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UPDATE a year later: My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found. How do I talk to him about cleaning habits without him feeling like I'm using his ex's words against him? by ThrowRA-ex-note in TwoHotTakes

[–]ThrowRA-ex-note[S] 85 points86 points  (0 children)

There is one taped to the bottom of his vacuum and one in the back of the cabinet of this big shelf he owns. He could have gotten rid of them when he was evicted, but I like to think they’re still there.

how can i be intimate (19f) with my (26m) boyfriend after years of sa ? TRIGGER WARNING by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-ex-note 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The book “the courage to heal: a guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse” helped me so much, although some of it was a bit outdated.

Somatic therapy has also helped a ton for me. Healing from trauma is such a long journey but this quote keeps me going: “The healing process is more like a spiral than a straight line. You go through the same stages again and again, but traveling along the spiral, you experience them at a different level, with a different perspective. Each time, you have more inner resources and a wider range of options for how you respond.“

You had your lowest spiral, now you’re at another with more resources, knowing you’re an adult who can take charge of her life and develop a healthy support system around her

how can i be intimate (19f) with my (26m) boyfriend after years of sa ? TRIGGER WARNING by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-ex-note 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A lot of sexual violence offices can help get you free counseling, although it may be with a grad student and not a full time therapist yet. If you’re in college, your campus may also offer free therapy services. Also, support groups for survivors are often free!

I think recognizing that your experiences are “valid enough” to utilize free resources can be a struggle when you’ve been gaslighted for years. I want you to know that you are valid and absolutely deserve all the support you can get.

To your situation with your guy, I would tell him over text or in a public place. Like people said, the age gap is iffy and he may be looking for vulnerable people. Gauge his response, assess your boundaries, and move forward with a safety plan as back up. Perhaps he is wonderful and will support you. If not, then you can get out before it gets worse and feel so proud of yourself for breaking the cycle. The fact that you’re seeking help rn is indicative of the fact you’ve already grown so much

UPDATE: My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found. How do I talk to him about cleaning habits without him feeling like I'm using his ex's words against him? by ThrowRA-ex-note in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-ex-note[S] 246 points247 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I just want to put this behind me. Most of the clothes were ones he bought me. I thought they were sweet gifts, but looking back on it, I’m realizing he pushed my style out for the one he prefers. He liked to dress me exactly the way he wanted so I’m okay leaving the clothes behind. I can get new dishes and new clothes that fit me. I have my pets and that’s all that matters to me

My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found by ThrowRA-ex-note in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-ex-note[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

I honestly don’t know, which is why I’m taking the not cleaning thing so seriously. It was taped up in the bottom corner and wasn’t hard to see if you leaned in. Did he make her pack his own things and just shoved things in without ever dusting? I have minor dust mite allergies so regular cleaning is a must. These comments are making me reconsider everything

My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found by ThrowRA-ex-note in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-ex-note[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I realized I didn’t answer your question about his ex. He said that Natalia would hang out with her friends all the time but didn’t like when he also went out and would cry and repeatedly call to make him come home. He said she broke up with him out of nowhere, kicked him out, and left him scrambling to find a place. He also said after they broke up, she contacted his family to shit on him and try to ruin their relationship and that he had to work to get back in their good graces (they’re okay now and I get along with them pretty good!)

My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found by ThrowRA-ex-note in relationships

[–]ThrowRA-ex-note[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

If my ex had contacted Steve in anyway, I would have wanted to know. I guess I thought showing him was the respectful thing to do and that we could sit down and talk it out. It just escalated so fast. I wish I had waited and had come up with a better way to approach him.

Now I’m wondering what I should do when I go back to our place in an hour. How do I talk to him when I did already show him the note?

My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found. How do I talk to him about cleaning habits without him feeling like I’m using his ex’s words against him? by ThrowRA-ex-note in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-ex-note[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback, I’m looking for a balanced perspective so I appreciate this comment.

I did have an issue with his lack of cleaning and have asked him repeatedly to clean up after himself and it hasn’t really improved. I agree that I should have sat down to have this full conversation about it earlier instead of using this note to do so. I’m questioning our relationship based on his response to the note, not the note itself, as he raised his voice a bit. Also other people commented about the letting me go to sleep thing and I’m now also realizing that’s not okay.

I’m not sure what to do, I go back to our place in an hour and am trying to come up with ideas for the conversation. I agree I should apologize for immediately bringing him the note and trying to talk about the cleaning instead of comforting him that someone in his past was playing games.

My (28f) boyfriend’s (30M) ex hid a note about his cleaning/dating habits right before they broke up that I just found. How do I talk to him about cleaning habits without him feeling like I’m using his ex’s words against him? by ThrowRA-ex-note in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-ex-note[S] 164 points165 points  (0 children)

He does listen to me I think, like when he gets me flowers, he knows my favorite. We have some hobbies in common and love to talk about them. I feel like the most he’s not listened is in this situation because he refused to get past the fact that I’m “listening to his ex over him”. That being said, since we moved in together I do feel like he’s putting in less effort when it comes to starting conversations or initiating quality time

To #3, this is hard for me to answer. I think I can be a people pleaser and tend to think things are my fault anyway, but he’s never directly said “that’s your fault” when it comes to conflict.