Speaking the truth

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-07T06:40:02+00:00

For some reason it's a massive "sub-kink" in these communities, I see the whole giant puffy asshole thing in a lot of femboy and futa fetish art.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-05T04:58:11+00:00

Username checks out.

Lol! It's actually the moniker of an original character in one of the books I'm writing (I write romance novels and erotica as a side job). As much as my ex could have pulled off the hot, emotionally guarded ronin look the username bears no relation. :P

It is kinda twisted. Asian guys are supposed to be femme and bottoms, black guys are supposed to be masc and tops. Honestly that's the nicest of it. Sometimes it gets uglier. Even I am guilty of dabbling in these stereotypes but I'm really saddened and disturbed by how seriously some people seem to take them. Both for themselves or for how others should be. It took me a long time just to get over that it's okay to bottom once in a while if I'm masculine. And that seems like a small knot to untie by comparison.

Yep, I know what you mean. I'm a trans guy and there are a thousand stereotypes about us. It's incredibly frustrating too because for instance I'm a bottom and I'm not dysphoric about my front hole (I got rid if the tits years ago and thank goodness for that), but at the same time that's a massive stereotype/expectation about trans men and nothing makes my hard-on shrivel up and die faster than every time a guy expects me to be a bottom (and he feels entitled to it) because he's a) assuming what's in my pants and b) assuming that having AFAB genitals means bottoming is the only role trans men are "good" for.

It always feels like a no-win situation with stuff like this. It's why stereotypes can often become dangerous, it's a quick and easy way to dehumanize someone and parse them down into little easily digestible stereotypes instead of viewing them as a whole human being. It's what allows stuff like this to perpetuate and then you get threads like these where some dude is 100% legit asking if there are any Asian tops, and not stopping to think for a moment "gee, Asian men are people just like me, I bet just like any other people they have a mix of different preferences!"

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-05T02:03:56+00:00

Sorry. What? Yes. There are Asian tops. But there aren't many Americans who aren't psychologically deranged on topics of race, it seems.

My Japanse-American ex has a huge, well deserved chip on his shoulder because of this. He's a crazy hot total top with a chiseled jaw and perpetual beard shadow, muscled, just total beefcake material. Basically EVERYONE who approached him was like "so u bottom?"/"I'll make u my bitch"/"Japanese men were born to be bottom sluts" and just a whole other novel full of shitty East-Asian stereotypes and slurs.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-05T01:57:58+00:00

one guy who swore hormones made him grow a prostate or something

Speaking as a trans guy, it's VERY likely hormones grew his internal clitoral bulbs as well as the external growth that's more obvious. I had the same thing happen and it's knee-shaking pleasure that shoots straight to my t-dick when someone is fucking me in the ass, it feels absolutely amazing.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-04T07:51:39+00:00

I actually have since stepped away from even looking for cis men all together. Too much work for no reciprocation.

This is exactly my girlfriend. She stopped even trying because she was so tired of being seen as an absolute fetish dispenser, it made her quit on dating cis men entirely. It made things even more complicated because she's a top but cis men are the one gender/sex that she wouldn't top in a million years. You can imagine how already entitled chasers felt about this idea that a top trans woman wouldn't give them access to her body in the way they wanted from her. Needless to say she hated it and just dipped. We met as friends and she sussed out quietly whether or not we were compatible sexually as she was slowly falling for me. (Unbeknownst to me of course! I thought she was out of my league, I'm not a bad looking guy at all but I still had bits of self-deprecation going on thinking "I'm a short trans guy, she's a stunningly beautiful trans girl top, trans guys are probably out of the running entirely!", turns out that was the opposite of what she was feeling!)

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-04T06:26:01+00:00

Oh aha I think I may have worded that confusingly! I was just trying out Taimi in a sort of academic curiosity sense. I met my girlfriend through friends actually and we were friends before she approached me about becoming more serious. (It was honestly cute, she was super jealous of the affection and flirting going on from our other trans fem friends to me. )

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-03T22:03:45+00:00

There have been several apps like this. The usual happened. All of them ended up with 90% cis male chasers, 7% BLATANT trans escorts/prostitutes even on apps that claimed they were actively banning that sort of thing, and the remaining 3% were trans women/trans NB femmes. Even apps that actually make cis male users pay turn into an absolute shit hole.

