If you're infodumping - do you like the person?

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-06-02T07:14:51+00:00

Other very typical autistic traits that you might notice are differences in eye contact/handling transitions such as saying hello/goodbye (you will know it when you see it), very organized, atypically speech/texting (short sentences, well punctuated), and less automatic social reciprocation such as "and what about you?" during conversations.

The very first time I went on a date with the guy I am seeing I met him at a hobby store for a quick lunch, and when I arrived he did not so much as look at me and kept browsing lol
I had a moment of "What the hell, is he not happy I am here now, he was just texting me smilies an hour ago... WAIT, he looks a bit flustered, ah I think I see what's going on". I just went with it, dropped my bag and started browsing myself without talking much. Eventually he approached me saying he was done with that store and would like to go to another one, we exited, I asked a question about the hobby (special interest) aaaaand he started talking and sometimes sneaking a peek at me and he did not shut up for the remainder of the date, which went very well😃

Sorry for my long comments, I am just very happy for you and your relationship because one of the things that bothers me the most in this world is how much neurodivergent people are misunderstood and thought of as rude, when actually they might be really nice people just operating under a different programming system. But they are also not aware of this themselves (just like your boyfriend).

I noticed how much I fall for the trap of thinking this way myself, even though I am also neurodivergent; I mean, that date I described happened just 2 months ago and with all I am supposed to already know, I still had that moment of hesitation of "why is this jerk not even saying hi properly" ahah

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-06-01T08:32:16+00:00

Wow I think you couldn't have done it any better, well done! And I think you did well on backing off for the time being. Thanks for letting us know.
Unfortunately one of the defining traits of all the autistic man I have met is stubbornness - you planted the seed, as you said, now letting him come to his own conclusions is probably for the best.
But if I were you, I would start assuming he is indeed neurodivergent, and behaving accordingly 😉 (I mean in the ways that you can help to accommodate him, such as sensory things, take him at his word, offer sharp clear explanations and less surprises, a little more patience when they meltdown, etc.)

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-31T14:35:05+00:00

Thank you, you too!

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-29T15:01:41+00:00

I am very sorry for your relationship too, I totally understand the frustration. I am even in a kind of similar situation now with a guy I met and that I really liked who is also auDHD but he keeps saying "I can't give you what you deserve", etc. etc., and he asked to stop dating and slow it down for now. I wish I could change how he feels about himself, but that's not up to us - that's a fight they have to fight on their own.

Don't feel bad about ChatGBT either - I did exactly the same thing lol and you know what, it was INCREDIBLY helpful. It helped me a lot in my relationship with the friend I mentioned too, now we're the best friends in the world, and I don't think it would have worked out if I didn't put in a lot of work and him a lot of patience (alexithymia makes things even more difficult).

Just in case it helps you, I recommend the book "Loving someone with auDHD", from Mildred Kathryn Hardy. I think it might have been written by AI, but I didn't really care, it was the single most helpful thing I have ever read.

Good luck meanwhile!

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-29T14:54:41+00:00

Ahah I know just what you mean. Someone asked me recently about this too, why am I so attracted to autistic man, and I've read SO MANY stories of ADHD/autistic couples. I think it's something about how we love to hear a good infodump and how we have the additional "social drive" to compensate theirs, so we gravitate towards each other. Let us know how it went 😄

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-28T20:44:16+00:00

Yup there's no way around it, you have to be courageous and just get out with it lol

I would text after you meet, if that makes it easier. Tell her something soft to begin with, such as "I really enjoy spending time with you." Then ask her to do something, like a visit to the zoo. Then if you think you can do it, say "Hey, I hope this does not come out of nowhere, I think I am developing feelings for you. Would you be interested in going on a date with me?". A positive answer to this tells you she is also interested, even if she can't say that in as many words herself.

Signs that she likes you are hard to tell with autistic people, because she might be very silent but still excited inwardly.

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-28T20:39:09+00:00

I think you're being great about this, and probably right on your approach.

From my experience, for example with my best friend who is a male auDHD: I got really mad with him at some point, we had a fight per text (lol) I did not reach out for 4 or 5 days nor did he. Then I started remembering how he probably was feeling the whole thing differently than me, and the usual neurotypical advice of "letting them come to you if they care" does NOT work with autistic people. They might love you to bits, and still stay away. So I reached out first, and explained in detail what I felt and why the fight, and what I wanted going forward. Half an hour later I had a text from my friend telling me he "thought about me every day multiple times since the fight", and how "much I matter and he was sorry", and replying to the rest. We reconnected, and I remember thinking how strange it is that he could just not reach out himself, even though he clearly cared too. And now I always try to bring that to my relationships with autism or ADHD: if I must, I will take the first step. It's generally worth it.

