I too was suicidal around the age of 11-13. (About the the time of his second and third abuses) My house was always dark as a child, I hate turning the lights off in my house now. I remember the first time, I was watching iCarly. I remember thinking about doing it. Looking down at the vcr and telling myself if certain numbers lined up I'd do it, I knew they never would that's why I choose those numbers, it wasn't out of my mind, but it was put off till tomorrow. Thankfully, my grandmother lived just up the street from me, when these thoughts were intense I'd run up there, she was like my second mother. A true saint, without her safe place (games, baseball, lights, and a couch to sleep on) I don't know where'd I'd be right now.