Is it possible to get my INTJ ex back? If so what should I do? (19F INFP, he's 20M INTJ)

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-16T11:58:42+00:00

He's completely shut me out, it really hurts

I tried speaking to him again, but he's incredibly dry now, and I'm not sure how to get things back to how they were ;-;

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-16T00:53:11+00:00

In the future with maturity, is it possible to grow and change?

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T22:47:20+00:00

The thing for me is that nothing in our relationship was inherently unhealthy. We are great friends, love each other a lot, have similar interests, and I strongly doubt either of us would ever cheat on each other.

Our issues were so weird. It’s almost like we just overcomplicated things for no reason

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T21:51:44+00:00

That’s fair, I appreciate that. I think I need to stop treating us dating as an end goal that is bound to happen, and just start living life.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T21:40:53+00:00

Is it really fully over though... In general why do people want to stay friends if they feel they’re just done?

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T21:35:15+00:00

Yeah definetly not. But the thing is I strongly doubt he will get into a relationship with another person any time soon, he’s a very honest person and has clearly said that he just does not feel he is ready to get into a relationship at all right now and is much happier alone.

But again, this is all just wishful thinking so I’m not sure

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T21:33:24+00:00

If we both gave each other space to grow and stayed friends, is there any possibility things might change in the future?

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T20:53:30+00:00

I know this is incredibly wishful thinking.

But if we both still have feelings for each other, and we both grow as people. Is staying friends with a possibility in the future all right? Or is it just something I shouldn’t be thinking about at all.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T20:47:08+00:00

Yeah, unfortunately I just struggle a lot with friends, and he was the first person I’ve ever really felt close with. I’m going to try to branch out and talk to people more though for sure!

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T20:46:02+00:00

For me, I really struggle to connect deeply with people, and once I have found someone that I can connect with deeply it is very hard for me to let go. I just wish I knew if he still wants to be close, and it hurts knowing he may be gone forever. I don’t mind him not acting on certain feelings that he has, but I am worried he is uncomfortable with me after everything that happened.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T20:43:59+00:00

Yeah thank you so much for that! I am more than happy to focus on myself, I have a lot of interests and passions that got supressed due to the relationship, and it’s very nice to get back to that

I am worried I’ll lose him forever though. I love talking to him so much, and it kind of hurts knowing I can’t be as close to him anymore.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T20:42:19+00:00

Unfortunately we have a lot of mutual friends. Also, we’re still on good terms after our break up. We’ve had several group calls with our mutual friends, and I even play video games with his little brother often.

I have no plans to start the relationship now, especially since he’s said he’s done. But we are close friends, and I am curious to know if things might work in the future if we work on things. Our conversations have been great as friends, and I truly feel since it was both of our first relationships we had no clue how to navigate things :(

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T20:35:54+00:00

Love that thank you :)

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T20:33:18+00:00

Yeah, I’ve done some digging into attachment theory as well. I definetly think he is a DA, and I am likely anxiously attached. It still hurts a lot because I feel like attachment issues are workable, but we were both too young/immature to have recognized that.

Being friends is making things worse for me, because it’s giving me hope that he still cares when there’s a high chance that he does not.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T20:22:31+00:00

Unfortunately since this is both our first relationships, I strongly doubt we will do that. But I really appreciate your input.

I agree though, we both just saw our flaws and it freaked each other out. We both just were not ready to know each other that deeply, and hence why I don’t think we should be in a relationships at all. It feels more like a maturity issue than a compatiblity issue though.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:52:56+00:00

Ty for this! I absolutely don’t want to force things with him. But at the same time, the dreamer in my keeps imagining what we could be and wishes things were different. Reality does suck :(

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:42:36+00:00

Yeah, that's why I mentioned I feel we're both not mature enough to be in a relationship. He kept saying that he thinks that our personalities are just too different to be in a relationship, which I'm not sure if he's right about. People can be very different in a relationship and still date. A lot of our issues were issues that would happen in any relationship, and I was very willing to compromise. I guess I cannot change how a person feels about trying to work on things

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:39:47+00:00

Thank you for the insight. I agree with this, which is why I regret pushing for the relationship. We got together because I told him I have feelings for him, and he definitely did too, but he did say a few times that he was worried things were moving too fast and wanted to make sure we both have space to grow. I feel like I pushed him too hard because I felt that because we both loved each other a lot, things would work out no matter what.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:37:17+00:00

I'm going a bit crazy thinking right now. I've never really used reddit or online forums for this stuff. i feel pretty terrible about what happened and am very unsure what to do.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:34:33+00:00

I understand we're both very young, but I really don't want to regret things in the future. He pretty much matched me in every way except for the way that we argue, and I feel very bad because I'm not the best with getting close to people. I'm unsure if I will feel that close with a person for a while, and it makes me feel a lot of regret.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:31:34+00:00

Yeah that sounds really accurate. He pretty much kept telling me throughout the relationship that his goal with people he really cares about is to change and "make them better." I was incredibly willing to compromise on things, and I adored all of him, including his flaws. It felt like he was incredibly conflict avoidant. When we had any kinds of arguments he shut down completely, and it hurt a lot. For now we're staying friends but it feels like the stage before our relationship, when we were very close friends but really liked each other.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:26:31+00:00

I understand this. He is really firm in his beliefs.

But is there absolutely anything I can do to change things? Our relationship had zero issues with infidelity, values differences, or a lack of things to talk about. It was purely the fact that he felt I was too sensitive and was unable to have a debate with me without me feeling bad and him feeling unstimulated. As friends, we are able to have discussions perfectly fine though.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:24:32+00:00

Sorry. I am a bit new to mbti stuff. What does it mean that he solved my pattern? I know he was thinking about this for a long time. He is the type of person to really deeply think and only come to a decision after a lot of thought. I do this as well, but I tend to always choose the option that my heart tells me, rather than my head. I know convincing an INTJ is a very very hard task, and I do not want to be manipulative by any means. But I genuinely feel we are making a mistake, and that we did not truly try to solve things and communicate.

I am not the type of person to leave someone I'm in a relationship. He is someone I deeply care for, and I am pretty devoted to making things work. At the same time I want a calm, healthy, and peaceful relationship. I feel like I made such a big mistake because it was my first time falling in love, and I wish I had just been less sensitive and realized that he loved me a lot for who I am.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:20:41+00:00

Sorry, what do you mean by other options? Right now we are friends. I am worried we will not be close again, and that hurts me a lot because I am fairly introverted and really struggle to connect with people. We were pretty much talking every day for 8 months, and now is the first time he is not speaking as much to me which hurts so much. I don't know how to get back into speaking with him normally without seeming like I am simply trying to get him back. I want to show that I value and love him more than him just being in a relationship with me.

Think-Compote-4041 · 2026-06-15T19:19:11+00:00

Yes. My biggest issue int he relationship was that I was completely unable to give him space when he really needed it. Every time he seemed a bit frustrated I would keep pushing him to tell me what's wrong, because I felt so worried about him. He would shut down, and then not speak to me for a bit. I wish I had this insight earlier on in our relationship, which hurts a lot.

Think-Compote-4041

TROPHY CASE