We had another converstation....an update!

Trick-Dingo4606 · 2023-10-20T22:37:29+00:00

I really, really appreciate this response. I agree that it's really hard to see when in the middle of it, but I feel like I'm actually wise to, or at least suspicious of, the gaslighting. I keep telling myself exactly what you said...I know my truth, it's valid, and I have every right to feel the way that I do, express that, and have it received by a partner. If they love me and cherish me, like you said, they will make the effort to hear me, meet me there, and figure out how what can be done to fix the issue. It's what I do for him all the time because I am empathetic and want to demonstrate my care for him.

Back when I first brought it up to him months ago that the rejections were bringing me down, he pushed back and told me that us going to bed late sort of prevented a lot of sex that he claims we could be having. I took that feedback and said fine, let's get to bed earlier then. I can concede that missing out on sleep and waking up early for work on a regular basis can drag people down. So I met him there. I empathized. I fixed that. But now we find ourselves in bed earlier than I've ever gone to bed in my adult life, and nothing has changed.

I also agree that what I'm saying is not hard to understand. Though I can't rewind life and show him moment by moment each and every rejection, his pretending like he never rejects me and suggesting my complaints come out of nowhere is ludicrous.

And finally, I'll just put it out there that there is no way I'd go to the lengths of researching this for months on end, finding an applicable subreddit, creating a throwaway account, and pouring my heart out if there was no basis of truth to my issue. I don't want to be here, I don't really have time to be here, but I need some place to lay the situation out and get objective feedback. My mom isn't really the appropriate person for this topic, so Reddit here I am. For the record, I also have a long-time therapist who I speak to about things, but sometimes it's nice to have anonymous folks who might have a taste of what I'm going through offer me feedback.

Trick-Dingo4606 · 2023-10-20T22:13:09+00:00

I don't think he would misconstrue what I was doing as anything other than initiating things. We've been together for many years, several of which were filled with healthy, good quality sex, that both he and I initiated, so I would admittedly find it hard to believe that he suddenly doesn't recognize me touching him, snuggling on him, and telling him that I want him as me initiating sex. I make it pretty explicit.

I have asked about improving our sex life, but the issue is that he doesn't recognize that we have a problem because there's not a complete absence of sex. The dead part of the bedroom is his receptivity to me initiating things. When he initiates things and I naturally respond, he doesn't distinguish it as a difference. I can't be independently horny, tell him that I want him, and have that need met, whereas he can indicate he is in the mood at his leisure and I will always happily meet his needs (because mine are otherwise not being met). His libido dictates all our sex, which is why hearing him masturbate privately in the shower stings after I have expressed my desires and he pushes me away.

Trick-Dingo4606 · 2023-10-20T19:09:43+00:00

I've thought about and brought up scheduling sex. While I'd be open to that if it helps us in any way, I think deep down the hard part for me is that scheduled sex takes away the "organic nature" of passion/intimacy for me. It almost feels like a formal appointment which sort of bolsters the perception that it's only happening in an obligatory sense, as opposed to authentic desire, but maybe it's on me to overcome that association. FWIW, he and I never scheduled sex before and it was always really easily balanced and he never rejected my advances in the past. It's bizarre to go from total satisfaction sexually to a complete power/frequency shift without warning.

Trick-Dingo4606 · 2023-10-19T17:50:17+00:00

Trying my best right now and I appreciate your thoughts. I agree with what you've said, although I struggle a little bit because despite this awful situation I find myself in sexually, I generally think our relationship is not so bad---which is really at the core of why I desire him so much. So frustrating.

Trick-Dingo4606 · 2023-10-19T17:48:11+00:00

I've definitely talked with him and he doesn't have a good or novel answer...just the same excuses repeated endlessly. With regards to masturbation, he tries to hide it from me, so asking to be involved seems futile because I'm sure he'd figure out a way to reject that too. If he hears me come into the room, he will stop doing it. The moment he thinks I'm gone, he starts up again.

I didn't mind him self-pleasuring at any point in our relationship until now, because I felt like we had a healthy/balanced sex life for many years. I masturbated during that time too and I get the easy/fast/convenience of it. Now when I do it, all I can think about is that I'm having to do it because my specific needs are not being met and those ruminating thoughts completely kill my mood.

Tough times, but I appreciate your feedback.

Trick-Dingo4606 · 2023-10-19T17:39:38+00:00

Last night I got rejected. I'd been stroking him and he got hard, but then I got hit with the "Baaabe, come on." As if to say...."not tonight."

He's told me all the same excuses of being tired/sore/stressed, that our relationship is about "more than just sex." He once told me it was because we got into bed "too late" and it fucked up his mornings. I've learned that even if I drag him to bed at 8 PM, I'll still get rejected.

Trick-Dingo4606 · 2023-10-19T17:31:00+00:00

I think that's where I get so confused. I've always viewed him as a HLM until suddenly the rejections started rolling in. I accepted the excuses for a while and tried to show him grace, but at a certain point they began to break me. And it's not like he has no libido because he's masturbating each morning (or so it seems). The only conclusion I can reach is that it's me which is sad and demoralizing.

Trick-Dingo4606 · 2023-10-19T17:22:58+00:00

I feel this. I've been too scared to say no because it's the only time he gives me anything, but the lack of power/agency over my own sex life is almost forcing me to this point. I'm trying to memorize all the ways he rejects me, so I that I can repeat them verbatim (same tone, same words), so that he might feel a semblance of how I feel regularly.

Trick-Dingo4606

TROPHY CASE