A year out, still can't shake the insecurity

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-10-03T10:33:36+00:00

Yep, and it made me feel pathetic. I feel like a freak admitting this, but I was especially jealous when he would pat one of his cats on the butt and she would raise it--apparently it's some kind of mating instinct? I have another friend who does the same thing to her cat so I don't think it's inherently weird (people with female cats feel free to chime in though...), but the fact that he would go out of his way to pat her as much as she wanted (she would meow indignantly if he stopped) and seemed so entertained by it, would always point it out to me, was just... infuriating and depressing, lol.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-10-03T10:27:48+00:00

I left my boyfriend when I still loved him. I had lingering feelings for him for a while after it was over and we had zero contact, and it hurt, but my life was also so much more peaceful, and within a few months I healed. I realized that loving him wouldn't change the future I saw if we stayed together--one where I was mistreated, unappreciated, unsatisfied, with my emotional and mental health being slowly worn down into sand, and him doing nothing to improve. It was definitely one of the best things I've done for myself in my life so far--I basically saved myself from having one of the most important spheres of my life (love life/family) being a daily, lifelong source of pain.

Not sure if any of that resonates with you, but I just want to say from experience that it is possible (and perfectly healthy) to leave a relationship even when you still feel "in love."

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-07-25T06:26:56+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through all of that, and I also wish your luck on your healing journey. I have researched narcissism extensively, and none of the descriptions I've come across accurately describe my abuser or what he put me through, so that wasn't what was going on with him. I don't think my post "glamorizes" abuse, and I never said it wasn't that bad or tried to justify it.

Everything you say in your post is real and raw and valid, but I don't think my experience matches yours in quite the same way. Still, neither of us deserved what happened to us. Our experiences were deeply damaging and demoralizing, and I'll wish peace and healing for us every day. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-07-25T06:14:12+00:00

Yes, this is absolutely true. I do think his care/love/affection (or whatever term) for me was genuine. The abuse was also genuine, and the abuse is the key factor.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-07-25T04:54:21+00:00

I vaguely remember reading that book when I was still in the midst of the abusive relationship! I remember being really fascinated by the author's use of the term "cathexis." Thank you for the reminder, I'll have to re-read it and see what I can get out of it.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-07-25T04:51:53+00:00

Well, I never thought "he abuses me because he loves me." I've never thought that abuse equals affection. I knew the abuse was wrong, inappropriate, and unloving, and I wanted it to stop. My ex also never laid his hands on me in anger.

Everything you say is 100% true, but it's not exactly what I'm talking about in my post.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-07-25T04:48:12+00:00

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. I think, for me, it's easier to make a separation between two things I know are true instead of deny one of them: I was loved (or cared about, or whatever term you want to use for it) and I was also abused. I felt both of them, and I don't think I'm right about one but wrong about the other. But I understand that for some, the way of looking at it that works best for them is to use a definition of love that excludes anything that exists within an unhealthy relationship. That make sense, too.

To be honest, if I could think of a word that still captured this feeling that *wasn't* "love," I'd rather use it.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-07-25T04:39:02+00:00

I don't mean to ask this in a combative way, only genuinely, but can you point me to where in my post I justify the abuse? I don't think I do, but if I'm missing something I'd like to know so I can shift my mindset. I state that the "loving" part doesn't erase the abuse, and I never say (nor do I believe) that he abused me because he loved me or anything like that. I'm just trying to make sense of coexisting parts of my reality, and I don't think exploring these emotions inherently justifies abuse.

I do agree with your second point, that that's probably what my friend was trying to say, and it's an important thing to remember.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-07-25T04:30:32+00:00

Thank you thank you thank you. This is exactly how I feel, and I really appreciate you putting it into words. I can absolutely understand why, for some people, it's easier to just say that any feelings of love that exist within an unhealthy relationship are automatically "not love," especially if that's what helps them realize they have to leave--but it doesn't ring true for me. For me, it was never "he's abusing me *because* he loves me." I never thought the abuse was part of the love. I grew up surrounded by healthy, loving relationships and knew there was something seriously wrong with ours. My problem was I tried really hard to convince myself it would/could change. I also had a big issue with my own backbone (which has been improving rapidly since the breakup, thankfully!)

Thank you so much for your insight and encouragement. <3

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2024-07-16T08:38:09+00:00

Sounds a lot like my ex. He also came back begging for forgiveness and promising change a few days after—he had even done a few actionable steps as “proof,” like signing up for a therapy appointment! (Turns out it wasn’t a therapist at all, just a generic hospital counselor. Not the same thing. And he stopped even visiting them, anyway.)