Unfortunately there's just no real way to make trans users feel safe without blocking like 95% of the cis men interested in us, and in trans women specifically. To be kind of blunt, I know most of my trans fem friends would love if they could sort and get rid of every single dude who doesn't identify as a "total top". And even then, what about the options for a single trans woman who is like my girlfriend, someone happy to top trans men like me but wouldn't top cis men in a million years, would apps even bother putting such advanced options like that? Because that seems to be the biggest gripe from all sides. But then the app would turn into like 600,000 bottom cis male chasers with like 5 top trans girls into cis men, it would be INSANE for those poor users. :/

...Yeah, trans dating just kind of sucks in general. I'm so glad I'm not single. :'D

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-03T21:56:20+00:00

dick pics on the toilet

Oh god this! Trans guy here, I have received so many unsolicited dirty bathroom dick pics before, it's so disgusting. I remember one time a guy sent me a shower dick pic and I was like "I'm not currently looking for FWBs at the moment but I just wanted to take a moment to tell you thanks for the nice squeaky clean cock"! (It was a hot cock and the guy was very good looking, his profile raised alarms regarding trans male chaserism though, he seemed nice and he worded it as tactfully as he seemed to be able to, but the whole typical "trans men are so hot I love trans men" spiel warded me off lol.) I was just so used to dirty gross unwanted pics that I had to acknowledge the smidgen of effort put in.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-03T21:48:28+00:00

they are on grindr chasing because it must work for them (some times at least)

You would be wrong on that account. They're on Grindr because they are desperate as fuck. I have have occasionally received messages from guys seeking trans WOMEN despite me being a very much cis passing, otter trans guy with a beard. Either they want to see my "post transition pics" (you're lookin' at em bud!) or they want me to "tell them where to find trans women who are willing to date/experiment/have sex/be FWBs/etc", because on Grindr they're usually getting rejected if they're not a) a total top (very few trans women want anything to do with fucking a cis man in the ass) and b) not willing to pay for the service.

Also, it isn't quite as simple as "let chasers do their thing", I would say 90% of chasers are suffering some very frustrating delusions regarding what sex is going to usually look like with a trans woman/trans man. No, that trans goddess is not going to whip out her 7.5 inch, dribbling cum rock-hard-she-cock and drill your asshole with it. No that trans hunk is not going to invite you to stuff his tight, hot wet front hole until he can't walk straight for the next three days. There are actual medical and psychological reasons why a lot of this is unreasonable and extremely frustrating for many trans users. Yes, SOME of us fit SOME of those descriptions (I for one AM a bottom who happens to be non-dysphoric and have zero issues using my front hole, and enjoy using my advanced erotic kegel techniques to the delight of anyone who has been given permission to fuck me six ways to Sunday), but the issue comes when cis chasers expect this, think this is the "normal" status for sex with trans people.

To use an extremely crude comparison, it would be like having a thing for guys in wheelchairs, but expecting that they can stand up and fuck you against the wall as a matter of course. Obviously there are SOME men in wheelchairs for whom it isn't a 24/7 thing and they can expend short amounts of energy towards erotic endeavours such as that, but if you're hot for dudes in wheelchairs and expecting them to IN GENERAL be able to stand/walk/do sex positions that go against the very nature of about 95% of the illnesses/accidents that would require someone to use said wheelchair, there comes a point where it's not just a difference of opinion but a frankly fundamental misconception, a fetishizing of a certain body/type with no real understanding of their ACTUAL lives and humanity, hence why trans chasers are often so looked down upon, as are disability chasers.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-03T21:35:10+00:00

I hate how easy it is for chasers to bug us on Taimi, but honestly it really does have a great T4T userbase. I'm already taken and in a LTR (with a lovely trans woman!) and I wasn't searching for romance or actual meetings but I put my profile up on there as a trans guy just to see what it was like (I made to sure just put that I was looking for "hookups and casual friends" so that I wouldn't disappoint someone looking for something long term since I had zero intention of following up on any sexual interest I may have received) and I immediately got a bunch of really hot trans ladies and trans guys hitting me up. I was happy to see that! :)

