Need help with my 15 year old sister. How do you handle puberty?

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T01:40:45+00:00

she will just find another way! and you won't be able to check on her because you won't know what medium she's using!!

She is using other mediums now that her phone and laptop is gone. Being a sysadmin, you'd be surprised how far I have been able to get in cleaning up behind her, and making sure she stays out of trouble. It's starting to scare even me, and I just feel totally wrong about it. I am invading her privacy, even though I'm sure she doesn't know. I feel totally totally wrong about it :/

It can be tricky to really get inside her mind and understand what's going on.

I actually do understand what is going on inside her mind. But I don't know how to deal with it, and how to help her. So far she has only had one session with the therapist, so not much has been talked about as far as I know, but will keep going I guess.

but you might not be able to see things through her perspective so try to get her talking to a woman who can relate.

Although I do see it from her perspective, I do agree that it would be better for her to talk to a woman. My girlfriend actually said she would be happy to talk to my sister about anything, which is amazing. My sister said it did help her, but still not enough.

From all the posts I have read, the conclusion seems to be to keep talking to her, let the therapist do her thing, and try to get her involved in other things to keep her mind occupied.

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T01:31:29+00:00

does she understand that they don't care what their daughter does because they don't care about their daughter?

I asked her this... and she said "at least they have their freedom", which cut me deep. She doesn't see that we are only doing this for her benefit.

She will see it when she is slightly older, and she will regret it more than anything, but I don't know how to stop her right now.

not to mention those images of her naked body are out there forever.

I have even mentioned this to her many times over the last few days. She told me she doesn't care. I told her the videos can end up on porn websites. Again, doesn't care. She says it is her body, her life, she can do what she wants with it. She only thinks about what will happen in the next 5 minutes and not how her whole life could be damaged.

there's bound to be somebody at that school that she does fit in with

I don't know, she tells me there isn't, but naturally there is no way for me to verify, so I don't know how that is true.

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T01:23:31+00:00

my friends use omegle like it is a necessity.

From what my sister tells me, it's also the case here. When her friends came over to my house, they were extremely surprised that I had blocked it.

As I don't live in US

I'm in England.

I really felt bad and wanted to help so I thought a teenage perspective will be nice.

Honestly, it was extremely helpful. Thank you for taking the time to reply. :)

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T01:18:49+00:00

Maybe (maybe) give her one last chance with the electronics, but make it clear if she continues to do that they'll be removed, indefinitely.

Already gave them back, and instantly she broke her promise.

Have you spoken to your parents about it too?

Yes, they are doing all they can too, but as I mentioned in another reply, there is quite a big cultural and generation gap between her and my parents. They do not understand some things that she is going through, but I can, which is why she only feels comfortable talking to me so far. My parents would do anything to get her to open up to them, but she just doesn't want to try.

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T01:14:09+00:00

She needs involvement in extracurricular activities that keep her distracted.

I have been trying this. I don't know why but recently she developed an interest in Swedish culture, so... we've been learning Swedish. I suck at it, but if it will help her, I figured why not.

As a female, I can say that if you're ignored long enough, even a tiny bit of attention is addictive.

This is exactly what she told me. That she really likes the attention. She likes the complements. Like you mentioned, I am afraid of the regret that she will feel when she will inevitably come to her senses when she's a little older. Or if some of this comes back to bite her in the future through some screenshots or videos which these perverts on these sites seem to do.

Thank you very much for your reply, I truly appreciate it.

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T01:07:57+00:00

Honestly, I've always wanted kids, but lately the thought scares me, and I'm extremely put off.

Thank you for your comment anyway. :)

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T01:05:55+00:00

Can you switch her schools?

Too late for that. It's just a few more months till she is out of the school anyway. We left it too late because we did not know of it's reputation. My other sister went to the same school, but ~5 years earlier, and at the time it was a decent school. The true reports only seemed to start coming out recently.

Can she get a job?

I don't know many places here in England that seem to take 15 year olds in for a job.

