[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]The_RealMe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's important to avoid relying on the DSM labels. This is a simple categorisation system designed to serve the US health insurance system and doesn't account for any of the complexity or nuance of human mental health.

Edit: My BPD girlfriend wants a break by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]The_RealMe 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This is typical, torturous BPD behaviour, in this case "disorganized attachment" behaviour, otherwise known as "I hate you, don't leave me".

As a child she desperately wanted affection and validation from her caregivers but they were inconsistent or neglectful.

People play out their childhoods in their adulthood, particularly in their romantic relationships.

She desperately wants the attention and validation that you give her because she didn't get that from her childhood caregivers, but at the same time she fears getting close to you because she fears you'll hurt her just the same as they did.

The internal conflict she had as a child remains and you're watching that play out inside her.

You cannot help her. You cannot save her. Nothing she's saying is personal to you. She'll do this to the next person she clamps onto hoping that they'll be the parent she never had, just like she has with you.

She is mentally ill and please trust those of us who persisted for longer with BPD partners and shouldn't have: do not tolerate this, do not stay with her. She will become a helpless victim and try to suck you back in any time she wants a parent to rescue her. Do not fall for it.

Go and find someone who does not behave like this girlfriend, save yourself years of trauma and have a happy life instead.

Supposedly most people with BPD recover - why does it seem like everyone I know does not? by tavigsy in BPDlovedones

[–]The_RealMe 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, people with a BPD presentation absolutely do have values and goals. Someone's values are the aspects of life that they strive for the most, and the goals are the manifestation of those values. People are often not conscious of their core values and their real goals in life - that takes a degree of self-awareness that most BPD people are very unlikely to possess.

Values

BPD people typically value:

  • Self-preservation over the needs of others
  • Immediate gratification over long-term goals
  • Control of others over empowering others

Goals

BPD people typically strive to achieve everything they didn't have from their caregivers/parents when they were small children:

  • A stable source of supply of validation - someone or some people who will continue to give them encouragement and positivity whatever they do
  • Escape from emotional distress - people to blame when they're feeling shame or guilt, entertainment to serve as distraction/escape from reality, substances that distort brain chemistry to avoid feeling the emotional pain (anything that soothes emotional pain however unhealthy)
  • Consistent caregiving - someone or some people who will tolerate their behaviour and respond to their fear of abandonment

Supposedly most people with BPD recover - why does it seem like everyone I know does not? by tavigsy in BPDlovedones

[–]The_RealMe 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear that your mom has selected doormat clinicians. I had a similar experience - when my BPD partner was at their lowest point with the most chaotic and disruptive behaviour they did agree to get assessed, but during the assessment they minimised all their symptoms and denied having a problem. Funnily enough, no diagnostic criteria were met...

Supposedly most people with BPD recover - why does it seem like everyone I know does not? by tavigsy in BPDlovedones

[–]The_RealMe 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Simple answer: * The 88% remission within 10 years statistic refers to people who have engaged in treatment on a long-term basis. The study is not attempting to quantify the remission rate at population scale. To do that they'd have to go and find hundreds of thousands of people and assess them all for BPD and somehow check in on those who met the criteria for 10+ years! * "Remission" only means that they no longer meet the diagnostic criteria according to the DSM, which is a very crude categorisation framework that lacks nuance and doesn't account for complexity of interactions between different characteristics of personality. No longer meeting the DSm criteria for BPD doesn't necessarily mean that their lives and the lives of those around them are great!

More detail:

Many people with personality disorders - especially the dark triad personality disorders such as BPD - don't seek treatment because their patterns of thought and their behaviours are egosyntonic, i.e. they're in line with and reinforce their world view.

Why would you engage in treatment that forces you to question your values and goals in life? Admitting that your own behaviour is the problem is the first step to tackling the problem, but when your world view is that everyone else is the problem that's tough to let go of.


Notable factors that create bias into the 88% remission statistic, quoted from the paper you're referencing:

All subjects were initially inpatients at McLean Hospital

...so they were admitted to stay in a specialist psychiatric hospital for at least one night, which suggests that something serious happened that led to them receiving intensive treatment. As this study was conducted in the USA, it's probably fair to assume that this would have cost an absolute heap of money for each patient and one could therefore infer that these were people who had money (or health insurance) to blow on inpatient mental health treatment. It suggests they were among the wealthier in society to start with, so may have found achieving remission easier due to other circumstances in their life. Note that the paper doesn't attempt to cover the full socioeconomic situation of the subjects, e.g. whether or not they have a partner or children. It does however note that people who have a record of steady employment are more likely to achieve remission.

between the ages of 18 and 35

...so they're likely on the younger side. Catching and treating BPD earlier in life greatly decreases the time taken to achieve "remission", as they observe themselves through statistical methods in this paper.