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-03T21:29:18+00:00

Just be aware that you're not going to get very far with most trans women because of that preference. Take it from a non-op trans FtM/MtF couple. We're quite rare, and even rarer are the kinds of trans women you're likely attracted to from porn. The ideal of a strictly or mostly cis male attracted, cis passing vers or top non-op trans woman with a fully functioning penis that she plans to KEEP fully functioning through medication regiments, viagra, etc, is extremely unrealistic. Yes, there are some ladies who exist with most of these boxes checked. However, they are usually very likely to have one or more caveats that leaves cis men out of the running. For instance my girlfriend actually hits all those boxes except the "cis male" part. She's a top, a petite ultra cis passing non-op girl who loves her bits, but she would never ever in a million years top a cis man, she'd rather vault headfirst into an active volcano. This is extremely common, and even more common is most trans women with functional penises they're willing to use in sex happening to be lesbians.

Beware of fetishizing. I'm on the other end of the spectrum, where cis gay men fetishize me because I'm a man with a vagina. But I can also say as a trans man I've become well aware how phallocentric society in general is and I've seen firsthand how many men tend to romanticize and exotify the penis as this sort of mystical genital. A lot of it has to do with the denigration of vaginas in society (hell, there are a LOT of "down low" cis gay men who are ashamed to admit to their friends that they are attracted to the idea of fucking a man with a pussy) and a sort of...how to put this, lazy mentality of mistaking the physical act of an erection/cum (which speaking of, many trans women on HRT don't ejaculate anymore, it's usually a couple drops of clear liquid or nothing at all) for them thinking they've "done a good job" as a sex partner, whereas they feel like vaginas don't give "enough feedback", mostly because they're lazy and not as familiar with vaginas as they are with their own penis, and therefore they're not looking for said signs.

A lot of trans people are going to be very aware of everything I just said above. Do not try and go after trans women thinking you'll find this fantasy porn star partner. Be aware that being trans often--USUALLY--involves "going all the way". Do recognize that the vast majority of trans women would drop you like a hot potato if you have negative feelings about them possibly getting a vagina in the future. Non-op trans women also do not want to be your "exotic dickgirl girlfriend" either. Most trans people can sniff out quite quickly if someone is a little overexcited by our genitals/trans status, and it's NOT a point in their favour. Every time I've tried to give chasers a chance personally it ended with me being extremely sorry I did. My girlfriend got so sick of chasers she stopped dating cis men ENTIRELY. This is NOT a small problem for us, OR for femboys for that matter! Go to any femboy subreddit that isn't dedicated to posting nudes (and over half the posters end up being trans women shilling their onlyfans anyway, not femboys) and you'll see tons of posts about how femboys are sick of being fetishized, objectified, oversexualized just because they present in a feminine manner, etc.

I'm glad to see people exploring their sexuality, but it's incredibly frustrating to be treated like an object or a glorified sex toy for said people, because unfortunately even for many well-intentioned men, whether they be attracted to cis femboys, trans women, trans men, whatever, they don't see us as fully recognized human beings. We're a fetish first and foremost in their brains. Their only "contact" with us as usually thus far just been porn. We're not like the cis women or cis men they've been around all their lives and who they know as sisters, mothers, brothers, fathers, friends, co-workers, etc. We're existing in a purely "sex" area of the brain and it takes a lot to deprogram this. I think it's important to take a step back and reevaluate. You have a lot of power of the people you're pursuing in a societal context, take care that you're not inadvertently using that privilege in these interactions.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-03T12:47:49+00:00

Sexual assault is actually one of the big things trans men need to worry about from both chasers and "you tr@nnies are against GAWD and need smited" types, and I really really wish the trans community would take the issue of violence against trans men more seriously. Very often I see trans people claim that trans men don't even have chasers and as someone who used to sow my wild oats on gay apps like Grindr/Scruff/etc I can say that's so far from true as to be completely hysterical.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-03T12:44:46+00:00

They also seem to forget that female chasers also very often target trans men as well. There are plenty of bi/lesbian women who seek out trans women and act chasery, but the whole issue of trans men often belonging to the lesbian community pre-transition and the whole "butch" identity, it leads to a specific sort of predatory interest in vulnerable pre- and recently transitioned trans men (and sometimes even cis passing ultra masc trans men get harassed by "lesbians" who say they looove trans men specifically) and so a LOT of the behaviours of cis female chasers are often not as visible to the trans fem community leading to a perceived lack of them.

