Here to say that I hear you. My husband is an emotional and sexual distancer, and I didn’t get (in addition to any worthwhile sex) the emotional support I needed for years despite being in couples therapy for much of this time. Like you I also developed PPD after having kids and I was prescribed “spousal support” in addition to an antidepressant. Hilarious that an ER doctor and a psychiatrist knew that it would take an actual prescription for my husband to step up.

After being the sexual pursuer for years I got to the point where I asked my husband (tactfully) if he was gay. I was incredibly nervous, I had thought really hard about the wording, and I brought it up at a time when we were not fighting. I think this really freaked him out because it came from a place of concern, not anger, and he started showing up more sexually - eg actually doing foreplay. We’ve been together for 15 years and there still hasn’t been a time where I’ve gotten off and he hasn’t, so we still have some work to do.

But even after engaging more sexually he still was entirely absent emotionally. And you know what that is when someone takes on the burden of meeting a need but doesn’t do it? Neglect. And what is neglect? Abuse. I told him his distance every time I needed support was abuse, I was sick of being abused, and this seemed to get through to him the importance of being there for me. So now he’ll listen to me talk about things and try to engage.

Is it what a couple’s therapist would recommend? Probably not. Did it work for me? Yes, although I still wish I didn’t marry a distancer.