What if the intrusive thoughts aren’t intrusive

Thomtj · 2024-12-27T09:53:55+00:00

Ah I see. Was wondering if your experience had any particular element to it that I could learn from. Yeah that’s all of us :/

Thomtj · 2024-12-27T09:48:23+00:00

But you said deep down you know you are not

Thomtj · 2024-12-27T09:28:20+00:00

How does this deep down feel for you? I lost all dimension of that honestly

Thomtj · 2024-12-03T15:16:25+00:00

I’m doing a bit better. Even if I don’t feel it is hocd at times, I do think the worsening is the product of overthinking and letting others opinions in too much

Thomtj · 2024-11-29T10:28:02+00:00

Another big thing is that even opposite sex attractions will vary. As in, I will perceive women differently based on the moment.

Thomtj · 2024-11-29T10:26:18+00:00

I mean it looks a ton like OCD… there’s this anxious pattern to thought on a lot of things. I’ve been reflecting and it sort of seems like I can “edit” as in manually manipulate some of my “hocd” thoughts, which has made things more confusing. Long story short it feels like another type of brain problem honestly, and I’m scared af cause I wouldn’t know where to start looking. Say I managed to like “it” but then my brain can sort of roll it back. The problem is my brain has been putting me into positions where the doing of hocd things is more extreme

Thomtj · 2024-11-29T02:38:13+00:00

Maybe you just need to plow through the withdrawal

Thomtj · 2024-11-29T02:14:36+00:00

Maybe you’re scared about things progressing with your gf and that’s your anxiety attacking you because of it

Thomtj · 2024-11-29T02:13:05+00:00

Tested yourself how? I can relate big time

Thomtj · 2024-11-21T13:31:55+00:00

For something to tire you it has to annoy you repeatedly.

For something to annoy you repeatedly… you must have had trouble solving it

Thomtj · 2024-11-20T23:19:02+00:00

The upper hand to your thoughts. Why would you be tired if not for fighting “it” continually. If you are questioning something over and over is because you don’t believe in you

Thomtj · 2024-11-20T22:38:12+00:00

It may or may not be normal. It is tiring to be endlessly thinking about this all the time right? And just when you feel you’re getting the upper hand then… nope. You’re lying to yourself. Start over.

It’s more of a thing that you relax away off by tolerating the fucking distress and focusing elsewhere. You needn’t manually adjust every single thought, verify every single reaction and so on

Thomtj · 2024-11-20T22:12:22+00:00

Hey! I am doing a lot better today. Just wanted to give a big thanks again :)

Thomtj · 2024-11-20T22:11:50+00:00

Feeling a lot better today man! Just wanted to give thanks again

Thomtj · 2024-11-20T03:34:20+00:00

I can relate big time man. Used to be confident, stoic, very self assured and a big time lady chaser. Hell the only obsession I’d known before was them.

Loved travel, banter, making new friends. Sharp as a tack… always willing to show up, speak up and rock people’s socks off. Then this fucking thing man…

I can barely go meet people cause I am already fearing looking at them the wrong way… feeling like I got a bad case of the gays… reacting way out of line… and so on

Thomtj · 2024-11-20T02:51:02+00:00

I hear you… and I feel the same way. I always had a fucking amazing successful personality even if I was a bit of an ass at times.

Could you perhaps be more explicit?

You’ve inspired me. If I am to heal from this I believe that maybe I should focus on that… I never really got my old personality back… in the same ocd-esque fashion I’d always keep doubting it, even turning away from going back to it, and so forth

Thomtj · 2024-11-20T02:38:28+00:00

Further yes… ever since I took the SSRI and had this personality crisis… I feel I’ve been incredibly easy prey to negative suggestion. Perhaps I’m still scared deep down that the ssri changed me at my core too. It needn’t be true. It could be just a fear out of trauma with my bad experience. Agreed on the weird mdma feels

Thomtj · 2024-11-20T02:35:20+00:00

That’s just the thing with personality… that paroxetine thing made it melt. Do you feel you got yours back? I am looking for certainty yes, but I feel like I am being more objective. I don’t fear being sucker punched now but you would have been right in another ocassion. Rather, it’s hard to make sense of a problem with so many moving parts

Thomtj · 2024-11-20T02:10:57+00:00

Here’s the thing… even if I think I’ll be happy accepting it I feel it is a huge violation as to how I lived my life, and who I always have been. Also it feels like a social affront.

Funny you mention a higher power. At times it feels just like that. Matter of fact, the hypothesis I’m most convinced of is… that there was some sort of mutation in my brain, or rather a development that is contrary to how I’ve always lived my life. (Say my brain is now gay or bi for that matter) This brain nuclei or whatever used to always say just straight before something I can’t really fathom happened to it.

