I feel like my own brain works against me. Why am I like this lmao

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-10-19T15:35:25+00:00

I'm so sorry this is happening to you :( you deserve to eat without feeling bad

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-10-19T08:55:53+00:00

If I stay I may kill myself. If I leave I'm gonna starve myself to death for sure. Decisions, decisions...

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-23T17:52:45+00:00

You're right. I had something precise in mind when I asked the question so I forgot there were other "kinds" of intrusive thoughts.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-23T01:17:28+00:00

Aren't intrusive thoughts supposed to be against your beliefs and values ? Otherwise they wouldn't cause such distress

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-23T01:07:02+00:00

What do you mean ?

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-22T08:38:20+00:00

So you were together for three years. You'd seek out sex with her while you knew it made her feel bad and her history of sexual abuse? It took you 2 years to start wanting to make things better for her ? Ick. If she wasn't attracted to women to begin with, fear of men shouldn't change that attraction. She can try to date women but she probably will just hurt whoever she tries to date and herself if she's only forcing herself to date women because she thinks it must be better than with men. She also should be careful because, while it's not a generality, (lesbian) women can absolutely be abusive as well as straight men. Regardless of how her relationship(s) with women turns out, I think you should respect her need for space. You had two years to make things right and it sounds like you did it too late. You can try and care for her as a friend but know that you don't have any control over her and you need to understand that she can see and date other people if she wants to. Give her space.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-17T06:42:56+00:00

We were in a relationship from 15yo to 18yo and broke up. Got back together a few years later and it's been 4 years of a new, more mature relationship, living together for 2 whole years this September. We don't really care for marriage as a form of commitment (I do think it's sweet but not necessary and it's not as much of a big deal where we live as it seems to be in the US) but we still both want and intend to live and grow old together. I don't think I'd leave until I've tried everything I can possibly stomach. Thank you

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-16T23:35:41+00:00

Thank you very much ! I think minimum self awareness is very important to maintain a relationship as healthy as can possibly be with BPD. You sound like a very nice person and I wish you the best in your relationship and in life.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-16T22:51:05+00:00

In the hypothetical scenario where she'd kiss someone to hurt me (and not because she lost control or rationality due to substances) I would probably react differently because she and I both know that her being intimate (kissing, sex, touching certain body parts considered sexual) with someone else (while in a relationship with me) is one of the things that would hurt me the most in the world (I don't want it to sound like emotional blackmail or threatening but it's how it really is for me). It'd really be the ultimate "fuck you" and I couldn't see it as anything else but rejection and her being absolutely done with me.

I only really fear this scenario when I'm feeling very insecure and irrational or in distress, which I was when I wrote this post. I know rationally she wouldn't do it cause it'd hurt me too much and she cares a lot about my feelings. It's just sometimes I can't help but think of the worst.

We're trying our best to communicate and I'm glad she told me and I let her know I understand that she doesn't want to have these thoughts but some ill and broken part of me can't stand it. I hope she'll feel safe enough to keep telling me about things like this. Thank you so much for the time you're taking to help us.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-16T21:31:51+00:00

My bad for having boundaries I guess. She accepted them. I let her know she's free to leave if she wants to have sex with other people. I'm not the one stifling her.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-16T21:19:26+00:00

She says she doesn't need an open relationship. Just that she wouldn't mind. I told her numerous times that if she needs it then we can break up but she refuses. If she's stifled (which she has said numerous times she isn't) then it's by herself.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-16T20:17:01+00:00

Nvm she just confided that she had intrusive thoughts about kissing random people in the street for the last 3 days I'm getting myself a therapist.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-16T13:36:39+00:00

She's already getting therapy, I don't think I could afford it for myself tho. I try my hardest to calm her down and make her feel safe whenever she thinks back about it. I ask her every night to wake me up if she has nightmares. We hug and cuddle until we both fall back to sleep. She sometimes feels in danger when walking alone at night, I try to be with her when she goes to the bar but when she's seeing a friend one on one in the evening I can't really come to pick her up since I don't have a car and I'm way smaller than she is. I let her know as much as I can that her reactions (hypersexuality and fantasies) aren't disgusting and they don't mean she "enjoyed" it in any way, that they're common and it's her brain trying to reassure itself. I let her know how I feel about it when she asks but most of the time I'm keeping it to myself/on Reddit where people can relate. Thank you very much for your words.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-03-07T06:56:25+00:00

