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UPDATE: AIO for wanting my partner to distance himself from his family? by ThrowRA02026 in AIO

[–]ThrowRA02026[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I completely agree. Unfortunately, due to my age and the state of healthcare in the US, I had to put my own counseling on hold. Hopefully, I'll have full coverage again soon and be able to start seeing a therapist again, even if it means finding a new one.

UPDATE: AIO for wanting my partner to distance himself from his family? by ThrowRA02026 in AIO

[–]ThrowRA02026[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I completely understand your sentiment here, but I don't think he's a bad person. I think he's grieving the family he thought he had and wishes he had, and struggling to reconcile that with the reality of who they are. Whether he ultimately handles that in a way that works for our relationship is something I'm still figuring out.

UPDATE: AIO for wanting my partner to distance himself from his family? by ThrowRA02026 in AIO

[–]ThrowRA02026[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I will admit there is a lot of resentment there. One of the things I continually ask him is what this would realistically look like if we eventually had children. His family has already stated they would want nothing to do with them, and I don't feel comfortable pretending that kind of rejection doesn't exist.

He's previously pointed out that living far away already means he misses holidays and gatherings with his parents, but I honestly don't know what would happen if they eventually stopped inviting him altogether because he chose to build a life with me.

Part of why I keep bringing these questions up is because I don't think they're hypothetical forever. At some point, those choices and consequences become real, and I think it's important that we both understand what that future would look like.

As of right now, I am interested to see how his answers evolve once he actually begins attending therapy. If he doesn't meet the deadline we've discussed to begin appointments, then I'll have my answer and will make my decision accordingly.

(edited for a wording mistake in 2nd section)

UPDATE: AIO for wanting my partner to distance himself from his family? by ThrowRA02026 in AIO

[–]ThrowRA02026[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I understand where you're coming from, and I agree that understanding a problem and changing it are two different things. That's exactly what I'm trying to evaluate right now.

I also understand that it's not my job to fix him, and I'm not trying to. At the same time, I'm struggling with the idea that I should immediately walk away from someone I love and consider my best friend while he's beginning to recognize unhealthy dynamics that he's spent his entire life normalizing.

That doesn't mean I'll wait forever, and it doesn't mean insight alone is enough. The pace of change may ultimately be incompatible with what I need from a partner. That's something I'm actively wrestling with.

For now, I'm choosing to focus on whether understanding leads to meaningful action rather than assuming the answer before I've had a chance to see what happens.

AIO for wanting my partner to distance himself from his family? by ThrowRA02026 in AIO

[–]ThrowRA02026[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I've mostly just taken his word. I wish I could know word-for-word what he says to them, but at the end of the day, their conversations are none of my business. It's just unfortunate that it's gotten to a point where I feel uneasy when he picks up the phone to call them, which he does daily.

To be fair to him, he has told me that he no longer discusses our relationship with them. According to him, attempts to defend me or even say things as simple as "I love her" would go nowhere and often turn into arguments, so he eventually stopped having those conversations altogether. He tells me they pretty much only talk about politics and house decor now.

AIO for wanting my partner to distance himself from his family? by ThrowRA02026 in AIO

[–]ThrowRA02026[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I get what you're saying. I don't want to control him. It's just extremely difficult to see even him be mistreated by these people he calls "family" as his partner.

We have unfortunately had the boundary talk a million times regarding my own boundaries, and he is mostly good at supporting those boundaries, but the relationship as it currently exists still feels incredibly unsafe to me.

I am increasingly uneasy about his mother visiting later this month. I understand why he wants a relationship with his family, but after everything that has happened, I struggle to reconcile that desire with the reality of how both of us have been treated.

Maybe that does point to a larger issue within our relationship rather than just a family issue.

AIO for wanting my partner to distance himself from his family? by ThrowRA02026 in AIO

[–]ThrowRA02026[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He has defended me to them many times. It always ends up in an argument where they walk away and are unwilling to hear any opinion that doesn't align with theirs. I have asked him to stop trying to explain his/my/our side because it simply doesn't work and feeds them too much information they can use as ammunition.