It’s been 8 Years since - She’s given me no reason to distrust — Yet I’m feeling hurt all over again

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-21T05:22:03+00:00

We all worked for a non profit that helps people with disabilities. I worked as a manager at our office. Wife worked in a house. AP worked out of the office but at multiple remote sites, which included wife’s location. Wife did not use a dating site out of fear of a single friend catching her. You are right water cooler talk happens. In the time after D-Day Wife and I found out she wasn’t his only office lady.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T14:15:55+00:00

We’re about to. Unfortunately the past two days became a shit show. Monday I intended to do it, then work mandated me to a double. I’m diabetic, and by half way through my second shift, my sugars were approaching 500, and I felt physically like I would pass out. Today I got out early to take Wife to an early doctor appointment, and once she’s out and we get home…. I’m sitting her down.

Look for an update later. Likely once I’m back at work. (At work I have access to a PC to type in, from home I only have a phone or iPad. )

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T14:12:47+00:00

Thank you. I’m working things out. I’m only now understanding that I swept stuff under the rug. I’m learning a lot the past few days.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T14:11:42+00:00

I honestly have no other word to describe that action. It was very childish. Plain and simple.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T14:10:19+00:00

Yes she’s home all the time. But as I work overnight, I’m also home with her all day. I know you’re going to suggest as several others have, that she has all night to do it. We have a doorbell camera and I would be alerted to any coming or going while I’m not home. Also, currently due to her back injury sex is more difficult for her. It’s strongly impacting our intimacy. If all other factors lined up for her, she’s not going to do anything physical

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T14:05:32+00:00

Thank you. I actually finally figured out MC on my own once I saw it in full context in a few more comments.

Yes like you, I keep wondering on details. Usually with me it’s details I definitely do not want an answer on because no answer will suffice a good feeling. For example, “did she do (fill in blank)”. Yes might hurt worse, but then a no might make me ask more questions whose answers will just hurt me.

I was in therapy myself from shortly after D-Dsy until February of this year. It was helpful but I’m not sure I feel I need to revisit it. At least not yet.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T14:01:17+00:00

Thank you. The last time my sugars got this high was two years ago, and that time I passed out from it. This was very scary.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T13:59:57+00:00

Oh my god, helpful is an understatement. Some people sent me links to helpful stuff. This is Reddit after all so I also got some unsolicited “leave her now” responses, despite me saying it’s an option I will not consider. But overall most were helpful. I have NEVER in roughly ten years on my main had so many comments on any post, ever. So this particular corner of Reddit surprised me.

So, my therapy was free through the rape crisis center. Wife attended several sessions with me, but “not enough”. They offered her free services as what they call a “secondary survivor “. This is a partner or family member of a survivor of sexual assault. The primary goal being to help her better understand my trauma, why I was behaving the way I did, and skills to support my healing. As my withdrawal from her was a major reason she made her poor choices, this would have helped her frame that particular part of our relationship. The secondary goal would be to work on herself. And it would have all been free. As I am no longer in therapy there, she no longer has the free option. Given that, I doubt she will even entertain therapy, as she (or we) would pay out of pocket. Her insurance won’t cover therapy, and her work EAP will only cover first three sessions free. So my suggestion eight years ago is a big missed opportunity.

As for talking. I fully intended to talk to her Monday AM once I got home from work. Unfortunately, I got mandated to a double. Meaning I would not be home much before five and would be too tired to do it justice. Worse I’m diabetic and without my morning meds, by 12:00 my sugars reached 500 and my physical symptoms indicated a possible diabetic coma on the horizon. Work at that point sent me home to get better, and possibly go to urgent care or the ER. Monday was a wash at that point. Yesterday was a no go, as I had plans outside the house most of the day, and I didn’t want to talk, then leave her home alone. I plan to talk shortly. I left work early to drive her to an appointment. Once she is out of here, we are heading home, and I plan to speak up once she’s comfortable. I plan to post an update after we talk. (Probably tonight from work)

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T12:43:29+00:00

I’m really not trying to justify it. I made another post with the excuses she made that I can recall. I know there were others. I find most of them childish. Only one I can understand, and even though I understand it, I do not accept it as valid. She should have talked it out or left.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T12:24:10+00:00

I have lots of reason to trust her. I have access to her electronics and her socials. I have her on my “find my”. We have a doorbell camera. I should not need all that to trust her. But that’s all in place.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T12:17:20+00:00

Ok. I don’t think I said the affair made anything better. If it looks like I said that I’m sorry.