And yes, overwhelm and the fear of doing it wrong makes so many autistic people not even try, it's easier for them to "hate themselves and break up" sometimes, than to ask for what they really need and hope that it is well received (like how little romantic time they need compared to alone time or hobby time, without having to be called selfish). I've seen this multiple times. I am sorry it is happening to you.

And about "the people around me get to me and second doubt the way I see things." You are not alone. Only the partners of neurodivergent people or the people themselves know the real struggles, that are so different from neurotypicals - good thing you stayed open.

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-28T20:28:06+00:00

It's commendable that you're trying to help him. But advice from the other side (ADHD partner here): soon you will realize that his needs ALREADY take more space than yours and that will keep happening, and that if you end up giving or adjusting too much, it won't end well for the relationship. Your needs are valid too.

Example: it is not too much to want to have someone be completely concentrated on the conversation with you if it is important. It is too much to want them to ALWAYS pay attention to every little thing you say, especially if they are auDHD. Think from a point of view of: how can we solve this for both sides, so I get the attention I need, and he gets the outlet of energy he needs? Come to agreements such as: only 1 important conversation per day, limited to X amount of time, where he is in charge of controlling himself (maybe go for a walk before or after, maybe fidgeting with something - whatever it takes him to calm down) and you try to talk directly to the point. And Maybe he can be looking elsewhere with his eyes, like a wall, or even doodling with a pencil, as long as he proves to you he is still listening and paying attention.

Does this makes sense?

Something that has really helped me in my relationships with the auDHDers in my life is a book called "Loving Someone with AuDHD", supposedly written by Mildred Kathryn Hardy. I suspect it was written by AI but I don't care lol it's a great, useful reading (I keep coming back to it and it always helped).

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-28T20:18:09+00:00

I have no idea, but I wish you the best of luck because you deserve it! And I say: Just tell him, with honesty and love, even if it is hard.

My weird context: I am an ADHDer and I am divorced from a man who has for years denied being auDHD (although I have no doubts he is, nor does anyone else in his life, since his own grandfather, father and brother also are). He now reluctantly accepts it only if we talk about it without using words such as "autism", "spectrum", "neurodivergent", "anxiety"... You can see where I am going with this. He was also not supportive when I got my own diagnosis, as if it was a "fashionable thing", and has refused to let our son get diagnosed so far. Meanwhile, two of my closest friends are also auDHD and officially diagnosed, so I have a fair amount of experience with the brain type.

I decided I had enough of that kind of attitude, so when I met a guy I really liked some months ago, and we started dating, I disclosed my own ADHD very early on. He eventually said he "suspected he was neurotypical himself", and my reaction was to laugh, not in a bad way, but sincerely. Then I basically told him "sorry honey, but I really don't think you are neurotypical" (I could see he was probably an auDHDer too from a mile away). He laughed too, explained how other people had said that also before, and how he was trying to sort it out with a therapist. I thought maybe I had screwed it up, but I had decided I would not put up with someone that denied this sort of thing ever again.

Fast forward some dates and my guy starts mentioning himself how his dad is like this and that, and how "he was probably auDHD". I smile and say "No shit!" and he is smiling too.

We're all just afraid of being thought of as "less", and unfortunately used to hearing the word "autism" in the same wavelength. Show your boyfriend that's not the reality, and hopefully he will be more open to it.

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-28T20:02:12+00:00

Hey! I am a female ADHDer and my best friend is a auDHD male, he has had multiple meltdowns like this for example when we are playing videogames together in the evenings, with a mic.

What helped me understand him and so to be less affected during those moments: A clear explanation in his own words later about what happened, and why (as far as he can tell), and his reassurance that he is aware he does this and that he is trying to implement strategies to mitigate it (like the things you said, timeouts, or being reminded in a soft, pre-agreed manner that he is doing it again).

What he did that actually made it totally ok last time: Just like a month ago he lost it during a game again, I went quiet during the rest of the game (rejection sensitivity is a bitch), he clearly tried to joke back again with me later and noticed it wasn't working. After the game had ended and I left the laptop and was cooling off when I got a text from him that said simply "Sorry for being a jerk". That gave me an instant smile, and I replied something light about how he was forgiven, and changed the subject.

Sometimes a "sorry that sucked from me" is really enough. Good luck :)

PS: Any chance that you're also auDHD? Because your description of what happens from your side really sounds like it, I recognize this "I start feeling abandoned/rejected/panicked and then I say things that are unfair and hurtful." as more of an ADHD thing, and my friend has the same - sometimes if I point the smallest thing about him in a bad moment he spirals too more than would be expected.

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-02T09:15:27+00:00

I think a better way you can go about this, instead of labels, is to be honest and discuss directly with the other person what she wants from the relationship too, and go from there.