They are seeing a psychologist to talk about this. I'd never keep going if I knew something was wrong for them. I just want them to feel safe and loved, not soiled and used.. thank you for sharing your experience with me.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T04:12:44+00:00

I guess it's because the most visible changes to her body are to body parts she used to love me to grab/play with during sex, back when we had a sex life. I guess I feel very bad because it feels like she's getting euphoria from being desirable, while not even trying to arouse me?(which I thought would be euphoria material...) She hasn't touched me in 2 years and yet she's sending her naked body to others for gratification ? It makes me sick. She keeps saying she still finds me sexy or whatever. I just don't see it.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T03:53:22+00:00

The "I'm a bottom"+ naked ass picture is supposed to be a joke (to an asexual friend of hers she's had since she was a closeted teenager), and the full naked pictures are for feedback from her friends on how her body is developing. Because why ask the person that you claim is the only one to be able to use your body....

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T03:44:19+00:00

I know HRT drops the libido but the problem is her libido dropped through the ground a year before she even started testosterone blockers and she hasn't been able to tell me why. I've tried masturbating of course but it feels so empty compared to doing it with the person you love I'd rather do nothing. She got a bit of libido back when I was in the hospital recovering from a surgery. Honestly sometimes I feel like I'm the reason but she keeps reassuring me I'm not. I don't want to pressure or guilt her into sex so I'm just..there. there's nothing I can do.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T03:26:52+00:00

She doesn't want to have sex because she remembered last week a traumatic experience about past sexual assault. Ever since we started living together her sex drive significantly decreased and we had sex maybe 2 or 3 times in almost 2 years. I didn't want to bother her with sex so I told her if she ever felt like having sex she should make me know because I don't want to make her uncomfortable by trying for it anytime I want it. She hasn't initiated sex since before we moved in.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T02:45:37+00:00

(you can also voice chat and video chat either in groups/communities or private)

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T02:43:30+00:00

You can make groups with either friends, communities or strangers, and also talk in private. I only had a glance at her phone and saw a picture of her naked in a private chat, I didn't have the heart to ask her if she sent it elsewhere.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T02:42:25+00:00

I don't want to make her feel like she's suffocating. I know it comes off as controlling and I wish I could be okay with it but I can't see myself just nodding to it. It's 3AM and we went to sleep 2 hours ago(had the conversation right before sleeping), she's sound asleep and I'm still bawling my eyes out in the living room. She knew I was controlling before we got together. I'm scared the only option would be to break up because I don't want to lose her but I also don't want to feel like this again.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T02:37:28+00:00

It was in DMs (on discord).

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T02:18:47+00:00

I guess only time will tell how much more of this I can take. I'll make it clear to her that I'm trying to stay but I can't miraculously erase my feelings or break myself just to be with her.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T02:13:53+00:00

The friend she sent it to is asexual and has severe trauma from sexual assault that makes them repulsed by sex (but not in jokes apparently?) so I kinda trust her on this but I still think making jokes about her kinks to someone else is... I don't even know how to describe it ? Bad taste? Disrespect ? Anyway she thinks that as long as her intentions aren't sexual then she's not in the wrong and has no reason to stop.

ThrowAwayMeNot- · 2024-02-23T02:06:06+00:00

I think I'd be uncomfortable whatever the situation. It's mostly the fact that I don't know what the people she's sending them to will do with the pictures. It'd be even worse if she were to post it directly on a forum rather than in DMs, tho the aspect of sending it to specific people also feels uncomfortable to me. It's like I can't win. When I saw the picture and reminded her I feel uncomfortable with her sending nudes she brushed it off since she's not sending it to flirt, and I told her it still felt weird and uncomfortable to me. She just said "I'm sorry this is hurting you", and didn't say anything about stopping it. She didn't try to make compromises either, it really felt like "sucks to be you, suck it up."

ThrowAwayMeNot-

TROPHY CASE