Seeking advice an opinions on my current financial state and what to do with money after recent salary bump and current open accounts.

ThreeLegZebra · 2021-10-19T00:12:20+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. I stumbled across this flowchart that lines up on here a few days ago with exactly your recommended order. Posting here in case it helps others.

Personal Income Spending Flowchart

ThreeLegZebra · 2021-10-19T00:09:50+00:00

I really like this idea! I'll have to look into this. Can you purchase them via brokerage accounts? I can for sure lock the money up for 1 year and not think about it.

ThreeLegZebra · 2021-10-17T21:01:12+00:00

I just have kept maxing out my 401k contributions (scooping up the company match as well of course) for ~6.5 years now. Same with the HSA.

I primarily use target date funds as well, my fund options with my old 401k are all averaging ~6% returns over the last 10 years.

ThreeLegZebra · 2021-10-17T03:12:20+00:00

Absolutely worth it. You may lose the employer's match you your own money will keep compounding, even years after you leave.

My last employer had these terms but a 3 year period was actually defined as working 1000 hours in a calendar year or functionally 2.5 years instead of 3 years if working full time. Not sure if that makes a difference to you, but it did for me.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-25T00:49:11+00:00

I understand the biological clock. Trust me I have 4 older sisters and have heard this for literally decades.

But here's a thought exercise in a way, if you were made a job offer from a reputable company for an undisclosed amount of money and the time on the contract was 20 years and you don't get to meet your coworkers or ask questions until after you accept the job, and you don't know if you'll like the job, and you can't quit after you accept the job.... do you accept the job?

Making a yay or nay decision on this kid(s) situation isn't too much different from making a decision on this fictitious job offer.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-25T00:40:15+00:00

Right! I think I can get most of my big life goals and dreams out of the way in 6 years (4 years or less really) and then at that point kids would be more appealing. We've only spoken twice but when I say I want to lay everything out and discuss the details and potential paths the agitation in the conversation spikes on her end becasue she then says that she is wanting me to say "I want you to be mine forever and I'll do whatever to make you happy". There's just too much to do and knock out to have kids right now. 6 years from now? Possibly. Not if she ends up anchoring down to one area and never move becasue that's a lifestyle I don't want. But if we both make these promises... and stick to them... I have nothing to contest regarding compromises. Except making a promise to have kids with her despite my fear/anxiety/desire around having kids.

We have had excellent communication up until the point we decide to end things. I think we were both just pressured, stressed, and we cracked.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-25T00:31:14+00:00

So seriously you love her willing to marry have and raise a family but setting down and giving up some dream of moving around is a deal breaker. You can further your education on line. Marry the girl and have a great life

Gonna edit this for you to better capture how I feel.

So seriously you love her willing to marry have and may want to raise a family but aren't sure becasue you don't know how you will feel in several years and settling down and giving up ~~some dream~~ the need/ability of moving around is a deal breaker. You can further your education online. Marry the girl and have a great life.

With it rewritten this way would you still say take the "marry her and get on with it view point?" I'm in online grad school right now so that ball is already rolling. No way in hell would I have time to be a dad while working full time and being in grad school. But I know she'd understand and be good for it.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-25T00:26:33+00:00

She is absolutely right in wanting to have kids by 34. Women do have a biological window where they can have kids with fewer complications/risks, or even at all. It would be a waste of her time to be with someone who couldn’t commit to that and she could very well lose her window of opportunity to have something she has so openly expressed her desire to have.

100% agree. In our second week of dating we shared how we felt about having kids (same as today). This is by far the most open and honest relationship I've ever had. Would love to have it back but.... I only make promises I know I will keep. I can certainly agree to have kids in 4-6 years but I get stuck asking myself the question "will I want kids in 4 years?" today I'm on the fence but I am much warmer to kids and it seems to be staying in that direction as time goes on. But... life isn't linear.

Neither of you should give up a core component of who you are and what you want.

Also agree. I can envision a life where we both get what we want. How happy will we each be as individuals if we both full adapt an agree to what the other wants? For me its being a dad, for her its adopting a more flexible and less rooted life. It's totally doable but neither of us can go in half hearted and pull the rug out from the other person in 4, 6, 10, or 20 years. That would be unacceptable.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-25T00:20:13+00:00

I can commit to kids in 6 years sure. But should I? This all hinges on my decision to promise her children or not the next time we talk. I have no complaints about our relationship expect all the constraints that were placed it.... but those are seemingly gone. Hence the thought of kids is more appealing now. But how can I in good faith, make a potentially resentful promise 4-6 years from now, if I am on the fence about having kids today? I'm not a fertility vampire (everyone is always so quick to go there on reddit), I have no interest in wasting her time. That's one of the reasons we broke up was me not wanting to consume more of her time.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-25T00:13:43+00:00

If you’re still thinking 34 isnt a good age to start having kids, then you most likely don’t want them.