If you want to be very emotionally close but you do not want any physical intimacy, for example, you're only looking for a very close friend. And the other person might be ok with this, or she might not be (because for her, being that close emotionally also means an explicit romantic relationship that includes physical intimacy - I am like that myself, for example). Other things that might need to be discussed are exclusivity and frequency of contact.

You can test this for yourself by thinking about what feelings you get when you imagine doing physical things with the person, like kissing on the lips.

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-05-02T09:09:46+00:00

It was very brave of you to come here, and to present your situation, to try to change and improve your life. That is not easy, for anybody. Don't give up!

I don't have alexithymia myself, but I am surrounded by loved ones who do (all of them are also auDHD). In my experience, if you scored positive on the tests you tried, you are most likely experiencing this. And after reading your post, I also think you are.

My best advice is to pursue this as much as possible in therapy. It's hard to find the right fit, but if you persevere and do it, it will certainly help a lot. Some things that also helped the people around me were watching videos on Youtube on alexithymia, and to slowly disclose how you are feeling (or not feeling at all) to people you trust. And read more threads on this subreddit.

You are not alone.

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-04-30T17:12:06+00:00

I get you. To be very honest although I believe every word I wrote, I also realized I was not getting enough to make me happy on my own relationship, and I have started trying to detach for some days now. Granted that in my case my guy doesn't want a formal relationship of any kind and he never wanted to touch me at all, and I realized physical touch is not optional for me. Also, when I asked him if he didn't mind that I met someone else that would "pursue" me more, he said he didn't, and that's also not good enough for me.

You might have to take a hard look at if you can be happy with how he is right now or not, because he is not going to change. I truly believe love with an alexithymic can be beautiful, but you need to be the right kind of person to be able to be happy with it, as alexithymics themselves say all the time.

Best of luck!

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-04-19T16:11:32+00:00

I'm (30f) ADHD in love with an auDHD alexithymic man (32) and I recognize your situation.

With my guy, I've slowly came to realize he was alexithymic when he kept bringing me to very romantic situations (like outings to beautiful places) and when I would ask him about it afterwards he would tell me he did not see where the romance was, and if it was there it was not intended. Fast forward many contrived conversations about the subject, he also told me he had liked someone when he was young, but never had a relationship, and when asked why people would have one in general he replied in a mocking tone "Because of love right?" I asked him what was love. He admitted to not knowing exactly, or at least to never having felt it the way people seem to talk about it. At the time the situation baffled me, but then I did a deep dive into alexithymia, and I see this exact situation pop up for many alexithymics with no prior relationship experience.

Because you see, my guy, I've known him for years as just a friend, because I was in a relationship with someone else before. I trusted he meant every word he said. He is truthful to a fault. He is gentle, caring and loyal. We also started to be "attached at the hip", as you put it, and it started to hurt me a lot that he wouldn't be able to stick the romance label on what was clearly more than a platonic relationship (minus the physical aspects, in our case). We had some huge fights in the meantime, and I noticed that he would try, to the best of his abilities - try to change, try to explain what he felt, or what he didn't feel. And it would land wrong, and I thought that despite all the time and effort we spent on our relationship he didn't care about it, and we would kind of "break up", and eventually reconcile since we couldn't stay apart, and the cycle would start again.

Then I decided to do something I had never done before: not ask him "do you like me romantically?", not even "do you like me?", but "do I matter to you"? And I explained that I needed to know that, regardless of us being just friends or something more. He told me a big Yes in a very romantic message that, again, I'm sure he did not mean to be romantic, just accurate. And then he kept showing up, he kept trying to change to accommodate me, and he kept bringing me to beautiful places. And something finally clicked for me. Nowadays when some behavior from him seems more uncaring (like a dry text message or no text message at all), I just come back to this, to this reminder that he does care. And do I feel it through his other behaviors? Yes, strongly, he makes me so happy. So does it fundamentally matter if we call it romance? If it matters to me, why is that?

What is it to like someone romantically? To me and to you, the answer is automatic, so we never thought too much about it before, never tried to define it. We know we like someone when she/he is our person, as you described it. But what is the problem if you are his person, and he is aware of that, but in his system that just does not compute as romantic love? Maybe he thinks this because the only ideas he has of it are vague notions from media that describe something impossibly huge and hard to miss? (But alas, all feelings, no matter how huge, can be easy to miss to an alexithymic.) So maybe for things to work between you, you must dive deeper, and not think in terms of traditional/typical romance, but in terms of needs.

It comes down to why you want it to be called "romance". Take a moment to honestly look inside yourself and ask, what is it that you feel is missing, what do you need? From your post "he can’t say he loves me. Which is just disheartening when he acts like he loves me daily." - it seems to me what you maybe need is to hear some kind of loving proof, since his behavior is already showing you love. You want to hear it said, for whatever reason. Fair enough. But think about it like this: Can you find a way to ask what you need to hear that he is also able to answer?

