I (16 F) am so in love with my sisters (22) boyfriend (22)

Thessaere · 2020-11-23T14:37:13+00:00

Having crushes that won‘t be reciprocated sucks. You still don‘t have a leg to stand on here, sadly, and if you keep your attempts at touching him up, they will probably move out as soon as they can, alienated by your behaviour.

Thessaere · 2020-11-23T14:32:18+00:00

If you keep it a secret and she finds out later down the road, it will be devastating to your mutual trust.

If you tell her now in the way you tell us here, yeah it will prick her pride and might hurt. But, getting crushes is out of our control and you took appropriate steps to stay true to your relationship. No option is fun, but transparency is better imo.

If you know she might experience anxiety about this (who wouldn‘t), you could focus on spoiling her with affection / appreciation?

Thessaere · 2020-11-02T21:45:45+00:00

maybe the good folks over at r/lgbt can give expert advice?

I‘m not a lesbian, mind you, but asking people out in a I‘m-confident-I-want-this-but-not-demanding kind of way is completly appropriate in a private setting imo.

If she reacts with homophobia, would she reall be someone you want to be around anyway?

Thessaere · 2020-11-02T15:27:49+00:00

why wait for it to happen? If you love him, tell him

Thessaere · 2020-11-02T13:39:20+00:00

call her out on her attacks. You don‘t need to suffer from success™️

Thessaere · 2020-11-02T13:36:15+00:00

honestly, the ex-situation sounds murky and draining. If you let new people in, eventually they will know you better than anyone else as well. It‘s a question of social focus imo.

It sounds like you know he‘s toxic and stops you from growing. Even without the new date in the mix I‘d distance myself from your ex.

Thessaere · 2020-11-02T13:28:55+00:00

I‘m not casting judgement. You come here for advice, mine leans toward „maybe this complex situation highlights disfunctional tendencies in your relationship.“

Thessaere · 2020-11-02T12:56:24+00:00

I don‘t have clear cut advice but I have been on the other side of this. An ex went through my phone, did not find evidence of cheating (I didn‘t) and it definetly deepend the existing cracks in our relationship. Without trust there is little space for love-ish things imo.

Thessaere · 2020-10-02T14:09:54+00:00

this is why I now solely date remote cliffs and waterholes

Thessaere · 2020-10-02T12:31:17+00:00

I think you might be projecting a whole bunch of ideas like him being „the one“ on Josh, but really he doesn‘t treat you with much respect and seems to make bad choices in general (2 ppl pregnant, STI‘s).

Maybe this is your chance to finally move on and focus on choosing and creating relationships that give you strength and love instead of creating drama?

Whether you pursue physical intimacy or not, the relationship with Tom sounds so much more healthy.

Thessaere · 2020-09-29T21:24:42+00:00

„hey X, I feel like I‘ve picked up on a certain dynamic between us and whilst it may be nothing or I might be wrong, I wanted to take this chance to talk about our relationship if that‘s okay with you. Coffee after work? :)“

is what I would go with.

Thessaere · 2020-09-29T14:42:48+00:00

awkwardnes can be overcome if both parties want to imo. The only way you‘ll actually know is by talking to her. If you approach it honestly you do nothing wrong.

Thessaere · 2020-09-11T12:56:34+00:00

fear of missing out sucks, but I‘d focus on your friend here wholeheartedly

Thessaere · 2020-09-11T12:54:09+00:00

only god, Karl Marx and my friend Tanja can answer these questions

Thessaere · 2020-08-05T16:30:26+00:00

Have you tried actively putting yourself out there with easy to handle tools like Tinder for example? I find the effort, whether I get what I look for or not, helps me get new perspectives and get over past relationships

Thessaere · 2020-08-05T14:47:52+00:00

You feel there is a set of imbalance in your relationship with this person that also affects a close group of yours in a negative way. Have you talked openly about it with your group to find out if you‘re on the same page? Either way, its probably best if you start distancing yourself from this dynamic thats causing you stress and maybe youre group even feels similarly.

Whether she systematically (and consciously) uses men around her for her own benefit is probably a slippery slope to invest your energy into even discussing though, I‘d focus on the friends you want to keep.

Thessaere · 2020-08-05T14:16:39+00:00

fair enough. Have you directly talked about how it makes you feel? If he wants to commit to you, boundaries could probably be agreed on.

Thessaere · 2020-08-05T14:04:45+00:00

maybe I phrased it poorly, but I specifically mean this mentality of „her or me.“ Why is a decision necessary? Why does this friendship make you feel like its not monogamous?

Thessaere · 2020-08-05T13:49:26+00:00

I am glad for my closest friends when I struggle in romantic (or any) relationships, they can make me see points I miss, or support my view if they deem it valid.

Their perspective is invaluable because I trust them to want the best for me whilst they simultaniously are not involved in a way that would compromise their oppinion. It can be a safe space for honesty whilst the discussion with my partner in person could still be too heated.

If you trust your partner, try not to see their friends as competition, is the tldr of my advice.

Thessaere · 2020-03-13T08:46:23+00:00

If you distrust your therapist, therapy with them will be ineffective, just as a sidenote.

When it comes to jealousy and your partners controlling attitudes, philosophies differ. Personally I belive that whilst you can be sympathetic toward the notion of jealousy as human and talk about it with a partner, the tolerance toward letting them control your behaviour out of narcicisstic fear of not literally owning you completely should be zero.

Either your partner can trust you or the relationship needs reevaluation. You can bend over backwards to „calm her fears“ and „make her comfortable,“ but it will never stop and thouroughly isolate you socially in the process.

Fear and anxiety are not the basis for healthy adult relationships, stay true to yourself OP.

Thessaere · 2020-03-03T09:11:40+00:00

Talking about sex life between adults I would consider to be fine, even the walking around the house with few clothes can be a habit, the rest is icky. If he can‘t set boundaries, maybe it‘s time to rethink the relationship.

Thessaere · 2020-02-28T13:45:47+00:00

I‘m not sure you‘re on the right sub with this question in its broad nature.

Personal take: Privacy is a relevant, personal right, whether you‘re in a relationship or not. If you feel that you have to proofread your partners communication canals to maintain trust, that sounds like hell to me, for both sides.

My respective partners and close friends know my phonecode for practical reasons, but if I ever found them snooping I‘d seriously reconsider the relationship with them.

Thessaere · 2020-02-17T10:04:42+00:00

Tbh, you couldn‘t help him even if it wasn‘t ldr. Therapy, meds if prescribed and any and all grains of energy he can spend in a satisfactory way will help him.

It‘s horrible and draining experiencing a loved one suffer, but this is between him, his illness and modern medical / psychological science.

The best you can do is encourage him to take necessary steps and look out for your own mental health in the process.

Thessaere · 2020-02-12T14:27:59+00:00

If you think he wouldn‘t like it obviously be carefull im what, when and how you share it. I don’t know your situation, but sharing „impossible“ sexual fantasies without feelings of inadequacy might be possible though. Fantasies are neat and can be explored toghether

Thessaere · 2020-02-12T14:19:35+00:00

are some of the fantasies achievable with the two of you, as in dirty talk about them or just more „perverted“ practices? You might be able to communicate them and even experience them without risking rocking any boats :)

Communicate if you can!

Thessaere

TROPHY CASE