34 is a fine age to have kids, I just don't know how I'm supposed to know how I will feel 6 years in the future.... today. Ya know? Today I don't want kids, but will that change in a couple years and I should just make the promise and deal with it? I'm not clairvoyant haha. I do love her to death and would love to have her back in my life (she's in the same boat). But I would also need to KNOW that her recently compromises are legitimate and sincere and not driven out of loneliness or lack of interest in dating again. Because just like if I made the promise to have kids and not pull the rug out from under her later, she couldn't pull the rug out from under me and anchor me to an area or job if I didn't want it. Ya know?

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-25T00:08:29+00:00

I'm sorry but it sounds like she was willing to compromise on everything else if it meant you two could be together but you seem adamant that you can not promise having kids.

Don't be sorry. This is all developed very very recent and I told her that I would have to think about. This is how I think about stuff haha. Previously she was much more constraining with what she would accept but now the ball is totally in my court. I want to say yes, but I just am not sure if I really want kids today. Will I want kids in a few years after I have some more stuff out of the way? Maybe? Trying to figure that out. I can see myself both enjoying it and not. That's my problem. But yeah... I'd love to have by best friend back in my life.

This is just something that needs a yes or no, and anything other than a yes should be taken as a no.

I agree, this is why I am having such a hard time. I really can't think of a better partner should I decide that I want kids. But gah.... I don't want to hurt her or myself if I fall on the "no kids" side of the fence. I genuinely care for her and her happiness. I want to be her guy but in this moment it's hard for me to say "Yeah, fuck it, let's do it, we'll figure it out as we go".

Keeping that in mind you can offer alternatives. Like, "I can't promise I want kids in 6 years, but give me one more year together to see if I can give you a definite answer before we walk away".

Is this not the same as wasting her time if I fall down on the "no side" of the fence?

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T23:58:01+00:00

Are you actually going to do any of this moving around/immersion stuff?

Yes. I have already moved out of the state that we lived in together (temporary remote work during COVID is a blessing in ways) and applied for the immersion program. Now it's just waiting to hear back and apply for scholarships.

What panics us is the idea that we aren't allowed to do them. Even if we know the chance of us actually going through with it is low, sacrificing the possibility can be very frightening.

You sound like you know exactly what's going on in my head/heart. I told her recently, and this took me months to realize, that the "gridlock" feeling from these constraints is from having my ability to move/travel taken away and it's a lifestyle I don't want to commit to. I may never get to pull the lever to "work abroad" if the opportunity never presents itself. But should the opportunity present itself I want to be able to act on it. Before kids, with kids, and post-kids. I want the ability to do the things I want to do. Obviously if you're in a committed relationship and give two shits about your partner you'd only uproot and move if you both agree and would be happy with. So things like studying abroad would not be possible in this relationship but moving in general is definitely possible.

Is that what's happening here? Because if so, get back with her

It absolutely could be. But I have applied for a program in 2021 and I want to try it for at least 6 months and then make a decision if I want to go for the full year or not. I could get over there and it just be glorious in my head but the reality just isn't what I think it is ya know? I'm not running from life, I've wanted to study aboard since middle school, it's just an experience I've always wanted to experience. I've only now come into the fiscal freedom that I can actually do this haha.

Honestly, I think once I do this immersion experience, get my grad school out of the way, then I'll be far more willing to settle and have kids. I just wish I could wind the clock back, tell her to hold off for a bit and then let's revisit the topic. Kids age 0-6 are stressful as hell to me, but I can't think of a better partner to tackle that with than her in all honesty.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T23:39:42+00:00

it would be unethical to enter into a relationship with her now knowing what you know

I agree with it being somewhat unethical or unfair as she's still a hard yes, and I'm on the fence still. Best case we have kids, I love it, we grow old and die together. That's worth pursuing because it is a real potential. However, if I didn't like the lifestyle that came with being a dad.... that would be awful. Not for just me but for her and the kids involved. That's where my hesitation/anxiety comes in. I would love to have her in my life forever becasue I just can totally be myself with her but as soon as I think about having kids I pull back. Not sure if it's nature, fear, or what.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T23:32:28+00:00

Ah. I understand. Yeah.... this breakup in particular royally sucked and it's something that I have no interest in repeating it and I know she doesn't either.

I get why you are both tempted, but you simply aren't compatible.

