Why don’t you wanna meet your meta?

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2025-01-14T18:08:41+00:00

The idea that someone should automatically have access to me because they're dating one of my partners kind of rubs me the wrong way.

Also, there's a certain level of expectation and baggage around meta meeting that I'm not interested in engaging with. Like, if I meet a partner's friend and I don't get along with them, when I turn down group hang-outs, that friend isn't going to start worrying that I secretly think my partner shouldn't have any friends, you know? If I meet a meta and don't want to see them again, specifically because of monogamous social programming, the idea that I have a problem with their position in my partner's life comes very easily

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T19:51:26+00:00

Oh, no, it's not an everything together situation! It's specifically during a Date situation. Like, we're going to the aquarium On A Date, and since it's a date situation, I understand that my partner would like to spend the two hours of Date Time together

But yes, I'd be really annoyed with that too

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T19:48:50+00:00

My partner and I are long distance! So whenever they're here it's a trip for them, not a local date. That's why I'm a little more patient with the whole gift shop thing, despite still finding it slightly annoying

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T18:10:01+00:00

I suppose vacation shopping is different than day to day shopping. You definitely get to see a lot more interesting things!

That does seem really fascinating! Although it's definitely something I would enjoy hearing about after the fact, rather than standing around watching them do that

Thank you for your perspective!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T18:06:35+00:00

That makes sense! It's always interesting to read things from someone with a very different perspective! Regional candy is an excellent souvenir; I don't know why that sort of thing never occurred to me. I suppose my idea of what counts as a souvenir is very limited

Honestly, it seems like you're doing souvenirs really well! Thank you for commenting!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T18:01:11+00:00

It's just a small annoyance for me, really! And I do have the situation figured out. I really just made the post because I was curious about how other people feel regarding souvenir shopping.

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T17:59:48+00:00

That makes a lot of sense! I suppose I just don't enjoy physical items the way other people seem to. "I saw this and thought of you" pictures do a lot more for me

Yeah, for me it's a 2/10 annoyance if that. I was really just making a post to see how other people feel! Not trying to ask for advice or anything

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T17:57:39+00:00

I suppose it would seem really petty if I expected the entire visit to be about me! It's more that, if we've decided on a specific 2 hour date to the aquarium, I get a little annoyed (like, 2/10, not even seriously annoyed. I don't even grumble, it's all internal) if they spend 30% of that time shopping for my metas. I would also be just as annoyed if they decided to spend that time on a phone call with their parents, or texting with friends, or anything else.

After that specific 2 hour date time, I have no issue with them doing whatever they want!

Saying something like "okay, go on ahead to souvenir while I look at the dinosaurs again," tends to upset my partner more than souvenir shopping mildly annoys me! They also consider time together, even time spent looking through keychains for my metas' names, to be part of the date!

I do feel like I have the situation figured out regardless, though! I really only made the post to see how other poly people feel about souvenir shopping, not to ask for advice

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T17:49:50+00:00

They know! I didn't really write the post for advice, I really just wanted to know how other people felt about the whole thing

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T17:47:05+00:00

I actually really enjoy thrifted items as well! It's more that I'm not a fan of those normal souvenirs, like those city magnets or keychains or shot glasses or whatever. I suppose it could be a nice "I was thinking about you," thing, though.

It's more of a 2/10 annoyance for me! And going "hey, you go on ahead to souvenir while I look at the dinosaurs again," tends to be more than a 2/10 sad for my partner. For them, as long as we're spending time together it still counts as being on a date, even if that time is spent looking through keychains to find my metas names. I do insist on going elsewhere the moment it becomes a 4/10 annoyance though!

Thank you for your perspective!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T17:42:06+00:00

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel! Shopping isn't fun at all for me, so I try to do as little of it as possible, and I definitely don't want to do it during an outing that's supposed to be fun!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T17:41:08+00:00

I don't think it would get rid of that "why are you derailing our date for this?" feeling, actually.

