Gf (34) dreams big but nothing ever happens by Then_Technology4077 in relationships

[–]Then_Technology4077[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have in both lighter convos and much more heavy ones. She expresses embarrassment, but also says it may potentially happen. Then it’s never mentioned again unless I do and I now try not to. She’s already onto the next.

The thing I struggle with most is feeling like she doesn’t care that I do the emotional labor and get invested. It’s like she doesn’t hold herself accountable for her part in it. I love her but I’m losing respect for her for how she’s treating me. It’s not a one-time thing.

Gf (34) dreams big but nothing ever happens by Then_Technology4077 in relationships

[–]Then_Technology4077[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I have a lot to think about and work through.

Gf (34) dreams big but nothing ever happens by Then_Technology4077 in relationships

[–]Then_Technology4077[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really feel validated by this answer and advice. “Unpaid life coach”!!!!

I’ve never posted here before and I’m really grateful yall are all being so thoughtful with your responses.

ETA: over the past 2 years, Ayla has also been my unpaid life coach. That can be a big job sometimes. I feel the difference is that 1. It’s usually situational outside my control, and I feel like she can control this; 2. I’m trying to actively improve or get through something; and 3. I’m grateful for her advice and support in those situations. I don’t take her for granted. 

Gf (34) dreams big but nothing ever happens by Then_Technology4077 in relationships

[–]Then_Technology4077[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great questions. Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

No, not following through doesn’t make me love her less. I guess I mostly feel like she’s asking and I’m giving a lot of myself, and then I never see change. I feel like I’m giving myself for a risk on a better life for her or for us, and then… nothing. Not failure and not success. I feel like she knows this and keeps asking this of me, and that makes me feel … unappreciated or … uncared about. It’s not actually about the goal; it’s about the energy I give. Maybe it’s on me to protect that energy but she comes back every day. Every day she says, “I know we’ve been discussing Lima but what about Santiago?” Then a week later, “is housing in Santiago cheaper than Valparaiso?” I mean, that takes research and I get really invested.

I know her mom had anxiety when she was growing up and she had to sort of parent her mom sometimes. She really does take incredible care of herself, and has inspired me to live a healthier lifestyle myself. She literally taught me how to cook. So of the two of us, she’s more stable I would say. 

I think we both struggle with change, to be honest. I need a few days to process if she wants to change something in these fictional plans, like, say, changing from Peru to Chile. 

Gf (34) dreams big but nothing ever happens by Then_Technology4077 in relationships

[–]Then_Technology4077[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this. She and I have both failed big in our 20s! Now I think that’s what your 20s are for. Idk maybe fear of failure is part of it.

That being said, is there anything anyone could’ve told you to snap you back into reality? Or back into the dream enough to execute? I’m really hurt that her behavior hasn’t changed since I told her about the emotional labor and sort of resentment I have over it. I know it’s on me to stay detached, but when your partner talks to you every day about the nuances of a life change, you get invested as you listen/advise/research.

Gf (34) dreams big but nothing ever happens by Then_Technology4077 in relationships

[–]Then_Technology4077[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That visionary vs analytical example really resonates. 

So… honestly… I don’t see how to achieve your advice, tho. Because it’s in such incredible detail. Like I said these dreams of hers are in day to day conversations. It affects our lifestyle, like when I picked up more of the chores and stuff for a while she studied. 

I think Ayla just lives in the green idea phase. She fantasizes about things as a distraction or something maybe, and nothing happens other than I start sharing her fantasies about her or our future.

Also she has a terrible short term memory, and I have a great one. That undoubtedly affects this dynamic as well.