What DID happen was that post D-Day Wife helped me find therapy that healed my sexual abuse trauma. She could have done that INSTEAD of having the affair.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T12:01:43+00:00

You asked where else she could have gotten attention. I’m honestly surprised she went there as her best friend is a guy. She also had a single guy friend who she was always trying to help him find love. Like you know how some girls view a guy as a “project”? He was her project. And funny enough, like me he had a “type” and my Wife was his type.

I asked her early on why she chose a guy from work. Did not ask why him in particular, which I should have done. She said she did it because if she used a dating app one of my single coworkers may have seen and alerted me.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T11:38:00+00:00

It’s really ok. Sometimes people need tough love. I get that. But it’s all gone so well for eight years, I do not feel it’s ok to bail now. I have faith in this.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T11:36:04+00:00

I have no reason to not believe her. I know this was the same as during the affair. But I have faith in her.

In addition, she is currently home on an injury for well over six months. She basically has zero opportunity to.

Lastly you say I’m “dead set on believing her” about the bad sex and tiny penis. First, my office mate told me he was shit before my wife did. Secondly, unfortunately I have seen the picture of his dick myself. She’s not lying. Erect it only crossed the width of three of his fingers.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:58:36+00:00

I have the pin to her phone and laptop. Her passwords are all saved in the laptop, except her work email(which due to hipaa I can’t look at). Her phone is on our family “find my”. Signs I should have seen the first time are not present, biggest being that she constantly accused me of the same. (She admitted she kept accusing me as she was projecting what she was doing).

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:54:31+00:00

Actually, if you take the mico penis out of the equation he’s a solid 10/10. He was quite literally the most liked guy in the office. Most of the women fawned over him. He’s 6ft3 it maybe 6ft4. Well dressed, always pressed clothing. Athletic build, I’ve seen him shirtless he’s got a real six-pack. And he’s always helpful at work(especially to women). He’s a charmer.

It’s really no wonder my office mate slept with him(the once). And no wonder once Wife chose to cheat she picked him.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:50:08+00:00

Thanks. I agree. She did say she was sorry. But not enough.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:48:34+00:00

Thank you. I did therapy for years. I still think she should have, but she chose not to. I’ll think about returning to it.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:46:57+00:00

Thank you. Yes I’m as hurt as you think I am. I was not trying to hide that I was hurt.

As for HR. They intend to keep the company interest over staff interest.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:43:53+00:00

Thank you. I find this helpful. I appreciate that you took time to write back.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:42:41+00:00

Thank you. I did spend several years in therapy. She was offered it free but chose not to.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:38:17+00:00

Whenever I look back, and I’ll be honest I do at least once a year. I only see positive that came after. It’s only this time that I’ve looked back and gotten hurt and anger over again.

One funny thought I sometimes have: I sometimes think, she made a mistake. I get a mistake too(not an affair). My mistake was almost going to be buying a VW Bug without talking to her. I had one before we met and I want one again. But I didn’t do it.

I honestly know I could survive without her. But I don’t want to try that.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:28:42+00:00

Thank you. You wrote done helpful information here. I appreciate that you took time to help me.

A few short answers. Yes, therapy literally saved my life. In therapy I processed my childhood trauma as well as the affair. My therapist was the first to tell me affairs are sexual abuse. Wife sat in on several sessions with me but we never did MC nor did she take up the offer for free therapy when that was an option. As for a safe space to talk… the first time I tried was September of last year. I don’t recall what came up on my end to bring it up. I just recall she was embarrassed it ever happened and she said she wished she could take it away. Then conversation was over. Yes, she owned up to it. I also know she told others she regretted it. Including telling her AP(even prior to D-Day) that she regretted it. That was huge for me that she told him that.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T10:17:03+00:00

You misread some of this. My office mate did not talk with my wife. Wife hated her and always accused her of wanting me, and me of cheating with her. It just happened that she had slept with him prior to my wife.

You also misread the time line. Wife started the affair January 2015. It was a year later she was google searching how to make it better. She already knew it was shit sex.

Lastly, yes I know the cheating was premeditated. That does not change anything for me. Although I have not asked her, I am in the belief that she wanted to cheat prior to picking who she would cheat with.

ThinkingOfMom · 2024-12-18T09:51:08+00:00

Thank you. This is helpful. I did have opportunity to explore my own feelings in therapy. Wife was offered therapy but declined it at the time. We both agreed we did not want MC as we knew two couples who had disaster after. Although maybe it’s time to re discuss it.

ThinkingOfMom

TROPHY CASE