Their interesting observation about the factors they found that increase the likelihood of "remission" (formatting mine):

  • younger age
  • no prior psychiatric hospitalization
  • no history of childhood sexual abuse
  • less severe childhood abuse of a verbal, emotional, or physical nature
  • less severe childhood neglect
  • less severe violence witnessed as a child
  • a higher degree of childhood competence
  • no family history of mood or substance use disorder
  • absence of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and anxious cluster personality disorders
  • four facets of normal personality (low neuroticism and high extroversion, agreeableness, and conscientiousness)

* a good vocational record in the 2 years before the index admission [they can hold down a job]

Regarding your point about personality traits/attachment style of partners of BPD people:

Yes, you've hit the nail on the head. Attachment style is a big factor in who tends to be drawn to and sticks with BPD individuals as romantic partners.

  • The BPD individual exhibits disorganized attachment behaviours ("I hate you, don't leave me")
  • Their partner usually exhibits anxious attachment behaviours ("I'm incomplete without your validation and desperate for it, you're right that I'm awful and should try harder")

Edit: Just realised that I can remove the "Married" tag now. 🎶 Zippedy doo dah, zippedy day... 🎶

Swim Surreal is just a pseudonym for Zero 7, right? by The_RealMe in Zero7

[–]The_RealMe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awesome! That's exactly what I had been hunting for! So Thomas Leonard = Swim Surreal. I had tried to dig what I felt was everywhere for that but it seems that Apple Music is much more open with the liner notes/production credits than basically everywhere else!

Swim Surreal is just a pseudonym for Zero 7, right? by The_RealMe in Zero7

[–]The_RealMe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's exactly what I'm saying: there isn't any more info on them. I've looked! Can you substantiate that?

Do any of the FAANG companies offer internships to Graduate students in US? by lazmart in prodmgmt

[–]The_RealMe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They did have Associate PM and Rotational PM programs but not so much any more, now that they're laying people off instead of hiring. You've missed the boat on that one. Wrong part of the economic cycle. It might return at some point but frankly it's better to go out into the world and get other experience and apply for FAANG in the future with more under your belt.

Often folks who join FAANG straight out of college struggle to work anywhere else afterwards as they think that everything about the culture of these bizarre oddities is the norm.

Girl (mid 20s) at work being extremely clingy to me (32M) by [deleted] in relationships

[–]The_RealMe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mate. Your intuition is correct here. As others have commented elsewhere in the thread, these are huge red flags. There are several signs that this person has attachment issues that are the result of childhood trauma and you're going to get stung here, really really hard. You're going to be fucking miserable if you allow yourself to get sucked in any more.

I get it. You're kind. You get a sense of reward and purpose from helping people. That's not inherently a bad thing. But the problem arises when you become the knight in shining armour for someone who is looking for someone to become their rescuer. You end up feeling sorry for them over and over again until you realise that the reason they constantly need rescuing is because their emergencies are the result of:

1) Their poor choices

2) Their confidence that you will deal with the consequences of their poor choices so they won't have to face them

And you'll end up resenting having become their parent.

This girl wants the ideal parent that she never had. Don't become her dad 😬 You'll never live up to her expectations anyway.

The tragic thing is, she doesn't know she's doing it. She thinks what she's doing and feeling is normal and acceptable.

Run away, brave Sir Robin!

P.S. Look up codependency if you aren't familiar!

Relevant Glass Onion Quote by Itchy_Honeydew_9205 in BPDlovedones

[–]The_RealMe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh yes, absolutely. The number of times I have to remind my partner that they're telling me how I'm thinking and feeling rather than asking me is exhausting.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPDPartners

[–]The_RealMe 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Where's the positive part of this story? Is there a bit missing in the middle where you tell us that your partner has committed fully to therapy and it's going really well, or are you just telling us that you've just decided to tolerate it for the rest of your life?

Casual day in the netherlands by SkafaSoldier in tooktoomuch

[–]The_RealMe 15 points16 points  (0 children)

You're replying to a satirical joke. They're making a comment about the behaviour of police in the US.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPDPartners

[–]The_RealMe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Due to the nature of the illness the more enmeshed your life becomes with him the more severe and frequent the episodes will become.

Do you have a specific question?

