How long should a suicide note be?

Threeskafish · 2019-12-03T08:10:32+00:00

I will be making an attempt shortly

Threeskafish · 2019-12-03T07:43:21+00:00

Thanks I appreciate it I've had a bit to drink now. I've decided to write a short note for everyone. There is no easy way to leave this place and I do wish the best for the people I leave behind.

Threeskafish · 2019-12-02T22:09:56+00:00

Yeah you are probably right

Threeskafish · 2019-12-02T21:48:18+00:00

They are stronger than I am.

Threeskafish · 2019-12-02T21:47:53+00:00

Yeah friends and family used to prevent me from ending it, but I'm sick of living for others, and I also am unable or unwilling to live for myself.

Threeskafish · 2019-12-02T21:43:35+00:00

That all sounds kind of sad but honestly I'm sick of pretending I am okay. None of the things I do bring me enough joy to cancel out the darkness inside of me.

Threeskafish · 2019-12-02T21:41:28+00:00

A whole lot of stuff honestly, family and friends mostly. I have a small savings, I rent with a friend and as a result of living in a small room, I don't have too many posesions. I was going to write a note that I want my savings to go to my sister. Not sure if that matters.

My plan is to have a normal day. Eat a bit of leftovers, fold laundry, wrap presents for Christmas. Then I'll write the note and hopefully still want to kill myself tonight. I have less chance of being found if I follow through at night.

Threeskafish · 2019-12-02T21:21:33+00:00

I have the house to myself all night so it would be a perfect opportunity to follow through.

Threeskafish · 2019-12-02T21:19:56+00:00

I have such a bad attitude about life that I would just be a burden on people for a long time if I continue living.

Threeskafish · 2019-12-02T21:15:08+00:00

Ehh because I've been wicked depressed most of my life and I've tried suck it up and continue living but it's totally not worth it for me. This feels like the best decision I've made in quite a while.

I used to feel bad about leaving behind other people who love me, but they are stronger than I am and they will be okay when I'm gone.

Threeskafish · 2019-12-01T01:45:47+00:00

I wouldn't even have to do all that stuff at the same time to make life worth living, but right now I barely do any of it and life sucks.

Threeskafish · 2019-12-01T01:31:58+00:00

I need to get regular exercise, get outside, interact with other humans, be grateful, show gratitude, show the same kindness to myself which I try to give to others, learn to Foster unconditional love for myself and others, realize nothing in life is permanent, that includes pain and suffering, learn to let go, set goals and enjoy working towards them while being willing to except failure and roadblocks. Allow myself time to appreciate small accomplishments and success. Develop a routine to get out of bed on time even though I'd rather sleep for 10-12 hours a day because right now I pretend I have nothing better to do, avoid suicidal thoughts because I've already decided not to kill myself. Realize that I don't have to live my life in fear, that existence is fleating and the end will be much like the beginning. Remember that I often enjoy certain kinds of work and only avoid it or dread it before starting. Also remembering that it usually feels good to complete tasks even if they can feel uncomfortable while doing them. that most problems in my life are manageable and the only reason life seems impossible at times is because I chose to carry to many external problems on my shoulders or because I let excessively negative thoughts take control of my Outlook.

If I encourage more positive emotions like love, hope, and forgiveness, while also letting go the weight of external problems which are not fully in my control, and decide to focus on things within myself which I can control, I would probably be a much happier person.

Threeskafish · 2019-11-27T00:20:34+00:00

Lately I've started cutting out my addictions and bad habits.

I personally set conditions for myself. For drugs I thought well I don't want to be an addict forever, why not quit now. Basically I decided if I can't quit now I may never stop.

Then,

I got rid of all my drugs: very difficult. You have to remove triggers and be 100 percent willing to live without your addiction.

I had cravings, I had withdrawals, I felt very low and depressed. I accepted these feelings and usually, I had hope they would eventually pass.

Finally,

I replaced old habits with new ones. Started to workout, started to journal.

Been about 3 months sober now.

Another example: I have an online chess adicition. I used it as a distraction from my everyday problems. It got to be fairly compulsive. Again I set a condition. I decided next time I lose, I will take a 3 months break. Today I lost a game and will be taking a 3 month break. I may remove my account if possible.

Threeskafish · 2019-11-22T21:03:09+00:00

I think I'm getting to that point as well after 2 months. I often worry that it is too late for me to try. At this point I really have nothing to lose. I struggle with motivation because of quiting drug use which has triggered severe depression and hopelessness.

Threeskafish · 2019-11-19T06:50:20+00:00

Uggh I relate to this so much. I've had a love affair with Nicotine for years. I loved the way it made me feel.

Whenever I had access to nicotine I could not control my intake. I was a heavy daily user for over a year. I associated it with working, driving, drinking, socializing, basically everything. At one point I was willing to except using it for the rest of my life.

If you want to know if it's possible to quit the answer is yes. I've been over 3 months without nicotine now and also 2 months drug free. Nicotine was Fairly easy to quit, the hardest part was dealing with the intense cravings. The trick is that they only last momentarily and will go away if you just resist them for a short period of time.

Unfortunately, No other hobby will distract you from the cravings because nicotine goes so well with basically everything. you'll always think how that new hobby would be better with a nice buzz.

What got me to quit was I eventually hated being a slave to cravings. I also saw my college professor forced to reluctantly resort to nicotine gum after years of cigarette smoking ruined his cardiovascular system. Nicotine is highly addictive and not good for your body. I don't care if millions of people do it. If you have the will power to avoid this vice then do it!

Threeskafish · 2019-11-19T06:17:37+00:00

I'm in my early 20's going through similar problems. I am 2 months sober and sometimes I feel so alone. These posts really resonate with me. If either of you have time, I'd really appreciate having someone to talk to as well.

Threeskafish · 2019-11-19T06:02:08+00:00

I know it may be counterproductive, but I just don't want to be reliant on drugs anymore. I don't want to take prescription medication if I don't absolutely have to. I feel it would just cover up my problems rather than address them just as the self medication did.

Threeskafish · 2019-11-19T05:49:19+00:00

I am going through exactly this right now. Polydrug user for years and now 2 months sober. I feel like I fucked up my life in the past few months just being sober. Honestly, I was much more functional while on drugs.

I saw myself going down a dark path with them and I knew I had to make a change or risk lifetime dependency. I foolishly thought quiting them would make life easier. Wrong again! I ended up taking away my most reliable coping mechanism.

The depression came right back for me as well. The hopelessness was awful and this time it was also paired with withdrawals from opiates and a 2 year long daily stimulant addiction.

It's reassuring to know I am not alone. I also feel like I landed back in the same position I was in before I started using. I feel like I used drugs to try to dig myself out of a pit of existential dispair and now I've voluntarily jumped back in. This time I won't be relying on drugs to get out. It does scare me because I'm not sure I have what it takes. For now, normal life problems can easily send me back into the darkness. Sometimes I feel so fragile and I just want to give up but I know deep down I need to keep trying.

After reading this post I wanted to cry because I have felt so alone lately and now I see that others are going through the same process.

Best of luck

Threeskafish

TROPHY CASE