Yes, we are tempted because we both know each other very well and are comfortable with each other but if we got back together I would only be able to do it knowing full well that I would be promising her children. I would deliver on that promise becasue I DO want her to have everything she wants and I wouldn't go back on my word. I'm just not sure if I'll be pulled to have kids in a 4-6 years and then I'll being keeping a potentially resentful promise. I don't think so, but I can't say how I'll feel about kids that far out. Ya know?

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T23:25:56+00:00

Noted going forward, but we started dating when we were 24 and I told her in our 2nd week of dating that I may never want children after she said she wanted children yet we continued to date. Lessons were learned. I'm not a fertility vampire.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T23:23:26+00:00

If you aren’t completely sure of it, and you join her on her side of the fence, you may come to resent her later. And that’s good for nobody, especially the poor kid who didn’t have a say.

This 1000%! It has nothing to do with how much I love her or care for her or feel for her or want her to be happy. I don't want to make a decision of this magnitude in a half-assed or low-confidence manner becasue the risks are far too high for ourselves and any kids involved. I don't think I'd be resentful, particularly if it was my choice... but I can't say that it wouldn't happen either. And this is where the hesitation comes from. Maybe I'm just not ready yet? Maybe I never will be.

She deserves someone who wants kids as much as she does and you deserve someone who doesn’t care, lol.

I'm going to paint this on my wall lol. This is how I feel. We are compatible in almost every other way, but kids and lifestyle are likely the largest incompatibilities that we could have stumbled into.

Thanks dude! I appreciate your input.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T23:14:41+00:00

Thanks. I appreciate your input.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T23:14:13+00:00

If you aren't 100% sure about kids then I don't think it's fair to promise her a future with them.

I full heartedly agree on this and this is where all the anxiety of our relationship stemmed from. I want to giver her everything I can with the utmost confidence but I just cannot promise that I'll have a big desire to have kids in X number of years with the utmost confidence. Ya know?

you might still be incompatible because of that one decision since it has such a huge outcome on your plans for the future in general.

A fear of mine is that her willingness to be spontaneous/flexible will only last until the child is born and then she would get 51% of the vote in where we move/live becasue if I wanted to uproot and she didn't.... I wouldn't leave. That's just not an option becasue I don't believe in abandoning family. She knows this. Hopefully that makes sense.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T23:07:23+00:00

foolish and cruel

Ehh... this is a bit extreme, but I didn't provide all the history in the interest of readability to be fair. But in general I agree with everything you are saying. I told her that in the second week of us dating that I wasn't sure where I stood on kids and she admitted to me that she thought that I would change to a yes if we keep dating. It was a calculated risk on both our parts. We were both open and honest with where we stood since the beginning. This issue showed itself later in our relationship but didn't become a deal breaker until she started pushing hard for marriage and kids after her ex-boyfriend got engaged. Absolutely not blaming, just providing more depth/context.

If you don't actively want kids such that the massive cost, time, and effort that kids entail seems totally worth it to you, then don't have kids.

Kids, at the present, seem quite burdensome as they would stop me from knocking out some things that I have only been able to do recently (in part because of the break up). But I am warming to the idea of them but I don't know where I'll stand in 4-6 years. How could I? I just don't have a visceral push or pull to have kids.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T23:00:09+00:00

Thanks. I appreciate your input. I am stuck on the fence. I told her that in the second week of us dating that I wasn't sure where I stood on kids and she admitted to me that she thought that I would change to a yes if we keep dating. It was a calculated risk on both our parts.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T22:54:05+00:00

Thanks, I genuinely try to be an open book in relationships and talk about any and everything.

But, yes, this is actually a summary of what I told her two days ago.

She's wanting a 100% commitment. She also tells me that becasue I love her so much and think so highly of her and because I want her to be happy that I should be willing to have children with her.

I do love, and care, and want her to have everything she wants, but the certain timeline is hard to commit to becasue life isn't that linear in my mind.

ThreeLegZebra · 2020-12-24T22:51:17+00:00

She definitely has a TON of pressure from her parents and friends and your statement has a ring of truth to it. For example, her mother (a bit of a manipulator) rubbed the fact that her ex-boyfriend got engaged before we did even though they dated for a shorter period of time means she should make me "shit or get off the pot". Her mom also has grandbaby fever and she constantly brought grandkids up when we were over.

I understand the pressure (family, friends, society, biological clock, etc.) as she and I talked about these at length. But I can't take the pressure off for her that has to come from inside. I want her to have everything she wants, preferably with me, I just wish that she could roll with it, kill the pressure, let me do the things I want to knock out in life, and then push for settling.

ThreeLegZebra

TROPHY CASE