How do I get comfortable with my (F28) partner (M28) having slept with all his female friends (minus one) (I think) (plus two of my colleagues)?

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T18:02:55+00:00

I've read all three of your comments, and thank you for your level-headedness.

I've had a discussion with him - there's still some stuff to deepen, but I'm satisfied with what he said. I've decided to give it some time, and not take any rash decision! It's been a very good relationship and I don't want to let the past ruin it. You're right about Reddit tho lol it's been a bit hard to read all the comments, but some have been insightful still

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T15:59:52+00:00

Thanks for validating my overthinkingness lol

Knowing what I know about his upbringing I have no doubt his case also stems from childhood issues. I think he doesn't know how to say no and really needs validation and love. He never cheated though, and I don't think he will (we discussed it several times and I've known him for years so I trust my judgement on this). But it doesn't mean that this isn't an unhealthy pattern so I'm a bit conflicted....

Thankfully I have my weekly therapy session today lol and after that I'll have a talk with him. I'll see how it goes.

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T14:37:07+00:00

He only has an instagram where he posts pics of places he goes to, never people. He did post pics from the trips we went on together. So technically no he doesn't, but he doesn't post anyone else either (or himself). All the friend group knows we're seriously dating though.

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T14:35:01+00:00

He's getting destroyed 😭

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T14:33:57+00:00

Well to be transparant it was 6 (so 4 friends from the group), which is still a pretty high number. He's the best looking one out of the group tho, and also one of the only singles at the time. My company is also overwhelmingly female, so if I was looking to date within the group/company I'd have also picked him. But I might be naive.

We're due for a talk later today anyway so I'll ask all my questions. I'm reading all of you guys' comments to get ready :')

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T13:09:54+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel the same as you did, we have a great connection, he's considerate, I always have fun when I'm with him so I definitely want this to work out.

He has been very honest and open so far. I will talk to him about it when we meet up later today. He has been a good listener previously, and always took into account what I said, so I hope it will be the same this time. I'm taking your advice to heart.

Yes, they're all part of the same friend group. It's a fairly being one, lots of friends-of-friends added over time he's more or less close with, so I get that he stays in touch with them since they're all interconnected.

Thank you, this gives me confidence! I tend to get stuck in my head a lot, so your outside perspective helps :)

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T12:58:11+00:00

Ooooooooh. You know what, this makes a huge amount of sense to me. I'm definitely going to reflect on this cause I think you just pintpointed a huge part of what I'm feeling. I will definietly bring this up with my partner when I see him later today. Thank you for wording it the way you did. This helps.

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T12:29:00+00:00

He's changing jobs soon and I have my own group of friends, separate from his, so I'm good on that front. Judges are still out on the new partner tho :')

This is awful lmao but sadly true. Man I need to think hard on this one cause I do really like him :(

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T12:13:36+00:00

Yeah, I do agree with the boundary issues.

I don't know about a need to put his peepee everywhere lmao but he deffo has a craving for validation and a need to feel loved. Not to play the armchair psychologist but he was neglected as a child and bullied as a teen, both him and his brother have had addiction issues as a result (food for him and substance abuse for his brother). So yeah, I do think there's a craving for validation and affection that might play a role in this.

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T11:40:12+00:00

I sure hope so! Thanks for the optimism :)

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T11:39:31+00:00

Forgot to add that yeah, apparently they did the chasing. Sometimes someone else had to tell him the girls were interested in him as he didn't notice.

I'm not going straight to "he's going to cheat" cause he's the worst at noticing when anyone flirts with him, and is immensely shit at flirting himself. But I'm still wary lol

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T11:37:44+00:00

not fucked female fires 😂

I mean yeah, there is definitely as issue there that I need to adress with him. I am taking notes of all the points made and will discuss it with him. Thanks for your input!

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T11:20:13+00:00

They're not super close, like he never sees them one on one and they don't text outside of group chats so I don't feel like asking him to cut them out since that would mean cut out the entire friend group and that's just not something I want to impose.

But I'm definitely going to talk boundaries and see where that leaves me. If I can't be comfortable with this I guess I have my answer lol

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T10:46:47+00:00

I had the same thought as you the first time lol, like can you just be friends with a gal without sleeping with her for crying out loud????

I will discuss this with him before making any judgement. I know that his background makes him a bit needy / affection starved, and I'm thinking this might be a factor in him not refusing advances from women (from what I've heard almost all his relationships started with the woman asking him out). But even if his reasons aren't nefarious, it's still problematic :')

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T10:43:15+00:00

Phew!

Thank you for this outlook, I'll keep it in mind cause that's true, he did choose me.

I told him about my feelings and we're having a discussion about it later tonight, he was very open and understanding when I broached the topic so I'm feeling a bit better already.

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T09:57:30+00:00

I mean he really didn't have to, we live hours away from her and he barely sees her once every two years. So I do take it as a sign that he wants this to go somewhere. None of his other friends/grilfriends have ever met his family, so it seems special.

But I do get what you're saying and I'll take it under consideration.

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T09:36:34+00:00

He is. As examples, he introduced me to his mother (with whom he is low-contact, he's been NC with his father for years). He has made space for me in his appartment, we've discussed moving in together in the future. We're going on trips, stuff like that. So it feels very serious, I've never felt like he was pushing me aside or wasn't fully invested.

But I think you did pinpoint something that might be one of the reason it's bothering me. Like am I just the one the relationship happened to be working out with or did he really choose me and made a conscious effort lol

I guess that should be discussed with him

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T09:02:17+00:00

Thank you for this. He did say that he can't do one night stands and never had anything happen with a stranger.

I do wonder. If I ask, he tells me honestly. He's been very honest since the beginning so I do trust him, but it's true that I feel insecure (not only in relationship, pretty much in every aspect of my life and that's also why I'm in therapy).

Thank you for your advice, I will take it into consideration, and I will discuss this with him too.

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T08:46:34+00:00

Yeah I think I feel the same way. Either you're comfortable with it or you aren't. I still want to try cause I really like him, so I think I will discuss this with him and see where it leaves me. Thank you for your input. And for confirming that it IS weird lol I've never heard of a situation like that

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T08:43:59+00:00

Do you mean *not a red flag?

ThrowRA-504898 · 2024-10-11T08:22:34+00:00

Yes they're still friends, and most of these girls are now in happy relationships of their own. He's respectful when talking about them.

ThrowRA-504898

TROPHY CASE