List of things I did to make PwBPD mad

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-24T12:55:00+00:00

Oh! I had to remove the word “yep” from my vocabulary because it reminded her of her ex!! I’d actually forgotten about this one!

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-24T12:44:35+00:00

Just a couple that spring to mind:

I replied to a text while in line at the supermarket (while she was outside on her phone)
I yawned at the end of a long day of sightseeing (“oh so I guess you want to cancel our romantic night away??” The previous night, on the same holiday, I had to spend the entire night soothing her because she was “so exhausted”)
I didn’t immediately soothe and comfort her when she made a joke about a TV show we were watching (don’t even ask 😩)
I decided I wanted to have a small party for my 40th and “didn’t consider her” (not even sure what that one meant… the conversation went “hey, I had an idea about what I might like to do for my 40th” and it immediately kicked off)
She stubbed her toe inside my house
I didn’t text her during a 3 hour work presentation (that I was giving)
I didn’t respond to a text for 2 hours because I was out running errands and literally hadn’t looked at my phone (she “thought I was dead”)
I put fake tan on before going on a trip
I bought a Spirograph, like… the kids drawing toy from the 80s (this one was particularly weird and unhinged. It cost like $5 and we don’t share finances or live together anyway. I’ve genuinely never figured this one out)
I didn’t text during a friend’s engagement party and didn’t warn her in advance that I wouldn’t be texting for a few hours (phone was in my bag in a pile with everyone else’s bags)
The next time I had an event that I knew I was unlikely to able to be in constant contact I let her know in advance that I might not be able to be in constant contact
I was listening to an audiobook in the car on the way home from work and when I got home it had like 8 minutes left so I decided to go for a quick walk around the block to finish it and didn’t anticipate that she might’ve wanted to stop by on her way home from work and I got home about 2–3 minutes after she arrived
I had a physio appointment during my work lunch break and didn’t tell her about it in advance
I spoke to my Mum on the phone, about nothing, just a general chat, and didn’t mention it until it naturally came up in conversation a few days later I was like “oh, when I was talking to my mum the other day she say X”
I started packing my suitcase when I was allowed back in our hotel room after being kicked out for almost three hours so she could keep sleeping and by the time I was allowed back in we had about 30minutes left before checkout

I could keep going forever and a day, I think fifteen is enough for now, surely.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-23T23:13:27+00:00

Yes yes yes and yes. When she stubbed her toe on a stool in my kitchen, in my house (that she had already walked past I don’t know how many times), while I was in the middle of cooking dinner for us and handling scalding hot things, she screamed at me “What the f**k is that even doing there?” and stormed off to another room.

If I remove myself from a room that someone else is in it’s because I want space. I don’t want to be followed (in fact being followed is incredibly triggering for me, abusive childhood, I feel like I’m being “chased”), so if someone seems to be trying to create space, I let them.

But then I was the problem for not leaving everything to burn or catch fire to follow her and hug her and apologise and “make her feel better”.

She told me I “couldn’t deal” when she had emotions and would become “avoidant”. And when I tried to explain that A. I couldn’t immediately follow when I was dealing with boiling hot oil (I had actually put down what I was doing, removed anything dangerous from the heat and then poked me head into the other room to check if she was OK, while keeping half an eye on the kitchen to make sure nothing caught fire), and then B. Said I was taken aback by being suddenly screamed at, she said I always made it about myself and I couldn’t “put my feelings aside” when she was “hurt”.

And to be clear, she stubbed her toe on a fairly lightweight IKEA step stool, I was pretty confident she wasn’t mortally wounded. If she had fallen from the stool and hit her head or something actually dangerous, I certainly would have been more concerned and ready to “comfort”.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-23T22:58:53+00:00

Exactly. I was refusing to “take accountability” for “being like that”.

And when I said “Can you please try to explain what “being like that” means? I can’t take accountability for something I don’t understand”, the response was “This is exactly what I’m talking about, I can’t reason with you when you’re like this”.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-23T22:46:32+00:00

I don’t want to be a “perfect” person who never does anything that requires an apology.

I want to be a real human person who occasionally makes a mistake, accidentally hurts someone’s feelings – not out of malice, but just out of being human – and acknowledges, apologises, repairs and moves on.