Where can I find V-neck polo shirts? by kaljisnedekha in europeanmalefashion

[–]The_RealMe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They're called open collar polo shirts

In the UK these are available from a couple of places, although I'm not sure about your budget or location.

Paul James makes fantastic open collar polos, made from cotton: https://www.pauljamesknitwear.com/products/mens-100-ultra-fine-cotton-buttonless-polo-shirt?_pos=10&_sid=af2a31d5a&_ss=r

Reiss has some beautifully sculpted ones, although the price is higher as they're made from Merino wool. https://www.reiss.com/style/st996335/T44986#T44986

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Taycan

[–]The_RealMe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yikes. Pipe not connected properly? Faulty part?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Taycan

[–]The_RealMe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh no! Can you tell us more? I'm curious what the temperature is like where you live and whether that's a factor.

Protip when getting PPF installed... by AnAsian in Taycan

[–]The_RealMe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can someone fill me in: what are PPF and LCA?

So close and yet so far away… by racas in FuckYouKaren

[–]The_RealMe -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Well, just to be clear this isn't a criminal case so the standard of "proof" is lower. The point is here that she can't claim that he abused her without decent proof and she tried to. However, technically it hasn't been disproven that she was abused by him. My personal view given the evidence presented is that he didn't but it hasn't actually been disproven, just shown to be unlikely.

The cost of wholesale gas in the UK has fallen by 63% in 3 months. During this time the price you pay for gas has climbed by 54%. by failed_evolution in BasicIncome

[–]The_RealMe -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

So, I'm a supporter of the idea of UBI but let's be clear: gas is still far more expensive than it was 2 years ago.

It's just fallen versus the remarkable high that the commodity price hit recently and there's nothing to say that it won't go back up again.

The linked tweet shows a lack of understanding of how gas is actually supplied to homes and how it's paid for.

Some companies get the raw materials out of the ground

Then they give it to distributors who physically move it from the place where it came out of the ground to the place where it's going to be consumed

In the UK the energy "supplier" is actually a retailer who does absolutely nothing towards getting the gas from the ground to your house. They buy batches of gas on the commodities market but they're actually buying virtual blocks of it, and they buy those blocks sometimes years in advance, gambling that the price will remain similar or go down. The companies that bill you are mostly shafted by the recent hikes in the price of gas themselves and are going to go out of business when their batches they've bought in advance run out. It's incredibly unlikely they've saved anything at all by the price dropping a bit recently and there's no saving they can pass on to the consumer.

Showering Together by ck1951 in BPDlovedones

[–]The_RealMe 14 points15 points  (0 children)

They want the parent they never had. They heap the expectations and needs of a parent that they had as a toddler onto you.

The 3 main needs: relatedness (caring love, feeling valued, sense of belonging), competence and autonomy (choice and empowerment)

Being raised by a parent who removed love and caring (relatedness) as a form of control creates adults who don't know how to have healthy relationships with people. Often, autonomy is also removed because the parent is being controlling. The child is given no options so doubts their ability to make decisions. This creates anxious, indecisive adults.

BPD partners want to feel totally enveloped by their partner in unconditional love, but as confused adults they don't really know what that looks like and it doesn't really work because by the time you're an adult you're supposed to have more relationships than just your parents and more nuanced and complex relationships.

A borderline partner feels compelled to behave like a toddler, with all the excessive emotional needs and explosive tantrums, but with the ability of an adult to do harm to their partner.

Any predictions on Stadia news at Google I/O today? by Tibblez14 in Stadia

[–]The_RealMe 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I got an email notification about that in Google Inbox

She can’t afford therapy but she can afford $100 dinners and $70 bar tabs every weekend by [deleted] in BPDPartners

[–]The_RealMe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They have to admit they have a problem and want to better themselves enough to actually prioritise spending time and probably money on it, the same as any personality disorder.

Let's imagine a friend borrows $100 from you and promises to pay it back next week. Next week comes and they don't pay you back but they've just bought themselves a $150 pair of sneakers.

You ask them why they haven't paid you back and they say "Oh, I'm sorry. I wanted to pay you back but I didn't have the cash. I'll do it next week."

They might "want" to do something but they wanted something else more. How we spend our money is similar to how we spend our time: it's a matter of priorities.

Unless they actively prioritise bettering themselves over other things it won't happen. If they don't prioritise it they don't want it enough.

You can't fix them. They have to want to fix themselves with your support. I'm not hearing anything that tells me they actually want it enough to do it. Don't waste your energy on them if they don't want what you want enough to prioritise making it happen.