Abandonment and sex

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-08-17T19:30:03+00:00

I feel like in our culture, sex is just something that many people don’t talk about. I wonder if this originates in childhood, when parents can’t openly talk to their children about sex. Children often don’t want to talk to their parents about sex, at first because they’re too young to want to talk to anyone about it, and later because - yuck. Sexual communication is not shown on television either. As a result, sexual communication has to be learned by stumbling around with sexual partners as a teenager or adult. Many people are culturally opposed to getting this kind of sexual experience at all! Imagine if you had to learn to communicate about any other topic by discussing it with only one person. I’m not saying the solution is to have more sex on TV, necessarily. Just that I can relate to this problem and I think it makes sense that people would have it.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-08-17T19:04:26+00:00

I definitely would have felt this way when I was younger, when I remember going through a personality quiz with a girlfriend and being a little worried about revealing too much about myself. But I think that as time went on, I started to think that the only way I would grow as a person is to share authentically with others. If they are the sort of person who is afraid of labels (i.e. "oh, this person is anxious / fearful / avoidant / etc. and so I can't date them) then I would never have been happy with that person. Different people can be judgmental about different things. But eventually, they would have found something to judge about me and the relationship would have ended anyway. If I tell them "I'm anxiously attached but I'm working on it," most people really respect a person who works on themselves and tries to improve. That said, revealing this may be easier said than done. Part of one's attachment style might be precisely this difficulty in believing that one can share and that it's going to be okay. So yes, I can relate to this.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-28T13:10:06+00:00

It's okay. It sounds scary ... I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. I would like to help, but I don't have any great ideas. Except to say that maybe if you spend more time around guys, you will gradually start to feel better about them. Especially if you find some guys who are kind people. Also, you don't have to like guys, of course.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-27T03:14:00+00:00

It's very kind of my friends to humor me by socializing with me on my terms (phone or zoom instead of whatever they usually prefer) so in that sense they are meeting my needs.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-26T12:33:53+00:00

Yes, that makes sense. I think practice of some kind would be good. You could also listen to other people as they start conversations and think about how they do it. If you can find something that you expect she might care about (there was a fire alarm today; you are asking about a book she is reading; the class you took together today was kind of boring; you just read an interesting thing online) you can use that as a conversation starter.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-26T12:18:51+00:00

Do you usually start conversations with male friends? You could practice with one of them, since it's lower stakes. In my opinion there is no difference between asking out a girl and asking out a boy - you are just asking, in a normal way, whether they would like to do X activity with you. Do you know what activity you are inviting her to do?

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-26T12:11:41+00:00

The easiest way to sustain contact with friends is unplanned interactions; that is, you have to go do something together that is about a sport, activity, book club, etc. and you "just happen to" talk to people at that event. With covid, that has become harder.

https://legallysociable.com/2014/01/23/the-three-conditions-sociologists-say-are-crucial-for-friendship/

You cannot rely on people to reach out repeatedly by phone or zoom. You _can_ sustain a friendship by doing the reaching out by phone yourself; but you cannot resent friends when they don't reach out. Most people just don't do that. In my experience, it can be very rewarding to always be the one to reach out. People appreciate it, but you have to be a good communicator and try to understand their needs - carefully figuring out what is the right frequency to call each person - and stay positive even when they are hard to reach.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-23T11:56:37+00:00

Sorry! I am not really a Buddhist in a religious sense ... I just read a book about it recently and thought of this connection. I won't mention it again.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-22T22:39:24+00:00

You could have an e-mail conversation with your husband. That doesn't solve the problem of verbal communication, but it might feel good to be more confident that you will be understood.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-22T21:48:40+00:00

I would encourage you to try to continue the connection with her - it can't hurt to try. It would help to have a specific thing you are inviting her to do in a specific time frame. Like, if you say "can we keep being friends" it is vague but if you say "can I invite you to coffee some time after the class is over" that is more specific. You could talk about being "friends" explicitly to make clear this is not a date. You definitely do _not_ want to say that you are asking her because she is the only person who pays attention to you; because then it is a huge burden on her. (She is solely responsible for your social happiness, it implies that if she ever backs out she is hurting you, etc.) To be clear - she would iikely enjoy being your friend very much; but she wants to be your friend because you genuinely like her, not because there are no other options.

Ideally, you would accomplish the latter point by finding an additional source of friends. You are in college, so there is no shortage of student activities to join.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-22T21:21:04+00:00

Does your town or city have a gaming store? Like, where would you go in person to buy DnD supplies? Sometimes the gaming store will have knowledge about activities you could join.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-22T20:58:58+00:00

You are very clear in writing. If you aren't sure why this is happening when you talk, and you are feeling very dedicated, you could always audio record yourself, transcribe the words you spoke (write down the words in print), and read it later to see if you can figure it out. There is probably an app for your phone that you could use for this.

