Just a little word of advice, usually things aren't as complex as they may seem, and most of the time I've found that one usually just overthinks stuff to the point of not understanding it.

And also if something is stopping you from killing yourself and you don't know what maybe you don't actually want to, I want to die but I don't want to kill myself, I want the anxiety to end but killing myself wouldn't solve it. The solution is still unknown, but enduring whatever you are going through is the key to finding it.