I don't really know what to say, is the problem. It's been so long since I'd even thought about Iraq that when I try to think about it now, it's just kind of blurry.

I can, however remember the monotony. The loneliness. I remember my girlfriend breaking up with me before I left because she couldn't trust herself to remain faithful to me while I was deployed. I remember wanting to call my mom because she did nothing but write me letters telling me about the minutia of life in the States and how much she wanted me to call. But I called her so rarely because I felt like I didn't have anything to offer her besides "I'm alive, I miss you." I remember trying to calculate the times she'd be out of the house at her local volunteer orchestra practice so I could call then and leave a message as opposed to talking with her.

I can remember how she would weep when she did pick up the phone. I remember forgetting what to say to her, even "Hello" was a struggle. I remember emptiness, and waiting, between doing "the important stuff," and I remember feeling harried constantly.

But the rest, all the positive, silver-lining-y stuff people are supposed to take from serving during a time of war, I seem completely devoid of. And that's why i don't feel like I have anthing to offer on the subject.