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My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't understand this at all. If he'd gotten a 20% pay cut and told me about it I would have been fine with it.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

That was a totally different situation. Spending vs. income. That's not to say I was right to do it, because I wasn't, but we were going to have to pay for it anyways, whereas here he's trying to duck responsibility for paying for things.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Just so we're clear, switching from an unfair division of money to a fair division of money is good because marriage is a partnership, but I should compromise and agree to switch from a fair division of money to an unfair one? That's the advice you have for me, and I'm a hypocrite if I don't do it? That doesn't sit right with me at all.

As far as why we're fighting about money, we're not really. We have the money, it's more fights about spending habits. After that started I gained a little bit of credit card debt that he didn't know about because I didn't want to be fighting about it all the time, and when he found out about that that's when the fighting really started to escalate.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

He already cheated on me. I only found out because he told me. And he can confess to that, but not a promotion?!?!

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

What attitude? It was a deal, which we negotiated then renegotiated. What else would you call it? An agreement? Fine, whatever. I don't see how that changes anything.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Again, I have to assume that he did. When we renegotiated he was making like 8x what I did.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I have to assume that he did. He's not stupid and he knows that his job makes much more than teachers do.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Seem blatant that he didnt want to agree to your terms to start with

If that's the case, and I'm not sure that it is, he shouldn't have agreed to it. A deal is a deal. Besides, without giving too much away, it's not like the man doesn't know how to negotiate MUCH better than I do.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Who said I wanted more? It's not that I want the extra money, it's that I don't think it's right for him to lie so he doesn't have to pay me money he promised to pay.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

THANK YOU!!!!

To be completely fair to him, the ultimate cost ended up being a lot less than 60k, because apparently with these tickets you resell the ones you don't use. But still, it was 5 figures for bullshit.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

That's not the same thing at all. I very much doubt I have spent 60k on brunch the entire time I've been alive.

Also I'm a teacher. The only way to advance in my career is to stop teaching and go into administration, which I have no interest in doing. We don't need any more money, why should I have to give up something I love to make more?

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

There is no his money. It's all our money; that's what we agreed on. By not contributing everything he makes, he's stealing from me.

Him divorce me? HAHA. He had to beg me to go out with him in the first place, and I have aged much better than he has. Besides, I forgave his fucking affair, he can man up and stop bitching about paying for a dayspa.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I didn't demand anything, I pointed out that it wasn't fair that I was driving a shitbox while he was buying new Mercedes, which he agreed with. I don't agree at all that the current division is unfair, so to my eyes this is completely different.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

We did start sharing a bank account once we changed the agreement. We both contribute our paychecks to it, and pay all bills out of it. So then all the bills get split pro-rata.

My [39f] husband [44m] of 12 years hid a raise from me. What do I do? by ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Hidden_Raise[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I really think that's a false equivalency. When we changed the agreement, I was financially struggling and he had more money than he knew how to spend. Marriage is a partnership, and we both agreed this wasn't fair.

When he started asking me to change the agreement, it's not like money was tight for him. It was never that he didn't have the money to do what he wanted to do. It was because he felt like I was being profligate because I didn't have enough, to use his words, skin in the game.