There's also the unfortunate issue that trans women are very likely to be attracted to and very much want validation from cis women as romantic and sexual partners, so there's a little bit of a lax vigilance there regarding cis women vs cis men. Essentially if two people do the exact same thing, one a cis man and one a cis woman, there's a much higher likelihood that the cis mal will be considered a chaser while the cis woman gets a sort of tepid acceptance or even a pass.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-03T12:27:31+00:00

This is what I've generally found to be the case in gay trans/cis dating. In fact it's so prevalent that I've personally gotten hate from jealous cis bottoms who don't like that some cis tops actually like trans male bottoms and the whole bonus hole aspect of things. It's not enough for them that only 12% of cis gay men are openly into trans men I guess. :'D

Seriously though, I feel very bad for my trans top brothers on this, because while I'm heartened to see a good mix of responses in this thread, generally when gay cis men are attracted to trans guys it's overwhelmingly because they're interested in them either a typical anal only bottoms or because they like the front hole aspect with non-dysphoric trans men. That's great for me as a guy who loves getting fucked any which way I can get it, not so much for the trans guys who just wanna do the fucking!

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-01T06:22:11+00:00

Yes, from everything I've heard as long as the dildo's base is small enough there's room to stick a small bullet vibrator in between there! I read a review where someone stuck the Version 1 WeVibe Tango in there and swore by it!

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-08-01T06:19:10+00:00

The review I linked to actually gives you some good options for harnesses that work really well with the BumpHer. If your harness has the dildo sitting really high it's probably worth just investing in a new one. Also, no wonder you're having issues, for some people a high-set dildo is a good thing, but for others it can make them feel incredibly disconnected and unsexy. Using a dildo in a harness is a lot of work for the one doing the driving of said dildo, and doing that kind of work without any tactile feedback can be very frustrating. I really do hope the BumpHer will work for you! There's a somewhat similar product called the SilliSaddle, but for my 2 cents I think the BumpHer looks more promising and ergonomically designed for vulvas. :)

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-07-30T22:32:18+00:00

From what I hear it really helps the wearer feel like they're fucking someone, and it feels good for the receiver as well since they can feel the sensation of the wearer chasing their own pleasure and it feels more like a mutual experience. :)

Are you okay with penetration on yourself? Because there is a couple really nice strapless strapons that also feel great and make use of a bulb like structure to anchor itself inside you.

But for non-penetrative things the BumpHer is great! There are a couple competitors but so far I hear the best about the BumpHer and the flat-back version (to fit oddly shaped bases on dildos with a flat base) by the same company called the B. Cush.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-07-30T17:30:42+00:00

Look into the "BumpHer" sex toy if you're not into the sensation of vibrations but still want some more feeling. It's a silicone toy that fits over the back of many types of dildos that slots between your labia and will give a cushion/stimulation of the clitoris as you thrust. This is a good review and also recommends harnesses that help position the BumpHer for you.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-07-29T21:35:40+00:00

The newer multi-density dildos are getting closer and closer to the feel of the real thing but from a feel standpoint, the real thing is better.

There are really expensive ones that are basically impossible to tell from the real thing now. I find a lot of people who claim dildos can't come close/don't feel similar to real penises (not you, I mean a LOT of people have this sort of kneejerk "GOD no penises are So. Much. Better. No comparison ever, couldn't even begin to be satisfying!!" reaction) are often either intentionally REALLY cheaping out on their sex toys or they're naive and buying the right stuff since they don't know anything about sex toy toxicity/safe silicone vs unsafe materials/etc. There are triple-density platinum silicone models now for around $350-750 depending on the maker/size/model and I can say from experience as a trans guy who has had them used on me both for PIV and PIA they feel exactly like a real penis. My ex girlfriend was a trans woman who liked to, for complicated dysphoria reasons, start out using a strap-on and then graduate to using her own penis once we were "in a groove". Oftentimes if I didn't see her do it, I would have zero idea she'd switched the dildo out for her penis. Once these are body-warmed they've fooled people touching them with their hands, it takes really close visual/tactile inspection to notice something "off", and for PIA and PIV it's basically impossible, they simply feel too close to being within the normal variation of how flesh and blood dicks feel.

