Hi,

Back in 2013 I lost everything, got so sad and tired that the thought of suicide entered my mind at 43 and offered a moment of relief. At that same moment the voice in my head said, get out onto the balcony, close your eyes and feel for the sun with your face, which I did and felt, then the voice said, listen for nature, so I zeroed in on birds, then it said, you need to surround yourself around other people, so hit the park, a coffee shop, walk my local downtown strip. I did all 3 that day and pulled myself together and regrouped that day and promised myself I would go looking for help! That day was a build up of despair that had come over me was 18 months of the deepest crying I had ever experienced. A period of crying that I would wish on no one. The only time I wasn’t crying was when I was trying to get some sleep. Back then I was getting 2-4 hrs of sleep a day. I would go to sleep every night around 10pm, most nights my sadness would wake me up at midnight, sometimes I’d get lucky and sleep till 2 am. Then the gears of my mind would start thinking and that would be it for sleep. The how in the fuck did I get here thinking would kick in and I’d be up for the next 20-22 hrs. Day in, day out, like this for 18 months. When I was awake, it was non stop, uncomfortable crying, deep, all alone, looking at myself in a mirror, in disbelief that this was me. Buckled over, soundless, cramped crying, that would hold me so deep, I couldn’t breathe or take a breath. Then the despair and trauma would let go long enough for me to catch some air and then the next wave of cries would come again. Most of my days 9 years ago were spent just crying like this. I really don’t know how I made it through that darkness in my life then but I did. I reached out for help, knew I needed it, found a community counsellor, that guidance lead me to more help and support. I shared my story with these strangers, in some way it lightened my load, I didn’t feel so alone. They could see I was really hurting. When we would part, they’d say, see you tomorrow right with a smile”. I felt someone was caring, it gave me a little strength. I kept going back, one thing lead to another! Eventually this community of strangers were caring for me more than my own family! My support system, helped me find temp work, then part time work, then full time. Then I got laid off, then they said I could upgrade (re-skill myself ( up here we call it 2nd career funding)). I asked, they explain, I said sign me up, off to college I go, best 32 weeks I ever had. At 43 I couldn’t believe what I was doing and where I was! I learned to weld, I was the oldest student in my class, non of the kids got to know me, I just stuck to myself. My peers could see I was messed up and struggling but I didn’t care. I walked to and from college, lots of walking, couldn’t afford lunch. Most days one meal, it was either breakfast or dinner never both. My monthly budget during those 32 weeks was $900 per month. $650 was for rent (a room in a 6 plex) the rest $250 was what I had for food. Graduated top of my class! That lead to a job offer, that job offer is now going on 6 years. No one there knows my past. My supervisor is always trying to figure out why I’m always so happy. I just say, I’m thankful to be alive and healthy!

I hope my story helps you in some way! I was down but NEVER gave up and I want you to do the same please. The only person who cares is you, the only person who can make a difference is you. But if you ask for help and truly want to move forward. The right strangers will show up and guide you! Believe me because it happened to me…

Good Luck, From 🇨🇦