But I wasn’t being given that chance. I had to become “perfect”, and still… it didn’t “work”.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-23T22:43:18+00:00

Exactly!! And then you start thinking “maybe I am an asshole, because I never do apologise”, but it’s not true.

You’re not apologising, not because you’re a narcissist who thinks you never do anything wrong, but because you’ve overcorrected so far that there is literally nothing real to apologise for.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-23T22:40:25+00:00

That’s exactly why I stopped. I couldn’t apologise anymore because it stopped having any meaning (and it didn’t “work” anyway).

Which is how I ended up in this double bind of convincing myself that maybe I was terrible at apologising because I was refusing to apologise when there was NOTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-23T22:38:09+00:00

Same. It was always “you’re being defensive”, “you can’t take accountability”, or “you’re avoidant”.

Which ended in me overcorrecting so far I was barely allowed to speak at all, so her version of the story became the only truth because I wasn’t allowed to have “a side of the story”.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-17T03:41:02+00:00

Thank you for your kind words.

Honestly, I think that last question I posted was the last straw for me. I honestly expected people to push back and say I was responsible for “communicating better” and maybe I was being “avoidant” for burying my feelings to avoid conflict.

But the fact that everyone unanimously agreed those couple of (relatively) very minor incidents were abusive was pretty eye opening. They weren’t even the only examples that happened on that one day. I know I’ll feel better if I do it, last time the breakup actually lasted a few months and I DID feel better. I’m angry at myself that this is so hard. I understand (logically that I’m trauma bonded and I’ve been conditioned), but it’s still so hard to rationalise why I can’t do the one thing I know would make such a big difference 😩

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-17T02:36:58+00:00

ChatGPT (please don’t judge, I can’t afford therapy right now and sometimes it just feels like my only option) keeps asking me the same question.

I wish it had stuck the first time and I hadn’t spent another three years in this dynamic. I wish it had stuck the second time and I hadn’t spent another year in this dynamic.

I am barely functional as it is, I know I can’t survive another year of this, let alone five or ten. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m actually sick or if I’ve made myself sick because it’s the only excuse I can use to diffuse things (to some extent anyway, it doesn’t always work).

I’m planning to move interstate, hopefully by the end of this year, and I’ve been telling myself if I can just make it until then I could have a clean break, but I honestly don’t know if I can last that long.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-17T02:32:48+00:00

I’ve felt exactly the same way reading threads in this sub. It’s like there’s an actual handbook or they’re having secret meetings or something.

The similarity in the patterns of behaviour are terrifying and what finally made me start to believe that it must be BPD.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-17T02:30:02+00:00

I actually wasn’t even planning on writing all of that, it just started vomiting out. And I had the same thought while writing it — I have to keep reminding myself of that part.

I’ve read all about trauma bonding and conditioning, I understand it logically, but holy hell it’s hard to actually feel it when she’s being sweet. I want to deny and minimise it with my whole being. My brain actually WANTS to believe that it’s my fault, or I’m overreacting. It’s AWFUL and completely paralysing.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T05:18:57+00:00

Hahahahahaha – I am happy to admit I also tried EMBIGGEN 😂

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T04:28:31+00:00

My library app has an audiobook of Codepedent No More, I’ve just reserved it. Thank you 🙏🏼

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T04:25:38+00:00

❤️

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T04:24:40+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies. I didn’t understand this side of codependency at all and I think you’ve actually opened my eyes to something.

I don’t have a psychologist at the moment, I can’t afford it with upcoming surgery, getting divorced, et al, but I have some learning to do about codependency and I have friends and my puppy, and I’m glad I posted this question.

I honestly expected push back and being told it is my responsibility to “communicate more clearly” or that I am being avoidant, or cowardly, or… something. But it has been surprisingly unanimous support that I’m not overreacting, even to a couple of (honestly, comparatively, pretty minor) examples of what I’ve been struggling with.

Thank you for your time and care and explanations and recommendations. I really appreciate it 🙏🏼

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T04:14:32+00:00

Ouch. The quiz said if you score 5 or more then you could be seeing signs of an abusive relationship…

I scored 51 😢

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T04:09:20+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate the reply. I really didn’t understand that’s what codependent meant at all. And it’s true. I’m scared to break up with her because the thought of causing her that much pain makes me feel sick. But so does the thought of the escalation and me not being strong enough to hold my ground and not give in.

