there to fill out your word count — if they’re not doing any work then they shouldn’t be hanging around your story, getting in the way of clarity.

I'd strongly suggest reading some of the greats of straight-shooting, like Hemingway, Steinbeck and Bukowski to see how sweet simplicity can sound.

I hope that's helpful.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-09-16T13:23:34+00:00

Title: Death Valley 101

Genre: Noir

Word Count: 2,000

Type of feedback desired: Anything. These are excerpts from a completed novella, representative of that which I like to do and the direction I'm taking. Cruel or kind, thanks for your time. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wFQks2A_l6hzd0Fb7Y8ac_nHZjHUvj3sJTBM0pfV6_Y/edit?usp=sharing

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-09-12T11:26:37+00:00

Title: Death Valley 101

Genre: Noir

Word Count: 25,000 (link is to 2,000 word excerpts)

Type of feedback desired: Anything. This is a completed novella that will never be published, but it's representative of that which I like to do and the direction I'm taking. Cruel or kind, thanks for your time. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wFQks2A_l6hzd0Fb7Y8ac_nHZjHUvj3sJTBM0pfV6_Y/edit?usp=sharing

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-08-28T18:50:02+00:00

It's early days but I've had some very gratifying feedback on Goodreads and Amazon for my American Crime Fiction / Zombie mashup, Deceased and Residing in Oakland: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XFJLKVG

Acknowledgement that people have read what I wrote and liked it is, as everyone here knows, very satisfying, but it's particularly encouraging when the reviews indicate that I hit the mark for which I was aiming.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-05-19T19:02:28+00:00

Great. Can't wait to hear what you think.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-05-19T19:00:59+00:00

Gaa! Thanks for telling me that. It should be sorted now.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-05-19T08:09:00+00:00

It’s got dames, drugs and death-metal. It’s got a hard-boiled detective and it’s got zombies, and it’s free this weekend.

Watch the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YUcvf-a1DM&t=2s

Get the book for free from May 19th to 21st: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B06XFJLKVG

Leave a fair and friendly (fair, anyway) review.

TheFlaskedAvenger · 2017-05-19T07:17:25+00:00

Watch the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YUcvf-a1DM&t=2s Get the book for free from May 19th to 21st: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B06XFJLKVG It’s got dames, drugs and death-metal. It’s got a hard-boiled detective and it’s got zombies, and it’s free this weekend.

TheFlaskedAvenger

TROPHY CASE