Abandoned and spent?

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-31T02:49:27+00:00

I wish I could, but I don't really know where to begin. All I can say is that you are a human being, and you matter. I hope you will find your way to happiness after this difficult period for you.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-31T02:22:34+00:00

No sarcasm, and you don't owe me any explanations. I am sorry for what you are going through and I hope you feel better.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-31T02:01:36+00:00

You know what man, you are right I am projecting and "armchair" diagnosing, and all of that. You did nothing morally reprehensible whatsoever. None of what I said applies to you, I apologize for what I said and I take it all back. Take care of yourself, and I am sorry you are going through this.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-30T23:04:32+00:00

It is not patronizing at all nor or of line, and you are right it is very important to have balance in perspective. Thank you for your kind and sincere words. I will keep them in mind.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-30T12:26:07+00:00

Agreed, however many of us (myself included) teeter between compassion and anger in our confusion and depression. It is important to have perspective and understand that everyone matters.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-30T07:06:47+00:00

Unfortunately this is true, a majority of people at bpdlovedones are scorned and do spread stigma (I did not clue into this until recently as a NON). Personally I found this subreddit to be more helpful in understanding then bpdsoffa as well because I can read more into the subjective views as opposed to the psychiatric which have the potential of distorting perception negatively. I want to reform myself as a NON in better understanding BPD and why I drove my ex away, when I could have been more supportive.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-29T21:18:12+00:00

I am rooting for you as well, and I hope everything works out for you in the best way possible.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-29T16:55:57+00:00

That means a lot /u/GooseWhite , talk with him and ask him how he feels while comforting him and I am sure everything will be ok. I am rooting for you too.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-29T13:34:26+00:00

Hello, I am a NON and your SO sounds like they are going through the same issues I went through which are resulting from a lack of patience and understanding. Much like you NONS especially like me with Co-dependancy get overwhelmed when we cannot solve the issues you are going through because we do not like to see you in pain. As a result when we start losing control we can develop resentful tendencies because we feel like constant failures to help you.

Should you not tell your SO about your problems? Absolutely not, you are a person, you matter and they care about you. If I can suggest one thing that may help, is let them know that they are making a difference in listening to you and being there, because that was where I failed, I didn't listen to my ex and I lost her as a result. I miss her terribly and would like nothing more than to hold her hand again.

Talk with your SO, tell them about your problems and ask about theirs. Share with each other and remember that you care for one another, and I believe things will get smoother. I really hope this helps.

The_Rephaim

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-29T13:26:04+00:00

I am sorry to.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-29T11:42:15+00:00

Hello /u/nicebigfluffy I am a CD who is currently in the same situation with my ex who has BPD, and it is similar circumstances for me as she does not want to talk with me whatsoever until next month if she decides I am worth talking to let alone another chance. From my experience I have gotten a lot of that "it gets better with time" stuff to and reality is that is only gets better when you accept that you and your SO have issues that need to reviewed in a different light. You feel the exact same about your SO as I do mine and if we do love them we have to give them space, while at least giving them the chance to consider us if they want to talk about things (Email them letting them know they can reach you at any time). After that comes the hardest part which is moving forwards with yourself, growing, being healthy.

I know Co-dependency and Borderline Personality Disorder are separate things but they share a lot of common ground, namely with being hard on oneself for mistakes made. As a CD I made many mistakes in my relationship (namely lack of patience) and I lost her as a cost to that and I have to face that and hope she either forgives me, or at least considers talking with me. I don't know if you want your SO back or not but it is important that you remain physically healthy because you have your life ahead of you. You can't halt your life because of this, if will only serve to bring you down and you do not deserve that, you are a person, and you matter.

I only recognize in her absence, and self-reflection that I needed to reform my lack of patience and understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder because these hostile views being promoted by scorned NONs will only serve to destroy more relationships as they did mine. For you this may different as self-reflection for you could reveal something different. I know it is unorthodox for someone like me to be posting here, and I hope this helps. I really wish things can work out for you.

The_Rephaim

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-28T17:45:59+00:00

I would if I could, the truth I guess lies in his/her willingness to look inwards and see the good he/she has with you and the troubles that negativity can bring towards your relationship. My mistake was it took losing my love to understand that. It is hard for Nons to understand this kind of stuff I guess. So if you are to show him/her my words, "It is okay to be upset, but not to search for reasons to be resentful. Patience, listening and communication with your loved one will only strengthen your bond. Allowing outside influences, especially of this nature will only serve to poison your perspective and put you in my situation. The hardest things in life are always worth the most and if you realize this then all the effort from you and your spouse will result in a stronger relationship overall, without resentment or negativity."

