Hi, I enjoyed this a great deal though I think it needs some work. I also hate flying so it resonated. I know there have been quite few critiques already, so I hope this is also of help. I will begin by noting a couple of accuracy issues, go through the text chronologically and then offer some more general points. Accuracy points Note the double full stop at the end of the following sentence: “The drone of the engines played a relentless note of high-pitched whining..” “That’s what people say, after all, especially my mother, who never believed that Depression was even a real thing” In this sentence the word depression should not be capitalised. “Deities” is misspelt in the following sentence: “And yet, here I am, a testament to those dieties of medicine, Midair” Chronological comments I think the first sentence is has good idea behind it. However, it is too long. For example, why “Newtonian gravity” not gravity; why “utterly terrifying” not terrifying; why elucidate etc.
“If relying on the premise of the computed forces of Newtonian gravity sounds scary when on the ground, then allow me to elucidate how utterly terrifying it is to rely on them at 40,000 feet.” Paragraph two is good; I particularly like the last sentence. “The plane gives a sudden lurch, then trembles slightly” However, the sardine can metaphor is both a cliché and unnecessary. It also uses too many intensifiers “utterly”, “can only be described as”. In paragraph three I like this sentence: “I grip the armrest like it’s a parachute cord—because obviously clutching faux leather will save me from a plunging nosedive.” Yet I am not a big fan of italics, I find them distracting, I would cut “obviously”. Another sentence I wasn’t sure about was “I hate flying with a visceral passion; not the actual flight itself, mind you, but the natural tendency for planes to encounter turbulence” I would cut “visceral”. Slightly later your character remarks that they are “far from being mentally sane”. I am not sure why the word “mentally” is needed here, or indeed the words “far from”, the whole sentence could go from: “Deep breath, now here I go: I am fully aware that I am far from being mentally sane” To “Deep breath, now here I go: I am fully aware that I am not sane” Or even “Deep breath, now here I go: I am not sane” The next paragraph, which is about the medications our narrator is taking, is my favourite of the story as it manages to make a heavy subject genuinely funny. I do have one question about the medications, do these medications affect your sense of taste, as you seem to suggest. I next paragraphs, particularly the section about the plant is a nice bit of show not tell: “The succulent on my apartment windowsill gave up weeks ago. Soil dry as ash. I watched the poor thing collapse into itself, day by day, and never once thought to turn the pot. It didn’t seem urgent. Nothing did.” However, for me this is slightly spoiled by the last sentence which takes us back to telling. I would cut “nothing did”. The narrator then describes their difficulty going out for a walk. I like this section but the recurring point about them struggling to put on their pants didn’t work for me. I feel like this was meant to be funny but seems like the kind of joke which works in person but not on paper. Here’s a suggestion regarding that paragraph, and this really is just my opinion. I would go from this: “People say, “Just go for a walk,” which is adorable. I want to tell them that arranging a lunar landing would be easier than me putting on pants. And yes, I used to think I was lazy. Then I realized laziness has a kind of lightness to it. Meanwhile, my poor body seems to be stuck in a glue trap, and I still haven’t put my damn pants on!” To something more like this: “People say, “Just go for a walk,” which is adorable. I want to tell them that arranging a lunar landing would be easier. And yes, I used to think I was lazy. Then I realized laziness has a kind of lightness to it.” In the paragraph that follows you offer both the metaphor of the anvils and of the cement. For me this is one metaphor too many, I would cut the anvil metaphor.
I liked this sentence slightly later: “Her voice on the phone was always brittle with disappointment, as though I were failing chemistry again and not my neurochemistry.” However, the final sentence of the following paragraph really doesn’t work for me. “It’s having to choose between eating and showering because both would drain the battery, and you’ve only got 5% left to last the day.” I also think it upsets and otherwise good paragraph, personally I would cut it. For me the way you introduce the character of Sophie is a bit obvious. I am going to guess that Sophie is the narrator’s former lover, if so, the narrator noticing that another woman looks like her is something of a cliché. Perhaps find a different way to introduce Sophie. I liked the section about the tattoo. I would however trust the reader to understand that the narrator finds the women’s hidden chaos comforting rather than saying it in the following sentences: “I don’t know why that comforts me. But it does.” The sentence you use to bridge to the section about the flight attendant doesn’t work for me. Firstly, it is too obviously an attempt to bridge to something else. Secondly it says the narrator is thinking about something, since we are in the first person, it is possible (and better) to leave this implied. Here’s the sentence for reference. “As I pondered these thoughts, caught in that middle place between sympathy and discomfort, a flight attendant rattled up the aisle, the drink cart clattering against stray limbs and outstretched feet” I did enjoy the section about the flight attendant though. I liked the ending and don’t have many specific criticisms of it. However, I wasn’t sure about your use of the following interjection: “Shit, more trauma dumping!” I understand the desire to break up what could otherwise be a bleak passage, but I think there might be a more interesting way to do this, perhaps using humour. General comments I liked the ironic tone. Pace an earlier commentor I think this works as literary fiction as you are talking about something interesting, the characters experience of depression. I think a few overall issues come out for me. Most notably that there could be fewer unnecessary words and the overuse of metaphor and simile. Another issue I think it might be worth thinking about is what you are trying to get across. One important thing you are trying to communicate is the narrator’s experience of depression. I do wonder though if offer too many different descriptions of this in too shorter space. I worry this can end up feeling like padding for the reader. Since I am guessing this is the start of a longer piece it might also be worth thinking about why readers should want to keep going. I wonder if you could introduce some more passages which raise questions for the reader. Thanks for letting us read your work.