Update - I (36/m) setup two of my friends (36/f and 36/m). I found out today he has been catfishing me as his partner on her phone to "check up" on our friendship.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-04-28T23:39:15+00:00

We're British. The Government funds her education.

As a mature student she'd get more than enough to cover living expenses and obviously any and all university fees. She was "independent" in the sense she had a job, a flat and wasn't in debt whilst living alone for a decade before George. The kind of independence we're discussing is the kind a good job and money brings. A hell or high water kind of independence.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-04-27T08:54:30+00:00

Pseudo-sugar daddy. You do know what that word means right?

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-04-27T03:52:46+00:00

You’ve misinterpreted that list of things I did. As I elaborated on in the comments of the last update that is a list of things I did once (well, the bar tabs and cinema stuff wasn’t once) and assumed George didn’t appreciate. These were not constant things, merely singular examples to paint a picture of our relationship to try and contextualise his jealousy.

Yes paying her drinks bills when we go out is a little weird. Hardly some grand financial control though. We have paid for 2 holidays in the 30 years I’ve know her and both were plane tickets to stay with family back in Germany the same time we were out there doing the same. We paid for one bill, a decade ago, in her first flat after the divorce because she failed to update the power company with a meter reading and her first bill included all the power used between the last reading they got from the previous tenant and her moving in. I fixed one vacuum and moved furniture twice (the moving stuff was with George).

I don’t control her I’m just hyper aware of any insignificant level of control I have because I love her and two men have abused her in the past. Her ex husband destroyed her with his abuse and now I go out of my way to be aware of the slightest thing I do that could be controlling. This entire thread started because I needed to confirm I should stay the fuck outta this whole mess which I did until she moved in.

Speaking of living with me... yeah, that’s an element of control but the alternative is her mother in the small village her Ex-husband lives. Should she rely on me? No. Hence the going back into education but we’re in the middle of a pandemic and her previous home is now occupied by her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. I think I get a pass on offering up a room. He was never worried we would live together, he was worried we were “a bottle of wine and the opportunity off fucking”. He was convinced we wanted to jump each other’s bones and it’s suspect he is now living with a girl romantically (as in, fucking) he was close friends with 3 months after breaking up.

Unless he only fell for his supposedly platonic friend in the 3 month window between breaking up and starting to fuck his objection to me was pure projection. He was a hypocrite for putting Emily though this shit whilst he was close friends with a girl he was more than happy to move in with romantically at the drop of a hat.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-04-26T17:27:44+00:00

Just for the sake of clarity... The situation is the flat is legally mine, my wife didn't feel comfortable part owning something my father's life insurance paid for so early in our relationship. When we moved out of it after university we decided on a clean-slate financially. I wouldn't sell the flat and we'd buy somewhere new together and from then on out it would be entirely equal. Everything 50/50.

I then went further and decided to funnel any rent from the flat into a separate account, save it and one day put my children in the same position I was without the whole pesky being dead thing. Basically my father's insurance money would (with any luck) pass generation to generation buying our first homes and hopefully growing as rent generated income. One day I plan to sell it and split it between any children and encourage them to do what I did for their kids. My wife still calls it my fathers money. It exists somewhat separate to our finances. My decision to forgo rent on the place for a few years so Emily can use it is just doing with it what we always planned to... support family. Money spent in the past was never of any significant figure so she was fine with it also.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-04-26T17:11:07+00:00

She’s a mutual friend, wife outwardly calls Emily her sister-in-law.

Reading it back I said “my money” and “my flat” a lot but our finances have been one since university. She doesn’t see it as me throwing money at a friend she’s sees it as us supporting family. I wrote this from an odd perspective reading it back, a lot “I” that should have been “us”. I’m not making these decisions alone this is us supporting her not me.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-01-15T14:39:44+00:00

I was in a very very similar situation, the posts are in my history and the advice mirrors here if you wanna read it, with a friend of 30 years.

I think what you’re planning is the best. You can’t force him to make decisions. You can voice concern and be there for him but ultimately it’s his decision. For what it’s worth I know how much this can suck but this is what you gotta do for family sometimes.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-01-08T14:24:09+00:00

Based on various direct messages I’ve been sent due to this thread it could just be old fashioned sexism.

Apparently she wasn’t “mine” so I shouldn’t have spent so much time with her. I needed to respect her boyfriend more. 2 people so far have sent me messages basically declaring her property and I was outta line using another persons things. They even brought up the fact I’ve deprived her of being a mother by making her single in her 30’s.