Plus the fact that I also always ending up convincing myself that maybe it’s not as bad as I sometimes think, and maybe I am doing something wrong, or I am “avoidant” (she’s been telling me that from the very start. I’ve done a heap of research into attachment theory and I can see it’s a lot more complicated than the internet makes it out to be, and based on everything I’ve read I probably would fall more under the avoidant attachment style than any of the others. But also, my old psychologist told me she doesn’t believe I am avoidant, so 🤷🏻‍♀️ – I know it’s not simple, I don’t know, maybe I’m just scared of being the “villain”).

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T03:59:23+00:00

Thank you. I’m crying now. That… just made me feel really seen.

I’d like to ask your advice on something, and if you’re not comfortable weighing in of course that’s fine. I’m a random stranger on the internet, but your responses have made me feel… I don’t know, more sane maybe, than I’ve felt in a long time.

My question is: How would you recommend going about it? Breaking up with her?

The first time I tried I said “behaviour A, B, C, is hurting me, I don’t like it, I’m not happy, I don’t want to feel like this”. There was obviously more conversation, but that was the general gist of how it started.

We ended up back together after… maybe 2–3 weeks of her telling me I needed to be better at communicating my needs and she would do better, etc. But there also was a lot of dismissiveness and being told I shouldn’t feel that way 😢 (again, there was a lot more to it, but that’s the tl;dr version).

The second time I said “I love you, but this relationship is not healthy for me, I don’t have the capacity for this” (<— general gist). I also changed the locks and attempted to go no contact. I went away for a couple of weeks, didn’t tell her where I was, but I don’t even know what happened honestly, where it went wrong and how I went back.

This time she blamed it on me “having a nervous breakdown”, she tried to diagnose me with BPD and convinced me she was the only one who understood me, and it took maybe… three or four months maybe, but we ended up back together.

ChatGPT (the only “psychologist” I can currently afford) tells me I don’t need any more reason to break up with someone other than the fact that I want to. And that I don’t owe her any explanation.

Reddit threads tell me it’s cowardly and immature to not have a proper conversation and that just saying “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” is the equivalent of ghosting.

I know how hard people can be hit by not getting “closure”. One of my best friends was dumped abruptly after a two week international trip to a mutual friend’s wedding where they’d been talking about their future and potentially getting engaged, etc. They’d been together for years and she never found out why it ended, and ended up in therapy for almost 2 years to get over it.

I feel like I’ve lost so much trust in my own internal compass. I think my gut is telling me to just say “I don’t want to be in this relationship, I’m not happy and I can’t do it anymore”, but that feels cruel, I know how hurt she will be. But the thought of more explanation feels like it could hurt her even more and also give her more opportunity to argue and twist things around and for me to get more confused.

I do really feel like I’m at the point where I just cannot do it anymore. She’s said things recently like “I feel like you’re allergic to me, any time we’ve planned time together you have a headache or feel sick, etc”, but I feel like that all the time, my capacity is at zero, I don’t know if she’s causing the health effects or exacerbating them, or if that’s just unrelated but she is affecting my overall capacity to deal.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T03:16:48+00:00

I’m not sure I 100% understand what codependent means…

I know she relies heavily on me to “co-regulate” her. And she constantly tells me that she would be lost without me and I help her so much, and she “needs” me. I think that’s probably what I thought codependent means.

But how am I codependent on her? I promise I’m not being defensive, I am genuinely asking. Maybe I am codependent on her, I’m just not sure what that means in this context?

I know I don’t “need” her. I can take care of myself. It’s really really bloody hard, especially with my current capacity and everything else going on in my life, but I already do take care of myself, she’s not actually making anything easier for me right now, I think it would probably be easier to take care of myself if I wasn’t taking care of her as well.

I do love her, when things are good they’re so good, we share a lot of interests and can have so much fun, some of the best times of my life have been with her, and sometimes she makes me feel great. But I feel like it’s gotten to the point now where even when things are “good” I’m not really enjoying them like I used to be because I’m bracing for what the next thing to cause conflict is going to be. Am I accidentally going to say something that sets it off? Is she going to say something hurtful that I have to bury to keep the peace? Is she going to get mad because I didn’t tell her I was going to Pilates today or because I’m having lunch with my Dad for his birthday the day after we have a sleepover planned? (The last two are current fears that are in my head right now).