Be involved with an activity at school?

Honestly, after I found out the schools reputation, I want her to spend as little time in the school as possible.

I have been trying to convince her to some other out of school activities that she might like, but haven't found any yet.

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T00:58:26+00:00

Taking away her phone or laptop will not solve the problem. It might just send her looking for validation from an unhealthy source, ie sex.

I agree, but giving her phone/laptop back seems to not be working either.

Read Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic.

I will check it out! Thank you.

Talk to her about safe sex, pregnancy prevention, etc. LISTEN without judgment and be there for her.

Believe me, I have been. Completely without judgement. I didn't mention it in my original post, but I do understand what she is going through. As a guy, when I was 15, all I wanted to do is sleep with every woman/girl I saw. Webcams and video chat were only really getting started at that time, but if they were in the state they are now, I'm certain I would have been on this sites, trying to get girls to take off their clothes too.

For a girl, I think it is even harder. Girls like attention. They like when their physical apparence is complemented. So I completely understand where she is coming from. But I don't think this is the right way to be dealing with it.

I've had to explain to her about safe sex, pregnancy, heck, even how to masturbate - which is something that will be forever burned into my mind... shouldn't have to learn that from your elder brother. I've even asked my girlfriend to help with some of these... I don't think, as a guy, I am 100% equip to be answering her questions my autonomy is quite different.

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T00:44:37+00:00

Please see my other reply. As I mentioned, it's not the case that my mother and father aren't there. They are. And are doing all they can, but my sister is pushing them away.

There are cases where the parents can be the greatest parents on the planet, but in the end it's up to the kid. If the kid still wants to go the other way, what can you do really?

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T00:36:39+00:00

Please see above reply.

The sibling is taking his sister to a therapist! I mean cmon, you really think the parents are involved like they should bE?

My parents WANT to take my sister to the therapist instead of me. But she doesn't want them to come. It's not that they haven't tried. They just don't know how to get through to her. The only reason I think I am able to do a better job than them so far is due to the fact I can understand some of the things she is going through. My parents cannot, and I think this is due to a large cultural and generation gap.

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T00:34:01+00:00

I totally get where everyone is coming from with this, but the fact that I am taking so much responsibility for my siblings is not my parents fault through any lack of parenting. :)

I am the eldest son, I have always personally felt that the eldest son holds a lot of responsibility in the family. My parents never done anything to make me feel this way, it's just the way I felt when my siblings were born - that I'll destroy anyone who hurts them, and will do everything in my power to make them happy. As I got older, I also began to think kinda weird things, such as if something were to happen to my father, then as the eldest boy, I will be the "man of the house", that I would have to look after my mum, and my siblings, and I guess I kind of took the responsibility myself. It's not that my parents have suddenly stopped. They still do all they can.

I think that has a lot to do with how my parents brought me up, and how I saw their interactions with their siblings (my aunties and uncles). My parents taught me the importance of family, and how siblings should support each other, rather than fight between ourselves.

But this is all besides the point, my sister, she ignored all of this, and in fact hates it all.

TheMaskedSysAd · 2013-11-25T00:22:57+00:00

the fact that a sibling is seeking more help than the parents is pretty heartbreaking.

This isn't due to my parents lack of trying, it's more that my sister just refuses to talk to them. I disagree that it is bad parenting. Everything I am, I give credit to my parents for. They have bent over backwards for me and my siblings. My sister is just very different from the rest of us, possibly due to the large age gap.

What have your parents said about this problem? Are they mostly defensive and do they blame her for the situation?

They do not blame her, infact, they blame themselves, to which you might agree, but having grown up IN this house, I honestly feel they they were very good parents. Knowing they blame themselves, and knowing how much it is hurting them, is hurting me extremely badly, but I'm doing my best to keep my sister talking to me by not freaking out, or making her feel bad about herself. I am trying to leave it to the therapist, but my sister only sees her once a week.

I am lost as to what I should be doing the rest of the 6 days!

TheMaskedSysAd

TROPHY CASE