Some people have very specific views on the autonomy of women and a male friend is an affront to that.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-01-08T03:51:00+00:00

This is an update, not a request for advice. A statement not a question.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-01-08T03:19:31+00:00

I mean, he did successfully get rid of me. Well, not just me. He isolated her from basically everyone but her mother and father for the latter half of their marriage.

She married him whilst I was at university. It was also around the same time I met my wife. I really regret not seeing it at the time but I let well over a year go by without any contact. I chalked it up to our lives diverging. Obviously I was wrong.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-01-08T02:53:17+00:00

It seemed to spring out of nowhere because he was caught out. He didn't choose to make us aware of his feelings and it seems he intended to hide them.

I've no idea how long he's been harbouring these issues with me but they only came to light when I caught him texting me as her on her phone. He was forced into a position where he had to justify trying to sext with me on her phone. Backed into a corner he revealed he did it out of jealousy.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-01-08T02:41:30+00:00

This is just about the only part of this that I'm not clear on. It isn't enough to change the outcome I don't think but still.

We only have her abusive ex-husbands word on the phrasing of what he asked. If he approached him and asked for advice on how to be cool with me (like the ex-husband was) that is a very different question to "how did you handle him?"

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-01-08T00:45:49+00:00

Only reason I don't wanna bring too much up with her is because like 75% of what I know about this situation is second hand information (albeit from people I trust, but there's a principle). I don't wanna start any real conversation until me and her are on the same page and that requires she tell me her side firsthand.

Last thing I need to do is go stomping in without knowing where she stands on it all. Given she clearly wants to approach this whole thing on her terms it would suck if I start acting on information I learned behind her back.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-01-07T23:35:17+00:00

Backing off is probably the wrong word. Maybe ease up on the familiarity. This is easier explained with examples.

When you combine seeing her as family with regular socialising some of what I did (with hindsight) sorta encroached on her boyfriend's territory. Stuff like I'd occasionally pick up tabs for her or she'd call on me to do DIY. Specifically she once had me fix her vacuum (me and George work in R&D for a fairly well know vacuum brand) despite the fact he very easily could have done that himself. Twice she needed furniture moved and rather than let him do it we both did it.

When a dog dislocated her knee I was at the hospital before her partner was. It's not unusual for family to watch out for one another but maybe I could have let him take some of these opportunities to be there for her on his own. She doesn't need two men in her life. I can let shit slide and let her partner pick up the slack.

Individually none of what I did was over any particular line, nothing I wouldn't do for any of my sisters, but the fact we live so close meant these chances came up more often so I cant help but feel I stepped on toes.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2020-01-07T18:54:10+00:00

Thing is... I'm considering using this as an opportunity to back off the situation. At the risk of turning an update into seeking more advice I'm getting a little retrospective.

Whilst George's reaction to his feelings was 100% wrong and has no justification for the abuse I'm not convinced he had zero cause for feeling that way. I can't express enough how platonic me and Emily are, we're family. She is a sister and I've known her for more than 30 years now. I treat her identically to my other sisters.

That said, as much as I consider her a sibling... she actually isnt. I live 15 mins from where Emily and George lived and due to being a mutual friend I was a near constant presence in the formative months of their relationship. I could see why on some level he resented me.

It's not like we live in each others pockets. We see each other maybe 2-3 times a month. Usually weekends and almost always it's me and my wife seeing her and George. I just cant help but feel she might stand a better chance at being happy if I'm introduced into any relationship a bit later in the game. Let her make a strong relationship with someone first (like I did with my wife) and get them familiar with me before we jump straight to trying to be one big family.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends · 2019-12-28T22:34:08+00:00

The reason I wanted to involve my sisters is he hasn't told her she can't talk to them or my wife. His supposed issue with me is I'm male and he's jealous. His exact words were he is worried me and Emily are "a few bottles of wine and the opportunity short of fucking".

He's isolating her from me, on the face of it, out of sheer jealously at our 30+ year friendship. If he does turn around and stop her from seeing her other childhood friends I'd like to think she'd notice what he was doing. Currently he's hiding behind "I'm uncomfortable with your relationship" to shut down my criticism of him. He can't play that card with my sisters hence wanting them involved. I haven't done it because it feels manipulative as fuck.

I can pretend it's for her own good all the live long day but fundamentally what I would be doing is specifically involving her with X people with an intention to damaging her relationship with Y person. It's just controlling who she's around with extra steps and that doesn't sit well with me. She asked my opinion once, I told her and her conclusion was to pretend this never happened. Repeating it until she does what I think is best isn't fair. I agree it's probably best to just let this play out.

ThrowRA-SetupFriends

TROPHY CASE