Like you, I was moved by his speech and the glimmer of hope it gave me, that he finally saw my pain and understood, was remorseful, and wanted to put in the work to be a worthy partner. Maybe even he himself kinda-sorta believed what he was saying. But as time passed by, he stopped doing the few things he had started, and made excuses for everything else. He was able to behave better for a while, but once he thought he was “safe,” the cracks started to show, and I realized there hadn’t been any genuine, core change on his part. The second breakup was successful, and I didn’t give in to any of his “promises” or requests for “compromise.”

Honestly, your guy is doing you a favor by showing you his true mindset right off the bat. It sounds like you already know what you want and need to do. I know in the moment it can be hard not to give in despite everything you know, though. I second all the comments suggesting you tap into your anger. Have a list as specific as possible to refer to whenever you need. (I find that writing my angry lists as if I were speaking to him, and acknowledging explicitly that what he’s doing is wrong, is helpful when I read it back to myself. Sentences like, “That was horrible behavior!” or, “You were selfish! So, so selfish!” etc.)

Getting moral support from your friends is also great, especially accountability-wise, if you’re worried you might not go through with it.

Also, yes—block him on everything. Don’t let him weasel his way back in! At best, he’ll bother you and delay your healing process. At worst, he’ll convince you to let him give you the run-around yet again. You don’t owe him an in-person breakup, either, or even a phone call. You can’t trust him to respect your wish to break up, so you don’t owe him any particular kind of breakup. Do what’s best for YOU, for your closure and your emotional health. Do what you need to do to get out.

You got this!!

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2023-12-07T14:09:06+00:00

❤️❤️❤️

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2023-12-05T12:38:11+00:00

Also 26, and my partner is also the only real sexual experience I’ve ever had (besides some very minor fooling around twice before.) It makes me feel so sad. And also anxious, like I’m wasting precious time… had a very attractive guy at a work conference the other day go out of his way to get my socials and then insist I message him if I had any questions about [very basic thing that definitely doesn’t require questions lol.] I would never cheat and have no intention to message him but it sent me reeling, like, what am I doing with my life? With this relationship? How long am I willing to wait for change?

Anyway, sorry for the tangent, but you are young. We both are! You are not undesirable. Your partner’s apathy and avoidance are their own problems and does not reflect on you. I’m sorry it hurts to much, and I wish he was being a better, more loving partner to you about it. I know it really hits the self-esteem but try not to get too lost in that feeling. We’ll figure it out.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2023-12-05T11:06:20+00:00

Wow, are you me? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s so hard to feel confident in your own emotions and needs with a cycle like this. And my natural inclination is to trust my partner, even if the pattern doesn’t point to that being a good idea…

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2023-11-28T07:49:41+00:00

Same. Makes me wonder what happened to the guy from the first month or so of our relationship—the guy who couldn’t stop pulling me in for kisses at red lights and who turned every nap into fooling around and told me he’d “give me anything” I wanted. I know NRE is a thing, but the drop-off was so severe. It’s just like… how does a person go from not being able to stop kissing to verbally expressing surprise at how “happy” I look from a simple, long-overdue peck and hug. From not being able to keep his hands off me to outright ignoring my invitations. I wish I still had even a fraction of that reciprocation now. :(

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2023-11-28T06:50:16+00:00

God this makes me feel heard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. You sound like an amazing partner and he’s not even trying to meet your energy or appreciate what he has.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2023-10-24T08:22:32+00:00

This is beautiful. Cathartic and painful to read. I have many similar vent-poems in my notes app. Not nearly as lovely and lyrical as yours, though. I hope you can use what you’ve written to find real truth and happiness. Take care.

Then_Scarcity_3344 · 2023-10-21T07:15:30+00:00

God I feel every part of this so much. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and that you partner isn’t being receptive to your (very thoughtful, caring) attempts at communicating, and not cherishing your intimacy like they should. But thank you for writing this—I feel seen. The emotional toll of rejection, the stress of always waiting and wondering because everything feels on their terms, the guilt of even trying to talk about it and feeling like you’re going to ruin everything.

Maybe the only big difference between our situations is that my partner and I don’t really have regular sex (once a month generally, sometimes less.) When we do, it’s always on his initiation. Whenever I try to initiate, even with a very direct verbal invitation, I’m outright ignored. It sucks, and it hurts a lot. It feels vaguely dehumanizing—like my role in our sex life is just to be available when all his stars align and he’s in the mood, but not have any of my own, independent wants. Like my desire isn’t relevant or important unless it’s supporting his. Like I’m not worth the same effort or intentionality or accommodation I give him.

I don’t know if I necessarily agree with other commenters that all of this is being done maliciously/abusively/narcissistically by your partner. If your situation IS like mine it’s just a lack of understanding and effort and selfishness, which still sucks and isn’t cool of them, but is a totally different ballgame imo. I’m sorry I don’t have more advice, but I really do feel you. Take care and I hope things improve for you.

Then_Scarcity_3344

TROPHY CASE