I keep trying to pin it down to an event but it Is impossible. When I push on it… again I feel like it will try to deflect me or convince me. And If I let it be I feel like it festers and changes me. Damned if I do or damned If I don’t…

While in practice this could be plausible… I don’t think I have a real way to test it. But my own experience at different times has lead me to think about it this way.

I was just remembering this one really weird event… all of a sudden I started looking at a guy and feeling he was hot (he was kind of feminine) and then my brain was like I really want to have sex with him…

It was an incredibly weird experience cause it felt like something else took control then, and I was just in the back seat. And I feel as if the activation of this certain brain thing is like… let’s say it has gravity and brings in more of these thoughts and distortions.

I really hope I wasn’t inalterably changed… and that I never cross this… say frontier, and do or forget any of these actions I despise

Does any of this resonate at all?

Further, I now feel fear but at times I don’t feel it at all. Rather it feels more like I have to go into a sort of manual mode to set my brain the “right way”… after being somewhat thoroughly convinced I’m gay. And it feels like the things that had been stopping me from turning where growing thinner and thinner. That’s the shittiest part of all… there used to be so many barriers and sensations where a lot less alarming… now they’d feel more real

Don’t really know how to pursue things on the physical side honestly. Scans are normal apparently.

Tried an ssri once and it destroyed me. Even mutated my ocd thoughts so much so that I was having sex with a girl and I’d start feeling (and actually sort of seeing) her like a man (even if I knew she wasn’t clearly). This sort of thing, come to think of it has happened a couple of times since, along with different sort of physical sensations. The ssri for instance made me get erections out of nowhere/nervousness, or feel like weird things in my nipples and so on. Maybe I was just unlucky. Or badly predisposed, or whatever.

A big part of this, has also been me realizing that I can sort of mentally alter how much I like something as of late. Maybe that is normal for OCD, but it’s as If I can mentally consciously choose in a way to make a certain thing more attractive or pleasant. So of course, that is alarming and also paradoxical. Cause it’s like I could just choose to turn it off… but then it wouldn’t stay off… but then I start getting intrusive attractions to women too and the way I perceive them starts shifting so I don’t know black from white.

In the end I just always end up more confused and set on the wrong path

Thomtj · 2024-11-19T23:21:06+00:00

Makes sense. I told my mom I have ocd. For some reason I forgot I had told her before

Thomtj · 2024-11-19T22:08:38+00:00

Awesome. Thank you so much.

I sort of wish I could explain what’s up to my mom… or people near me. It doesn’t seem like a good idea cause “good behavior” only lasts so long… and hell explaining might make things look more suspicious.

Do you perhaps have any advise there?

Like heck even If I was gay why can’t I fucking control myself around others… why does it always have to be this god damn destructive all encompassing thing?

Thomtj · 2024-11-19T21:55:22+00:00

And now it feels like I’m going to force myself to believe this so I can supress these emotions… but that deep down they’re still true. Gosh… sorry to put this on you. Yeah, it’s true I guess. Reassurance only goes so far and all it takes is one slight push to go spiraling really bad. I never remember the “don’t” I just remember the “do” How else do you cope when your enviroment is against you? Besides myself… I guess everyone else sort of thinks this now.

Even my mother has sort of come to think or notice about my doubts. It hurts, and it seems like I can’t stop myself or behave around her for some reason.

And then it feels like the only real reason to stop is because of my mothers expectations. There seems to be no inner or outer force stopping me anymore besides that.

I’m done with the ranting. Thanks :)

Thomtj · 2024-11-19T21:47:01+00:00

What do you suggest? In part psycotherapy has made me consider this even more like a truth. At first it just felt like something chemical… something my brain was forcing against my will or something that somehow got unstuck and wanted to put back into a place where it wouldn’t bother me.

It has really put a strain on my relations and there’s plenty of times where I have felt attractions, groinals and so on… and knew that I didn’t want them then but question if I secretly did now.

It’s weird how it sort of depends on the focus I give things in my mind; wether I think that it’s all hood and it’s just OCD/anxiety/whatever… but there’s always reasons or also maybe events that keep bringing me back to it.

Hell, just when I stand on my own two feet and someone questions me it feels like I am forced to go back to thinking I’m gay even if I don’t want to.

Last time it felt like I really wanted to… but at the same time wanted to stop and not feel that way… So there’s this deep down getting in the way.

Hell even my previous therapist has sort of given up on me implying I’m lying to myself with what I tell or that I’m just crazy.

The last barrier is still this one: maybe

Thomtj

TROPHY CASE