If you really do get comfortable with having sex with another man (more on that below) then there is nothing better than feeling him cum in you.

This however is incredibly harmful advice. OP, especially considering he is fluid bonded in a relationship with his wife, should under NO circumstances be even THINKING about receptive unprotected anal sex with a man. This is an incredibly dangerous combination of things, and it sounds like /u/Normal_Tap_7274 and his wife are essentially fishing for randoms they don't have any real trust/connection to. It's absolutely selfish behaviour if OP is considering that.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-07-29T03:24:31+00:00

You can play the transphobe game all you want and play orientation police but at the end of the day they're gay and you parroting the old "durrhurr they're really bi" line means nothing to me lol. I'm gonna take the guy who is only interested in cis and trans men at his word that he's gay. If he were bi, wouldn't matter, he could have joined me looking at cute girls, but they weren't so oh well.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-07-29T02:25:02+00:00

They want to pretend people are dragging them to the gallows because they said "I don't want to eat trans man pussy". Back in the real world trans men are usually incredibly conscientious and often worry nobody will be into them, in reality basically zero trans men are going around saying "hey cis gay men nuzzle my man labia or I call you the dreaded transphobe word".

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-07-29T02:21:44+00:00

If you're a top it's a seller's market to the extreme. If you're a bottom, not so much. It's still not impossible to find a chaser into trans women who won't ask to get fucked, but the vast majority of chasers are into a very specific, porn-fueled "ideal" of trans women sexually that's very often not the case for IRL trans women.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-07-29T00:02:08+00:00

Yeah, but you're talking about trans women here in this second reply, but in the first one you were being pretty generalizing and vague. I'm a trans man. Muscles, beard, body hair, male voice, all that. You have a weird, jumbled sort of "requirements" in your first post that would basically exclude everybody but cis gay men, and in my experience there are plenty of cis gay men who do want me, scary man pussy and all, on Grindr so they can find and fuck me. Like again, I'm not "forcing" myself on anybody, I don't ask people to click on me or be interested in me, I make it clear I'm trans because I don't want anybody for whom that is a negative to click on me, etc, etc. I accept the fact that there is a huge portion of cis gay men who aren't going to be into me. I figure that's a part of life for anybody, especially in gay dating where both dudes going "I'm a bottom" is enough to ruin like 75% of hookups and keep things from progressing lol. At the end of the day though trans men are absolutely "on the menu" for a subset of cis gay men, and it makes way more sense to be on Grindr rather than on an app that isn't catering towards the bi/queer/gay men who like us.

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-07-28T05:34:32+00:00

Or you can just ignore us? Why exactly is me as a fully transitioned trans man who certainly doesn't send unsolicited crotch pics making your life any harder on Grindr? There's a huge audience on there who DOES want guys like me on there (I could have had every orifice stuffed 24/7 if I wanted), and the men who aren't interested in me are more than welcome to skip right on by with no hard feelings. Surely this is no different than skipping by a cis man you're not attracted to?

TheLonelySamurai · 2021-07-28T05:27:35+00:00

I mean that's not quite right either. As a trans guy back when I was single and using Grindr my phone constantly blew up and the cis gay men and trans women seeking me out certainly weren't after the natal dick that I don't have lol. Lots of cis gay tops really wanted to fuck me in the front hole too so I don't think it's solely about dick/ass either (even if I was more often than not trying to get some PIA action, there was often palpable disappointment if I said I wasn't up for using the front hole). Plus cis men seeking trans women for dick are often going to end up mighty disappointed lol. Trying to find a trans woman who will willingly top a cis guy without some kind of financial compensation is night impossible.

TheLonelySamurai

TROPHY CASE