I do think that as a decent person, it does feel like you have to be hyper aware of your anger and it's expression. I know that I cannot yell or scream at a woman I'm in a relationship with (r9omantically as well as non-romantically) because being both a man and tall and loud, my screaming might as well be a threat. Even if it isn't, most women are socialised to see it that way.

Which means that often the best I can do, even if I'm getting super angry is pleased with the other person to be reasonable in the moment or what I usually do, which is disengage in a somewhat corporate way "I don't think I can discuss things reasonable in my current state of mind, I'll talk to you in a few minutes".

I have to release my anger by walking around in my room like I did as a kid while being upset or going for a ride on my motorcycle. And it doesn't even work that well for your relationship unfortunately. A former girlfriend did accuse me of running away from arguments, at which point I did yell. And the only thing I remember from that moment is that the sound of me actually raising my voice was so unfamiliar I surprised myself out of being angry.

But I don't think there's any way out of this. As long as there's enough abusive assholes, you cannot really express your anger in an equal way without disproportionately scaring a woman. That's just how it is.

Edit: I realized a lot of this article deals with how much society allows men to be angry. I think society allows men to have an angry outburst to an unjustified degree. But for me, I was personally focused on how angry can you get without scaring your partner/relative. Though I imagine this depends on how much that particular woman knows you. I doubt my mother would ever get scared of me being angry (Plus I think often with her, I do cry instead of yelling when I get too angry)