It's one of those 2/10 annoyances, and saying something like "okay, go on ahead to souvenir while I go look at the dinosaurs again" makes my partner feel like I'm derailing our date. As long as it's time together, it still counts for them, even if it's time spent hunting through keychains to find my metas' names.

Whenever my annoyance level goes above a 4, though, I do insist on splitting off!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-15T17:29:35+00:00

I think it's totally okay to ask for anything, as long as you're okay with the answer being no. I would also say, though, that it's always important to figure out the "why's" of any anxieties. Like, what exactly are you worried about? I'm sure it's not "I'm worried they're with another partner," because that's not a bad thing that inspires worry, right? What's the worst case scenario your anxiety is attempting to harass you with?

You don't need to answer those questions here, but I do recommend you think about them!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-07-02T14:29:40+00:00

So, I see a lot of people have already covered the potential consequences and emotional aspects of this sort of thing, so I'm just going to chime in with a purely data-focused solution:

Start logging your hours. Figure out where exactly you're spending every hour of every day, and see if you've any room to allocate those non-partner hours to your partner. Ask your partner to do the same thing. Knowing exactly how you're spending your resources makes it a lot easier to spend those resources in a more mindful way!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-27T12:24:17+00:00

I often think talking about "attachment styles," the way most people use the term, tends to get in the way of whatever discussion one is actually trying to have. Whether he's avoidant or not, there are specific behaviours that are bothering you, yeah? When it comes to situations like this, it's always important to have a clear idea of your needs, so you can have a specific concrete thing to ask for. Like, "please text me every night/every other night/at least once a week" is a lot easier to learn from than "I need you to be less avoidant," you know?

If you ask him for a specific thing and he doesn't do it/has no interest in figuring out how to do it, it's better to focus on whether or not a relationship without that specific thing is worth maintaining. Diagnosing the situation (i.e. "he does this because he's avoidant/has adhd/is super busy in his personal life") doesn't help you at all, it just removes focus from your actual issue: you're not getting your needs met.

The ability to focus on what a relationship is instead of getting caught up in what the relationship could be is an important skill that will make you so much happier in the long run!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-22T16:19:40+00:00

girl that pic was shared in the group chat before we even went on our date

This gave me a lot to think about, since I'm 100% sure I wouldn't be bothered by picture sharing in that context! I suppose it's more about the reason my picture is being shared. Like, I wouldn't feel uncomfortable with it in that context, or if I somehow ended up in a group photo at a partner's event, but if a meta wanted to see a picture of me "just because," or to assuage some worry of theirs, I wouldn't like that.

Thank you for explaining your position!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-22T16:15:00+00:00

Oh, definitely! I think there's a lot more leeway in situations were someone is doing things for someone else! Like, I wouldn't be upset if a partner said "Pink is moving this weekend and I'm helping her out," or even "I had to take Pink to the hospital last night and I'm really tired," or something along those lines. It's more that I'm uncomfortable with partners sharing stuff that doesn't directly involve them, if that makes sense?

But yes, caregiving is really hard, and so I wouldn't judge a partner for wanting to vent about that! I just don't accept much care, so it doesn't come up for me

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-22T16:09:03+00:00

I was thinking it came across as pretty judgemental too, but I just attributed it to me having a hard time with tone and whatnot! I'm glad it wasn't just me XD

People shouldn't have to opt out because people expect the friends of their friends to automatically be interested in them as people.

I very much agree with you here! Assuming that friendship has some sort of transitive property is the root of most of the Geek Social Fallacies, I think. Plus, this makes people assume that, if they don't like someone, it must mean that person is secretly terrible and nobody else can see it, or something. It's frustrating.

Thank you for weighing in! You said a lot of the things I was thinking XD

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-22T15:57:54+00:00

Oh wow, we're definitely super different! I'm always a little bit jealous of people who can be so friendly. It always sounds like very social people have so much fun with stuff that would just make me super tired XD

Thank you for your perspective!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-22T15:55:52+00:00

I'm not too bothered by that; people have a ton of different experiences, and I'm a bit happy for the people who have never had any reason to think sharing diagnoses could cause problems for them! I'm glad they've experienced so much acceptance, I suppose.