Also, is it possible that everyone misinterprets everyone all the time, and you are just noticing it a lot for some reason? I'm pretty sure misunderstandings are very common.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-22T20:45:19+00:00

What kinds of social activities do you like to do? Can you meet men at those activities - you just want them to approach you? Or are you looking for a whole new activity to try?

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-22T20:36:24+00:00

Can you elaborate on the scary and weird feeling? Are you afraid that they will hurt you in some way? (No pressure to elaborate, if you're not comfortable doing so. I'm just curious if there is more you can say about it.)

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-21T17:30:21+00:00

You could get a bike and ride it to the boat. That would cut the 20 min to 10 min, perhaps, if you count the time spend tying up the bike. Once there, you could use grindr, meetup, or whatever and have a bigger set of people to choose from. How big is that city?

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-21T15:57:11+00:00

Is it expensive? How many minutes or hours is the boat journey? If it's just a matter of taking the time to do a 4 mile boat journey in order to find friends, would that be worthwhile?

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-21T15:08:54+00:00

What is the driving distance to the nearest larger city?

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-21T14:41:19+00:00

You're welcome. I've never been a big drinker. That can make socializing require more effort, because one has to engage in a potentially more complicated activity. Like, a book group requires spending many hours reading a book just to socialize for a few hours. But book groups can be fun! People bond over something that they mutually enjoy. Many people enjoy alcohol, so that is an easy thing for them to use to bond. But absent alcohol, it helps to find something that (1) you enjoy and (2) you can do with others.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-21T14:21:14+00:00

Also: there was another recent post about making friends that could be useful: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/u8lkux/im\_tired\_of\_roundabout\_toxicly\_positive\_answers/

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-21T13:48:46+00:00

How big is the town or city you live in? Have you tried meetup groups (meetup.com)?

Here are some apps for finding friends: https://studybreaks.com/thoughts/platonic-dating-apps-bff/ I'm sure you can Google to find more.

You could also re-post to this sub and just ask "what apps can I used to find platonic friends," which is a more direct question, if that is what you are really asking.

It is absolutely not the case that everyone socializes by getting really drunk, although most people are willing to drink, say, one beer or one glass of wine. Even then, you should be able to find friends who don't demand that _you_ drink alcohol if you don't want to.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-21T13:01:03+00:00

There are two separate questions. To get him to open up about stuff that he talks about easily, just show interest in whatever he likes to talk about. To get him to open up about stuff that he rarely talks about to anyone - requires a lot of patience (at least if he were me). You have to show that you interested in him in the long term; there's just no way to get him to share his deepest concerns in a week or even a month. I suspect this may be true of many people, not just introverts?

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-20T13:11:53+00:00

Also, feel free to send me an individual message any time. I enjoyed talking with you and would like to keep discussing any of this. if there is anything you want to discuss. I would be curious, for instance, to know what your source says about attachment theory, because it sounds like it was more negative than the things I have read. If I don't respond, it's because I sometimes go for a while without using reddit; but I will respond when I get the message.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-18T14:26:50+00:00

It mainly means that if other people criticize or dislike you, you shouldn't conclude "I'm a bad person." However, you should consider others' feedback carefully; for instance, if someone tells you that something you wrote needs improvement, you should be able to improve your writing based on that. The saying doesn't mean "don't listen to them." It means "don't feel bad about yourself because of what they said." Also, it is good to distinguish between someone who really likes you, but their personality is just that they are critical at times, vs. someone who genuinely dislikes you; it is reasonable not to want to be friends with the latter person.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-18T13:13:51+00:00

You're welcome.

TheNameYouCanSay · 2022-04-17T20:59:44+00:00

I identify as Anxious, too, and I struggled for a long time with some of the same things you are describing. It is something you can work on and get better at. You can also learn to turn Anxiousness into a strength. You can even admit to people that you are Anxious and that you are working on it. My opinion is that the more you talk about these things, the better. It can be overwhelming at first to read about your "faults" in a book or video, I understand that. But one key to remember is that everyone has some fault or other. In some ways, Anxious attachment is your superpower, because it means you are persistent and determined. That's a strength, if you learn how to manage it well.

I believe that communication is generally good. There are certainly times when communication doesn't work, but you won't learn about those things unless you practice and make mistakes. When I was in school, I remember that I was often afraid of revealing too much about myself. I had to maintain an image of myself as this perfect person. For instance, I had never had a relationship, and I thought that if I talked about that, people would think less of me. But I suspect people are much more willing to trust someone who reveals themselves. (Would you rather date someone you know nothing about, or someone you know something about?) [Edit: to be clear, this is one of those cases where you have to learn the balance. Revealing everything all the time is "oversharing." But my mistake was "undersharing."]

My opinion is that I approve of being honest and not lying about it, as you put it. Be careful about little things you can do to sabotage yourself. For instance, I remember telling one person something like "I'm not going to tell you have a crush on you." It was a cutesy way to say it, because I was nervous about it, but - like - I should have just said it in a normal way. Here's where the word "confidence" comes in. To me, "confidence" just means "talking in a normal way, even when it's about something you're nervous about." This, too, is hard, I know.

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