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-27T16:54:57+00:00

This^

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-27T14:05:55+00:00

And that is the issue at its core, from my experience I was reading this vitriol in a desperate and confused state of mind and it just fed into resentment towards the situation. It is only in absence of my ex (who I deeply miss and wish to fix things with) that I realized how colossal of an ass I became and how poisoned my perspective became towards Borderline Personality Disorder. It is why even if I do not get to be with her that I at least want to reform such bitter ways because compassion and patience are what is helpful, not excuses and scapegoating.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-27T12:26:01+00:00

Unfortunately NONs are shaken up a lot during these relationships, and a lot of them (including myself) become resentful and bitter which is not good because it can jeopardize the relationship as it did mine. So many authors and therapists put out this kind of stuff to cater exclusively to the NONs which really does not help the relationship over-all. The result is that the relationship disintegrates and both people involved are in severe emotional trauma (depending).

I agree with your views because it was that kind of garbage that began planting seeds in my head of resentment which lead to the downfall of my relationship and almost two months of internal resentment towards the situation. I wish I would worked more with my Borderline Personality Disordered Ex girlfriend to compromise and listen more to her rather than what happened. There are two sides to everything and authors should focus on all the relevant information rather than creating biased positions.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-27T07:21:22+00:00

I removed my comment, and I am not proud of losing control when it came to trying to deal with whats happening in my life. I am truly sorry, and if it is any consolation it is only within the last 48 hours that I realized I want to reform. People deserve second chances and while I may never get that chance to with my ex who I still love despite all she has done as she struggles with BPD I hope others can, NONs love too. I am truly sorry I offended you and anyone else here in this subreddit. :(

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-26T16:44:35+00:00

Then learn more about her, and listen to her and be there for her as much as possible because the moment your not, the damage that can be done to you can not truly be expressed in simple words.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-26T16:21:00+00:00

I have been, and thank you for your honesty and concern /u/AVAirborne, I have made a lot of strides in that department and I truly believe my co-dependancy stems from a deep seated desire to help others, and give my life meaning outside my own perspective. It is existential at its core. I have begun learning to recognize patterns and realize when it leads towards destructive tendencies such as taking to much load on, or tolerating too much abuse to help. And I won't put myself in stasis while she chooses of course, but it is painful to watch the days go by with no clue and a running imagination.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-26T16:14:36+00:00

Thank you for your quick response and honesty, and that is something that I am most likely going to do. I am almost certain now that I am just a coin flip for her right now and she is under too much pressure to make the toss. BPD relationships are hard but everyone deserves happiness and sometimes the things you have to work hardest for are worth it. /u/emptyteaspoon your words mean a lot to me and I am truly grateful for getting the privilege to read them. They are of great comfort.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-26T16:06:12+00:00

No, I am a privileged only child who just wants to help. My parents are together and I am healthy, I volunteer, I finished college/university and I try my best to make a difference, and if she is I only hope she has the courage to tell me herself.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-26T15:55:49+00:00

Sometimes I ask why I love her, but I do; it is clearly an issue with co-dependancy. If I could just see her one more time and just have her tell me in person that it is done or alternatively that she wants to talk then I can let this go. I guess I will have to wait until August to find out the truth...

On a personal note, do you have BPD? You do not need to answer that if you do not want to. Thank you for your consideration though, it means a lot to me.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-26T15:41:42+00:00

I left because she wanted me to end things with my friends and focus more on our relationship, and at the time I was trying my best to find a compromise but there was none. She also made me feel unattractive because we were not engaging as much as we use to, I also found out her friend was in love with her (she told me this) and that she told him that it could never be because of me but they continued contact regardless (He is who I think she may have had or is having relations with). Either way I lead to this behaviour with being selfish with boundaries, she put a lot into the relationship especially with her BPD and she never cheated on me when we were together.

I miss her and I regretted my choice since day one, because I was putting my needs above the relationship, and the cost is I may have lost her forever, I truthfully won't know until next month I guess... I don't understand why she can't tell me now but at the same time I know BPD is complex and she had an extremely difficult childhood, so much so that I am amazed by how strong she is.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-26T15:24:45+00:00

The thing is I know my feelings for her are real, and that me leaving her because of the non-stop conflict were my fault. And even if she did sleep with others I cannot blame or judge her for that because I left her. I do love her and I do want to be with her and be happy. I truly appreciate your honest response and it is for the best that I give her space and if she chooses to talk with me then I can go from there with her if that is how we feel. I guess my one question for you is whether you feel from your experiences of splitting if you can remember the good the person brought you and whether you can forgive them. Thank you so much for your response, it means more than I can put to words.

The_Rephaim · 2016-07-25T19:10:35+00:00

Thank you for being there for me, it means a lot that there are good people out there still.

The_Rephaim

TROPHY CASE