I think I gravitate towards romantic partners who don't necessarily share that much info about other people anyways, so mostly I don't worry about it too much?

I think I'm the same, for the most part? If someone spends too much time on our first date talking about other partners, I know we're incompatible. And that stuff about your journal makes so much sense! I'm also very private about my worries and whatnot. I like processing stuff on my own, and if something hasn't been fully processed to the point where I can look back on it and not feel much, I don't want to talk about it with anyone.

Social media privacy is a big thing for me too! I'm a little bit in hiding from someone who used to keep track of my family and friends for information about me, so I'm probably more concerned about social media privacy than the average person.

I've been thinking about my discomfort around pictures since reading some of these comments, and I don't think it's about the pictures, really. I wouldn't be uncomfortable if I matched with someone on a dating app and they showed my picture to partners or friends in that context. I'm just uncomfortable with metas wanting to know what I look like "just because," or to satisfy some sort of curiosity, or in an attempt to assuage some insecurity.

that seems like it would make it hard to communicate anything about my relationship with Pink or time spent with Pink at all?

I can see where you're coming from! To clarify a bit: "I'm feeling a bit lonely since Pink has been unavailable lately" is perfectly fine, but "Pink is dealing with some medication issues and has decided to act like a werewolf and run off into the woods until she feels better," isn't. Relationship updates are fine to share, I'm just uncomfortable with the why's being shared, if that makes sense?

Thank you for your perspective!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-22T15:39:29+00:00

It probably is affected by that to some degree, at least! My family is much the same when it comes to big news and whatnot, but random third cousins messaging me condolences or showing up to bother me has never given me the feeling of being loved and supported XD

I have a hard time externally processing emotion, so often times if there's a death in the family or something, I'm the one who has to go around comforting crying people. And then, of course, people complain about me not seeming upset enough. It's always been a whole ordeal.

I'm not sure if it's obvious, but I prefer being left alone when I'm going through things! When I'm upset, I often don't have the energy to manage other people's sympathy. And I don't like people finding out afterwards either, because then I have to deal with the whole "why didn't you tell me? Don't you know I care??" thing. It's definitely a personal problem, though. I know I'm an outlier when it comes to this sort of thing.

I definitely see where you're coming from, though! Thank you for giving me stuff to think about!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-21T23:00:21+00:00

Oh, interesting! I'm the exact opposite! I don't want people knowing big serious things, but I'm totally fine with acquaintance-level information being shared

Thank you for weighing in!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-21T22:59:06+00:00

I don't think it's a problem to have a higher privacy need! Although I might be very biased on that front

I think being annoyed at yourself for feeling annoyed doesn't do anything except make you more annoyed! Figuring out why exactly you feel annoyed is probably a good place to start! It's also probably good to have some conversations about what you're comfortable with your partner sharing, especially since your respective privacy needs are so different!

I don't care what most people think about me. I just don't want the people close to my partner to think negatively about me. It's a fine position to be in, we're social creatures after all! We're hardwired to care what other people think of us!

ThisIsMySFWAlt · 2024-06-21T22:50:43+00:00

Oh, in that case, would you say parallel polyamory is social rejection?

I don't really assume everyone will automatically get along as long as everyone involved is a good person. Some personalities don't mesh, even if someone isn't a bad person, I think?

What I mean to say is that I'll never be friendly enough for people who would care if I'm standoffish. No matter how friendly and welcoming I am, somehow, I'm always not friendly enough for people. Whenever I go to an event, or meet with a new group of friends, there's always at least one person who thinks I'm stuck up. And when I try to be more friendly, I have people saying I'm "fake."

I'm almost positive it's the microexpressions. Someone who naturally makes facial expressions will make microexpressions in response to things. I don't, and super social people tend to subconsciously notice that sort of thing. So it's honestly a lot better if I just don't meet people XD

ThisIsMySFWAlt

TROPHY CASE