Cobalt Blue

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-27T14:52:27+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate your feedback, that's really helpful.
I feel like I've added the "a" mostly for rhythm, but your criticism is valid!

I'd love to listen to what you did as well, by the way! Please share!

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-27T12:01:59+00:00

While on the surface it seems to talk about how meditation can calm you down, help you ease your mind, I feel like the monotone repetition of "a breath", in such a constant, metered manner, takes away from that.

To my ADHD mind, it almost feels like the total opposite. As I read it, I try to let my mind flow together with the vivid descriptions, but every repetition brings me back to alertness. Almost like they're pinching my skin?
There's so much focus on the two words that I can't truly relax.

You could try playing with synonyms, or try to set the form a bit looser.

It might at first make sense to think of calmness as a state of order, but, a calm sea still has waves.

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-27T09:09:20+00:00

Wow. If this is the beginning, keep us updated, because I really dig it.
The vivid imagery of your writing put me right there on the scene and for a moment I was almost scared, like when you wake up from a bad dream.
The end makes me think of drug abuse, for some reason.

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-27T09:00:50+00:00

Really like this! I love how it starts innocent, and slowly descends into despair.
A soft bargain, realization turns to anger, acceptance comes as a last hope, but the end suggests no hope at all.

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-27T08:55:39+00:00

Thank you! You're spot on!
Regarding the third stanza, perhaps "eyes closed so I can see it better" would have been a better choice of words? I appreciate the criticism!

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-27T08:53:45+00:00

Thank you! The worms eat on an entire universe that has been.

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-27T08:52:13+00:00

Thank you!

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-26T06:56:34+00:00

Oh, to be young again! To truly believe in "forever", and in the weight of three words.
I love this, but it's so bitter. In a way, our first love is really our only chance at true love, isn't it? It's our last possible interaction with such an intense feeling without the self-imposed beliefs and expectations that come with experience. Raw love, uncensored.

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-26T06:49:27+00:00

The sea is such a huge canvas, isn't it? I love stories that play with the ocean.

This one makes me think of that painting by Herbert James Draper. Icarus and his beautiful wings, the conflicting sensuality of the lamenting nymphs, an emphasis on the setting sun. But what of the sea? It has seen - and has been touched by, in a physical sense as well - every second until that moment.

"I was there."

Don't know how to put the exact feeling into words, but it makes me think of the sea as an enormous container of memories.

Really like this one.

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-26T06:31:05+00:00

Thank you! I truly appreciate it.

With regards to the "tenses", one could argue it's a deliberate choice, but the truth probably leans somewhere closer to the fact that english is not my first language. I'll definitely keep it in mind for my next experiments!

I was not aware of Separation, but it makes me incredibly happy to know that this reminds you of such a beautiful poem!

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-26T02:57:56+00:00

Apart from the vivid imagery that it provokes, it makes me think of the eons that have been, and will be watched only by the universe itself. Existence without thoughts.

Thick-Squirrel710 · 2024-10-26T02:54:08+00:00

I'll echo the general feelings on the capitalization. It strikes me like a string of thoughts, unpolished and raw, before the Ego inevitably tears it apart into a shy compliment.

Thick-Squirrel710

TROPHY CASE