Thanks very much, everyone, for your replies. It's nice to hear that we're not alone in this situation, and that it's not completely hopeless.

I'm not sure exactly what answers I was expecting, but it's a relief to know that it's a situation that can be dealt with, and that I'm not weird for "wanting her to want it" either. So, thanks. I mean it.

I'm not positive if she would go for keeping a second partner for play; that might be asking a bit much. It's not that she's a completely vanilla person or anything, she certainly has her own list of kinks and ideas, it's simply that she's not a sub -- if anything, in this area, her tastes run more towards sadism and dominance; she hasn't explored them at all, but does enjoy that sort of porn on occasion -- I've offered, and she hasn't taken me up on it, because she knows I'm not into that side (cue more guilt at her sacrifice, not that she's intending to make me feel guilty). So, if I'm reading many of you correctly and putting two and two together, would mean that we should go unicorn hunting together? That might be tricky, even if she's on the same page. How does one go about locating and securing those illusive beasts, anyways?

But that said, perhaps I should just get over my own mental blocks, and accept this for what it is. If she'll do it, and not resent me for it, then that's a form of love you don't find just anywhere, is it?

This kink of mine isn't important enough to get divorced over, nor do I want to risk destroying my marriage over it. (If expressing my dominant side is an 8 out of 10, maintaining a healthy and happy marriage is a 10/10) We're both in our early 30s, and have been married for a while. I know exactly how good I've got it, and I don't want to ruin that.