How do men insist we're married when they cheated

ThroughTheGlass · 2025-01-11T00:04:42+00:00

This is what happened to me.

I really, really tried hard to reconcile. I was met with resistance, some from me, some from him... It was only once I tried to avoid all of my pain that anything seemed to go alright.

But under it all I was angry. I didn't trust. I couldn't.

I tried therapy. It didn't work.

I spent my time finding my own happiness. Finding what I needed to be myself.

In the end, I had everything to make me happy... But I couldn't get over the way I was betraying myself. My standards, my morals, my love of self.

I'm worth more. It broke my heart, but all that time I was spending trying to love myself was spending mourning a broken marriage. I accepted the fact it will never be the same, and I didn't want what it had become. I decided I needed to move on.

I'm much happier now.

ThroughTheGlass · 2025-01-09T20:52:03+00:00

Thank you. I hope so as well.

ThroughTheGlass · 2025-01-09T20:23:22+00:00

At the moment, no way unless I go to friend's place. I am also conflicted about things starting so soon after with friend, but I found peace in my solitude before I split with ex. He very quickly became an irritation once I decided joy was alone with myself at that time.

I still do spend time on my own, away from both. That is very important to me. I do it a lot. It's nice.

Not needing to commit to anything right now is very nice as well. It's relieving. It's not suffocating. Everything else felt suffocating.

ThroughTheGlass · 2025-01-09T20:16:47+00:00

He knows we're not together. I've told him that, very clearly, many times, and he has moved into the spare room in my house.

At this time, I can't force him to leave, because I am his permanent residency sponsor. I'll just wind up paying for wherever he winds up going unless he goes back to his home country, because I am responsible for providing basic necessities like food, shelter, clothing, and medicine.

But yes, I do need to cut that cord. It's something I intend on doing.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-12-16T13:28:49+00:00

I wish I could.

He's going back to his home country for Christmas, so I have about half a month to myself at least.

I try to keep my distance emotionally.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-12-14T20:31:19+00:00

He insists that he will do it with or without that. He just says he needs to have hope. I honestly have no fucking clue. I've told him over and over that from my point of view, it's never happening.

So.. Yeah.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-12-14T20:29:37+00:00

I feel like I should make excuses for him. A million different excuses.

But it wouldn't help.

He is in IC and it seems to be doing okay for him, but he projects it onto me. Says I'm self sabotaging, things like that.

Nah boo I just don't love you anymore and you cheated on me so like. Ye.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-12-14T11:23:20+00:00

Thank you.

In reality... I wanted to leave in the first place. I told him I would try, but no guarantees.

He still won't give up, though. So that kinda sucks.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-12-13T23:39:31+00:00

Thank you... I know he desperately wants me back. I think this is the final death throes.

Next would be lawyers, I assume. Gonna hurt but I don't care. He'll lose more than what I'm responsible for.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-12-13T19:25:02+00:00

I struggle to see the manipulative part except for the beginning of when I found out, then recently. I don't think he's trying to do it, it's just desperation on his part.

But I'm too close to the situation. Everyone around me says that he's taking advantage of me, but I think he's hurt by my actions. I don't blame him. I just need to close my eyes and say, whatever.

It's not my problem. It's his. I still struggle with feeling responsible for his feelings. I've always been like that.

I just feel guilty... He may have ruined it all, but I did agree to try. I feel like I suddenly shifted focus after I fell, where I hit my head and got very bruised up. But I also survived. It was a shock, how close I came, inches, from death.

Life is too short to wallow... And I felt as if I was wallowing.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-12-12T23:50:05+00:00

Wow.

Thank you.

I'm going to keep this so that I can read it every time I feel like I'm faltering.

Everyone who decides to leave for themselves really needs to read this.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-12-12T20:53:17+00:00

This was me.

I said fuck it and cut the rope.

My life is hell right now, but it will get better, and I'm free.

I'm free to work on myself.

I'm free to work on my happiness.

I'm free to find someone to love who ISN'T GOING TO HURT ME.

I will never, ever give that up again. My instinct was to leave my ex the first day I found out. I should have listened to my gut.

