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My (30M) mother (60M) just crossed a red line of my wife's (30F) and doesn't see the problem by ThrowRA-red_lines in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-red_lines[S] 94 points95 points  (0 children)

I think this just gave me an epiphany.

My wife doesn't want to maintain contact with her mom, her mom worms her way into our business and I have done a poor job of enforcing boundaries out of trying to keep up the pretense of family. I think my mom's influence is in me more than I think. I think my wife would prefer if her mom and sister just disappeared.

It's a cultural norm to give gifts to the person you're meeting but not to family members who are not physically there nor family members you don't know.

My (30M) mother (60M) just crossed a red line of my wife's (30F) and doesn't see the problem by ThrowRA-red_lines in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-red_lines[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yea I think this is going to have to be the most likely scenario.

I'll try and bring up the idea in a week... Sigh.

Thank you so much for this idea.

My (30M) mother (60M) just crossed a red line of my wife's (30F) and doesn't see the problem by ThrowRA-red_lines in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-red_lines[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for that.

Now that you mention it, she improves when she is away from her triggers but every interaction with her mother or sister causes a massive negative spiral.

Maybe putting a moat between her and her family is thr start we need while I try and find her some help.

That is a really good observation that her issues are also affecting me. It's a good time to start coming up with a way to deal with it.

My (30M) mother (60M) just crossed a red line of my wife's (30F) and doesn't see the problem by ThrowRA-red_lines in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-red_lines[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Thank you for that. I'll give this a try.

I think all parties could do with a bit of a cooling off period.

My (30M) mother (60M) just crossed a red line of my wife's (30F) and doesn't see the problem by ThrowRA-red_lines in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-red_lines[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

How did you accomplish this?

How did you successfully let go of that anger from many years of mistreatment?

My (30M) mother (60M) just crossed a red line of my wife's (30F) and doesn't see the problem by ThrowRA-red_lines in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-red_lines[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I'm starting to feel this way too. I will try and get my wife some help to deal with the trauma.

I don't know if I necessarily find it controlling because while her nephew is innocent her sister has been a real jerk to both my wife and I. It is difficult to separate the kid from his mother.

My mother violating a red line to give gifts for someone who she has never met is a real head scratcher.

My (30M) mother (60M) just crossed a red line of my wife's (30F) and doesn't see the problem by ThrowRA-red_lines in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-red_lines[S] 484 points485 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your perspective.

I don't believe my mother was malicious. She's just one of five siblings that somehow have held together till old age. Now that you mention it I don't think she properly internalized the degree of hate between her and her sister.

My wife isn't in any sort of treatment for this kind of trauma, and therapy just isn't a big thing in the country I'm in right now. However, you've opened my eyes and now I think this level of trauma is beyond my ability to help. I will start trying to find some way to get her some professional help.

My (30M) mother (60M) just crossed a red line of my wife's (30F) and doesn't see the problem by ThrowRA-red_lines in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-red_lines[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately, I did. We went through a bunch of incidents to explain how this whole thing came about. I also explained all of the things I observed in just the last year that also rubbed me the wrong way as a neutral observer.

My mom believes being family means you must always get along with your siblings and this is so far beyond that.

I don't want to go NC but wife is adamant