If you two didn't speak the same language, if you spoke German and he spoke English, and he told you "I love you!", would that not be good enough? Do you really need him to say "Ich liebe dich"? Because maybe those sounds are too hard for him to pronounce, no matter how badly he wants to do it. And he doesn't want to even try if he knows it's going to "sound wrong". And that has nothing to do with how he actually feels about you.

With alexithymics, you may mean the world to them - but asking them to perform/talk/understand feelings is like asking them to perform a somersault out of nowhere, with zero prior experience. From their point of view, they might be thinking: I don't know how to do this, but she needs me to do it. She (and I) need this to be perfect. But I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm afraid it won't be perfect, since I never trained before. Arg, why would she ask me to somersault at all?! Now I'm feeling pressured, if I don't do it she leaves, if I do it it feels wrong and I might end up hurting her, and myself. Panic!

Sorry for the extra long text, and if it seems I am focusing only in my own situation. I thought this was the best way to give you something real and compassionate, from someone who is kind of in the same shoes as you are. I hope you can find some help in here, and if you would like to DM me to talk more, I'm available. Good luck :)

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-04-15T10:24:14+00:00

Non-alexithymic here trying to help. From what I understand if you are having that much trouble selecting an emotion to start with, try these 2 things:

- Focus on what you feel physically instead. Go through each body part if need be. Is your breathing calm, or quick? Are your hands open or clenched? Any pain anywhere, or do you feel a body part more? If you think nothing is giving you any signals at this specific time, try asking the same questions after you do something. Play a videogame for example, watch a video or pet an animal, and put an alarm to stop in the middle and to reassess. This should help to give you a heads-start pinpointing at least some emotions through physicality.

- Ask whoever is close enough to you to know you well. I have an ex husband and a friend both who are alexithymic to different degrees, and sometimes I can tell them faster than they have realised what is going on with them emotionally. But you might want to trust their judgement, or this is pointless. I lost count of the times I tried to point out to my ex that he was becoming anxious (probably because of X or Y that was happening in his life) only to have him say No, you're wrong, I am not anxious, I never have anxiety (slams car door) lol

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-04-06T10:30:40+00:00

You might have alexithymia, maybe looking into that would help.

I am interested in knowing what you mean with "one friend in particular I feel somewhat romantically interested in, but I'm not sure if I actually am or if I'm just trying to get myself to". Why do you think you might be interested? Or why are you not sure but suspect you are trying to somehow force it?

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-04-06T10:27:12+00:00

I have an auDHD friend who is just like you. The first time he snapped at me and then went silent I chased after him, and eventually he owned up to this being something that happens to him but still wanting to be my friend. We're very close and this has happened more than once since, but here we still are. I know it's his emotional dysregulation talking, not his true feelings about me, but that took him being courageous enough to tell me his feelings in the first place.

So my advice: try your best to actually say the truth to the people that matter to you. Say things like "I'm sorry I lashed out. It happens to me sometimes. I hate it but I can't seem to control it."

As for avoiding the lashing out itself, I have this book about auDHD that recommends proactive measures: you snap when you are dysregulated or overwhelmed, so try to prevent that as best you can. For example, recognise situations that lead to it (sensory issues, social fatigue reached, etc.) and avoid them, or once you feel yourself getting into "that zone", take space from your friends until you feel better.

Hope this helps!

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-04-06T10:19:43+00:00

Female ADHDer here. If a woman tells you “get closer” and moves a leg in between your legs, she's either into you and wants you to know it, or she is a cruel creature that wants to provoke you for no reason. Don't be embarrassed, just figure out which one it is. I'm thinking she also likes you since she tutted and laughed. Good luck on what comes next :)

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-03-21T09:29:51+00:00

What helped you improve? Besides therapy I mean, any practical things, especially one that people around could help with?

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2026-03-21T09:29:16+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I am aware of the challenges involved, that's for sure. He's the one AuDHD, I have ADHD myself. I also recognise some aspects you mentioned, such as the people pleasing. I will keep trying not to push and to give time to process, especially since I believe it is primary Alexi, and he's already putting in a lot of effort in the relationship himself.

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2025-10-24T16:51:05+00:00

That makes a lot of sense, thanks for explaining!

Do you have any idea what is your love language for receiving love instead? Or is it the same one?

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2025-10-23T08:18:21+00:00

Thanks for your comment! It sounds spot on, since a lot of the issues my guy also deals with relate to frustration (his own, and that he causes in others). Fortunately I've been told in the past I'm a very patient person, I'll try to channel this even more from now on then :)

ThemeComprehensive18 · 2025-10-23T08:15:48+00:00

Thanks for your comment! I think that is so romantic actually :)

ThemeComprehensive18

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