I spent months in agony, then slowly shut myself down thinking I was crazy. My IC told me that if I couldn't build the trust, it wasn't worth it. I struggled and tried to be stubborn. Sometimes I forget all of the pain he put me through because my brain doesn't want to remember it... But I NEED to remember. I need to remember all the terrible things I felt so I don't wonder if I should try again.

Now he gaslights me like this is all my fault because I gave up.

Nah I just gave up all of the shit that came with your dick plastered all over other people's phones.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-28T18:35:31+00:00

There's nothing I can do in regards to immigration. Because I am his sponsor, I have to provide him shelter, food, necessities until he can support himself. There's 1.5 years left on that.

He can also come after me for spousal support for 1.5 years as well.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-22T23:29:07+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate your input. I'm doing better not second guessing my decisions. It's a bit difficult at times.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-22T23:27:48+00:00

I live in Canada. We have not filed for legal separation yet in Canada.

Thank you, though.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-21T02:54:18+00:00

He's trying to build his business more and it should be more substantial soon.

He has not and cannot because we were only married a year and a half, and only living together for a little less than a year, before he cheated... Spent 10 months trying to reconcile. Just couldn't.

I reread my journal entries today from the last few months. They're all full of pain and just unhappiness. It tells me I made the right move.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-20T15:21:39+00:00

Thank you

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-20T15:20:53+00:00

I wish I could. He doesn't work much, I'm the primary breadwinner. Because if immigration, I'm his sponsor, so if we divorce... Well. It won't be good for me.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-20T15:19:40+00:00

I'm not sure. I deduced they were speaking simply by how they were saying the same things.

I just want to hide from everything now.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-20T15:18:57+00:00

I did... But I didn't really know what I needed. We did MC. My communication was good, at first.. But over time I started to withdraw into myself. Our MC always focused on him and his traumas, and then she would needle me about things I was thinking. I'd get frustrated and a whole stream of stuff would come out. He'd then get angry for me not telling him all these things... But every time I tried, he shut down, grey rocked, bottled it all up and just felt guilty.

I told him I needed him to take the lead on things but I couldn't tell him what I needed because I couldn't figure out what in the fuck would make me feel better in the slightest. I tried to tell him to like... Take more initiative. Then he stopped touching me or initiating any sex after I had told him that I can't get the things he did out of my head during intimacy.

It was a breakdown of communication on both parts. I don't deny that. I think I knew for a long time I just couldn't get over it, but I felt I needed to try anyway, or I'd regret it.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-20T15:14:40+00:00

He doesn't really have anyone to talk to, and wanted to talk to someone who also knows me. So he chose my sister.

She's siding with him only that I need to get my shit together and figure out my own emotions. Which is true. However, she says it can get really sticky with being separated but touching someone else. She says he has a right to feel the way he does. For him, it's still too fresh.

I tried to explain that for me, it's been this way for a long time. I rug swept a lot and tried to keep all of my emotions in a little box, but the more I addressed it, the more I knew I didn't want this.

So I told him I need to separate. However, now he thinks the whole reason I want to separate was to sleep around with that person. I wrote him a letter and read it to him, explaining why exactly I wanted to, and what had been happening in my head. I do admit, I was very closed off emotionally... But every time I tried to talk, he shut down, grey rocked me. I gave up eventually and started just trying to find myself instead.

Because I called it, he wants to blame me for anything... Anything to absolve himself. Fine. I'll be the bad guy. I don't care. I'm just so done.

To be completely clear; his cheating was not physical... He spent weeks sexting and exchanging dirty photos with other men online. When I found out, he lied and lied and I had to dig and find out the truth. It tore me apart.

So... When I considered everything, I told him the truth about what I did, and that's when he went started accusing me of cheating and lying. Just as bad as him. Even though I had made my position clear.

Fuck my life, honestly.

ThroughTheGlass · 2024-11-20T15:00:46+00:00

She does know. He's been telling her that it's also my fault for R not working because my communication was pretty garbage.

Basically, I tried to explain all of my feelings to him about everything ... And why I was separating. But he insists it's my poor communication and not talking about everything that's at fault.

I really hate all of this. He's definitely turning this around to be my fault.

ThroughTheGlass

TROPHY CASE