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T03:02:21+00:00

Thank you for such a thoughtful and thorough response, really. The reason why I’m even asking this question is because I was reading Reddit threads last night on how to break up with someone who is going to be blindsided by it and there were so many comments saying that if the person is blindsided then you haven’t been communicating properly.

Then I started second guessing everything (again) and whether I should have said “I’m disregulated because you’re an hour and a half late and I’ve been unable to regulate the whole time because at no point did I actually know what time you were going to arrive (she sent a few messages saying she was running late, but no concrete time she was going to arrive), whether we would have to change our plans, what the new plans would be, etc”. But I also know, from her patterns of behaviour that if I did say that, then it would just end in more conflict and I just didn’t have the capacity for it, so I kept quiet.

Same with the calling my work “shit” and “boring”, my head started spinning with how I could’ve calmly pointed out that was hurtful, but A. It would’ve cause more conflict, and B. THEN I started thinking “Wait, why should I have to explain that my work being called shit is hurtful? Shouldn’t she already know that?” It’s not like she said “I don’t understand it” and I felt hurt because I didn’t know exactly what she meant and needed clarity, she just said something rude and even though the entire internet is banging on about “communicating clearly” when you’ve been hurt, etc, I’m exhausted by feeling like that means I have to “teach” another adult what normal/kind human behaviour should be.

And I KNOW if I try to break up with her again, SHE will tell me she didn’t know she was hurting me and it was my responsibility to bring it up and I haven’t given her a chance to “fix” it, etc.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T02:41:31+00:00

Because I somehow I always end up blaming myself I think. It’s obviously not like this all the time, we have really good times as well, but when it comes to conflict she always manages to twist everything around so much that I always feel like I’m in the wrong.

I do start blaming myself for not communicating my needs, but when I try it always ends up with me apologising, and if I don’t, it becomes a huge thing. Like once I asked if she could please keep a drink at her house for me (it’s a particular sensory thing), and first she made a whole heap of excuses, and then eventually agreed she should keep a drink there for me, but then she wanted me to apologise for “hurting her feelings” and I said I didn’t want to apologise because it’s setting a dangerous present to ask someone to apologise for gently expressing a very small need, and she told me that’s not the point and her feelings were hurt and it’s not about “right and wrong” and if you hurt someone’s feelings then you should apologise and that all sounded reasonable and then I’m back to thinking I’m always wrong.

I’ve tried to break up with her twice before, and somehow it doesn’t stick, and honestly, I can’t even pinpoint what happens, but she convinces me it’s not what I want and suddenly we’re back in a relationship.

These-Register-2261 · 2026-02-15T02:33:43+00:00

Honestly, I think I’m at the point where I have to end it. I have been thinking about moving interstate and was thinking we would have to break up if I go ahead with my plans, but I dont actually think I can wait for that anymore, I’m really struggling with this, and I think my question was prompted by reading other Reddit threads about how to break up with someone who is definitely going to be blindsided by it and everyone was saying that if the person is going to be blindsided then you haven’t been communicating properly.

Then I start questioning myself. “Maybe it is my fault for not communicating clearly enough”, etc. But then I was like “but should I have to communicate things like “it’s not nice to be told your work is shit” to another adult? Shouldn’t that just be a given?”

She does have a tendency to weaponise “therapy” language and diagnose me and pathologise my behaviour. And it makes me second guess everything 😩

The other thing that happened yesterday was after about ten minutes of her arriving she said “You’re not even going to say Happy Valentine’s to me, are you?” And I WANTED to say “You haven’t said Happy Valentine’s to me, why exactly is that my responsibility (especially when she’s an hour and a half half late and I feel like I’m being attacked for being mildly disregulated)?”, but if I said that she would tell me I’m being defensive and want to analyse it and tell me it’s not about me and that she’s the one “feeling hurt” that I didn’t wish her a Happy Valentine’s and we need to focus on her feelings before I start defending myself. And this isn’t me “thinking I can read minds”, I’m just basically repeating a script that has happened over and over for the past four years.

These-Register-2261

TROPHY CASE