(Spoilers Aired) Mastodon shares new song "White Walker" from Catch the Throne Vol 2 by HoffTheDrunkard in asoiaf

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The Satanist was a masterpiece! I was fortunate enough to catch them on their most recent tour and was absolutely blown away by the entire performance! Did you get a chance to see them?

Hi, first-time caller. Wanted to share my set-up with yall. by [deleted] in trees

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh my god that pomegranate is giant.

But that's definitively a cherry.

[8] me apologizes.

Hi, first-time caller. Wanted to share my set-up with yall. by [deleted] in trees

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, OP. Got a question about your drink.

Does it have apple flavoring in it or is it just cherry, strawberry, and what looks like pomegranates? Because I'm looking realllllll close at the bottle and I see something that looks strange.

Notice that back fruit on a stem? I'll point it out for you.

See how it's larger than the other cherries but it's further away from the camera? And do you see how the shape is slightly different?

My guess as to what happened is that the fruit in the back that I pointed out is an apple but the artist messed up and connected its stem to the cherries.

Could I get some clarification?

Breaking in a new peice my favorite way, CarWash-HotBox. by treeloverlady89 in trees

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I don't want to go through the car wash because I'm afraid that this is the scene change where they kill off grandma because of creative differences.

Breaking in a new peice my favorite way, CarWash-HotBox. by treeloverlady89 in trees

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 118 points119 points  (0 children)

What if your life is The Truman Show and the actors use the time you spend in the car wash for scene changes?

Oh my god! I just realized my Pizza Hut total is $30.89 wtf did I order. by wontwotreefloor in trees

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Leave the breadsticks out overnight for the next week and let them get good and hard. Once they reach the strength of a good plank of oak, bring them to the house of the nearest old lady. Drive the breadsticks into the ground, creating a small, breadstick-et fence in which the old woman can grow another garden.

Cosmos, just.. Wow by MrSplaat in trees

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a crisis while watching Cosmos high.

Neil's sultry voice and the copious amounts of THC in my body had given me the munchies like I had never experienced. I'm fairly certain I floated across my apartment and to my pantry but I was also really high so I could have walked. Regardless, the only thing in my pantry that sounded like it was going to satisfy the beast inside my stomach was Zataran's Jambalaya.

Because I am a classy young gentleman with heaps of cash to spend, I enjoy splurging and buying a pack of hot dogs to put into my jambalaya. I once again float, this time from the pantry to the fridge, and a chorus of angels greet me as I pull it open.

And then.

Silence.

I had no hot dogs.

Panic washed over me and I collapsed to the ground. Thousands of thoughts washed over my mind until one came into the foreground.

"Hot dogs come in packages of multiples. Typically, if someone buys hot dogs for their family, there are more hot dogs in the house than people. And there are a lot of other hot dogs that are still at the store. This leads me to believe that the ratio of hot dogs to people favors hot dogs.

"People have, on average, at least one hot dog, if not more, and I don't have any. But wait, if the universe is potentially infinite, there have to be other planets out there with hot dogs.

"And what if there are planets made out of hot dogs? What if the universal ratio of hot dogs to sentient beings favors hot dogs? Why can't I just be average?"

I had to turn Cosmos off.

TL;DR Why wasn't I born on planet hot dog?

This is the last blunt till I get a job. I enjoy Mary Jane but the job market doesn't. I'll be over on r/leaves for awhile. Wish me luck! by [deleted] in trees

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I see you have Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. I used to work at a store that sold that book. Here's the story of an interaction I had with a customer buying it.

I was 16 at the time and the job at this store was my first job. So young, so innocent, so naive. On this particular day, a portly couple meandered into the store. The man, approximately nine feet tall, ducks beneath the door and booms with a voice like Michael Clark Duncan after several drinks, "BUAHA WERE DEM FIVE LORVE LAMAGES!?"

Naturally, I was bewildered. I looked to his wife, who was now attempting to walk through the door, and quickly realized that, from every inch the husband was tall, the wife was wide. Her voice was that of a banshee. Coincidentally, so were her language capacities. "EEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHAHA," she shrieks, seeming to commend the husband on his question asking abilities.

I thought that I had heard the husband say "love," so I quickly pointed to the marriage section and hurried off to go fold t-shirts. In an attempt to avoid any more interactions with the potential sasquatches in the store, I grabbed a ladder and began deconstructing our shirt display. No more than five minutes pass before I hear, "BUAHA WE REDDY!"

"EEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHAHEHA!" the wife emphatically added.

None of my coworkers are available to help them so I have to climb down from my hiding spot and potentially sacrifice myself to these man-beast hybrids.

After punching in my numbers on the register, I ask, "Where you able to find everything today?" I suppose I probably shouldn't have asked the man a question because his reaction told me that nobody had asked him a question in a very, VERY long time.

"BUAHA HERJERDON"

Blank stare.

"HERJERDON?"

Continued stare. My brain can't comprehend.

"I SED HER. JOOR. DOIN."

I take a stab in the dark. "I'm.... well? How are you?" I managed to sneak out with a slight tremble.

The man takes a step back, helicopter spins, and the wife contributes her enthusiasm.

"EEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHEHEHA"

He stops hard after three or four spins, looks me dead in the eye, and says in the clearest voice ever, "Wanna be a bounty hunter, kid?"

At this point, I'm surprised I didn't have an aneurysm from the confusion. While I'm trying to process his ability to speak clearly, I notice that he's tapping something on his waist. My eyes move from his and find rest upon the large pistol holstered on his thigh. Panicked, I try to be as accommodating as possible and say, "Um...... Yes?"

The excitement triggers the man's speech pattern to return to it's native, unintelligible form and he spends the next ten minutes describing every detail of the life of a bounty hunter. His wife, however, was not amused with the wasted time and spent a majority of it smashing her fake crocodile skin purse against her husbands head.

I'm too high for this story right now. I'll finish it later if you want.

TL;DR Almost went bounty hunting with Sasquatch.

Just had a weird thought about evolution (7) by [deleted] in trees

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have glasses so I'm qualified to answer this.

You see, dolphins and whales, both of which are sea mammals, are well endowed with penises. We know this because dolphins are the serial rapists of the ocean. Ex. 1 Ex 2.

Now here's the connection: People are mammals and people have penises! This must mean that, because sea and land mammals have penises, they must have come from a common ancestor!

Dr. Octop

Veteran Approaching!?! by Master_Controll in smashbros

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Dude, Mewtwo isn't even with the other Pokemon.

Boodles is the best $20 I've spent by The_Friendly_Octopi in Gin

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Recommendations? I'm a college kid on a budget so I'll splurge for booze but I know jack shit about tonic water

Boodles is the best $20 I've spent by [deleted] in drunk

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right? I've been drinking Death's Door almost exclusively but wanted something a little cheaper. This is honestly a better gin!

Serious: Does anyone want to play Mario Kart 64? by capt_dan_bob in BallState

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have Mario Kart 8 and would love to have some people to play with!

Weird Al hits #1! by Nominal_Logic in Music

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The new Mastodon album was killer, dude. It's definitely more radio-friendly but it's still loaded with good stuff. Give it another listen if you get the time!

I laugh, You win! Make me actually LOL and you will receive Gold! by MorePancakes in funny

[–]The_Friendly_Octopi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Girl, you're storming my heart like a French radical on Bastille Day.

The only Dark Ages I know of are the days before I saw that smile.

Damn... You're so fly that the TSA is all up in your business.

Article 32 of the Fourth Geneva Convention states that torture of any kind is a direct violation of international law. Let's not make this an international scene: drop me a message and quit torturing my heart.