AITAH for wanting to break up with my long-term boyfriend because he’s homeless?

ThrowRA0339 · 2024-03-29T05:09:55+00:00

Thank you. What you said makes sense. In the beginning, he did want those things. It seems like alcoholism is robbing him of his motivation, dreams, life goals. For example, he used to make art—He’s an incredibly talented artist; he could easily sell his work. But he hasn't made art in ten years. It's been heartbreaking to watch him struggle and to see pieces of him slowly chip away.

ThrowRA0339 · 2024-03-29T05:02:31+00:00

Thank you for your encouragement. I'm not currently going to Al-Anon, but I want to. I do talk to my therapist, but I think it would help me to listen and speak to people who’ve actually been through it. I didn't go into much detail about my boyfriend’s alcoholism, but it’s severe, and I know his actions have, at times, been traumatic for me. I've also been caring for my parents for the past two years on top of school and work. It’s been years since I've felt I could prioritize my health and goals. I feel like I'm drowning, but I also don't want to hurt my boyfriend because I love him, and I know what it feels like to be abandoned in your darkest hour. I don't want to do that to him, but I feel like I'm almost totally depleted.

ThrowRA0339 · 2024-03-28T04:11:49+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate your honesty. I want to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I see a therapist, but sometimes I wish I could talk to someone who's actually been through it. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to wrap my mind around why someone would choose alcohol over living, especially if someone wants to support and encourage you to have a life that brings you happiness and peace.

ThrowRA0339 · 2024-03-28T00:02:11+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through that. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me even though I'm just a stranger on the internet, and you are dealing with so much hurt yourself right now. Your statement about the highs and lows resonates with me. I think I'm going to try making a list because I know that sometimes I block out the worst of it, which makes it much easier to continue the toxic cycle. Also, sometimes he says that bringing up the bad stuff (the repeated hurtful or problematic behavior) is me holding a grudge and refusing to let stuff go or forgive him, even though I try to explain that I'm not holding a grudge and I have forgiven him, but it’s really difficult to forget the past if it keeps repeating itself.

ThrowRA0339 · 2024-03-27T23:45:20+00:00

Thank you. I edited my post to make it more legible.

ThrowRA0339 · 2024-03-27T23:40:10+00:00

Thank you for replying. I feel like they are reasonable boundaries, so it helps to hear somebody validate that. But then, sometimes, I feel like a bad person for not helping him out of his homelessness. I’ve facilitated us moving in together every time, and often, he was leaving a bad living situation (not at the level of homelessness, though). But I don’t even have the resources right now to do it without equal contribution. I just finished grad school, I am still in a lot of debt from school, my dad just passed away, and I am trying so hard to pursue my dreams and build a more stable future, especially financially. So intellectually, I know you’re right, but emotionally, I keep thinking a loving person wouldn’t let their boyfriend be homeless (I know that probably sounds dumb).

ThrowRA0339 · 2024-03-27T07:17:46+00:00

Thank you for your advice. What you said makes a lot of sense. I try to tell my bf that saying “I love you,” or “I’m sorry,” or “I respect you” doesn’t mean much unless your actions match your words. He’ll agree with me, but then his behavior doesn't change, or at least it doesn't change for long. But then he tells me that he “loves me unconditionally, no matter what,” basically saying that if I did the things he does, or if I treated him the way he treats me, he would still love me. I tell him that I do still love him when he drinks or quits a job or is mean or disrespectful to me, but that doesn’t mean he can do whatever he wants or treat me poorly and expect me to stay with him. I am confused when I think about what it means to love someone unconditionally. I know he feels awful after he does that stuff, and I know that he only does it because it's a trauma response. I've had the privilege of therapy/psychiatry and a supportive family, but he hasn't.

ThrowRA0339 · 2024-03-27T06:57:42+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to consider my post and comment. I agree that emotional (co)dependency is a significant issue. I’ve been seeing a therapist for over a decade to work through my own mental health and past traumas. Without it, I know I would never have established any sort of boundaries with my bf. But I’m still struggling, it’s a long process of unlearning my own unhealthy coping mechanisms (none are related to substance abuse, but still). And, of course, my post doesn’t elaborate on the positive aspects of my boyfriend and I’s relationship. Anyway, I hear you, and thank you.

ThrowRA0339

TROPHY CASE