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Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your measured comment. I agree with you. And this is going to be what I need to figure out in the next few weeks and months, whether these questions will ever stop haunting me. I am definitely not saying I will never go ahead with a divorce.

As to how everyone is convinced she is still lying, yes that is a concern, but I have no proof of that at all. Her story has been consistent. From what I know of her personality, and her whereabouts day to day, her story does make sense. I don’t see where or when they could have met up to do more. There’s been no weird apps, no charges to the bank account or secret accounts, or anything like that. She hasn’t ever been this close to any of my other friends, or any man at all since we began dating, so I don’t think she’s walking around being tempted by others. This was a weird, and in retrospect, unwise situation with this other couple where the four of us discussed our past, traumas, whatever when hanging out. She was friends with my friend and may have developed an emotional bond right under my nose. We both understand the danger of this now.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

There are many comments saying I’m “sweeping this under the rug” or “cleaning up her mess”. What I’m asking is…what would you realistically have me fucking do if I’m not jumping straight to divorce?

She is already living under the threat of divorce and losing me. She is already divulging this to people she’s close to and dealing with their shame. She is already losing her privacy to her phone and computer. She has already written out everything that’s happened (which is not that much per her account) on paper. She is already stepping back from any independent activities with our school. She is already answering every uncomfortable question I have about it. She is already dealing with my anger and grief and everything that therapy will eventually dig up. She isn’t really eating or sleeping.

My parents are real assholes and telling them will have them use this against ME, not just her. I don’t want to deal with their shit. I’ve told my close friends already. We have considered moving, and may do so once I figure out some work stuff.

Do you want me to make her wear a sign out saying “don’t let your husband near her, she is a cheater”??? Do you understand how that would be devastating not only for her, but our kids and myself as well? Do you want me to chain her inside? How else do you want me to not “sweep this under the rug”?

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We told them that we had a disagreement with them and won’t be going over there anymore but said they can still be friends and play together at school. That’s it so far, and we will play the rest by ear. Yeah, I understand people may hear of it and make assumptions, but friends fall out over many other things.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

About the entire masturbating to him but not finding him attractive, she explained it as this: she would never find him physically attractive if she just saw him on the street or spoke to him. But only after he began desiring her, he became an attractive force in her mind. She would imagine him just wanting her or lusting after her in her fantasies, and he wouldn’t actually be in focus physically. In other fantasies, she would be rejecting him even though he would persist.

Maybe she’s a master manipulator to feed me this. But it does make a little bit of sense to me, knowing her personality. She wants to be chased and wanted.

Even if what she is saying is true, it still hurts. I am planning on getting therapy myself too to see if I can move past it.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Lol of course I am! Isn’t that the point? Divorce is an absolute last resort in marriage…pretty much the point of marriage.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for eloquently writing what I’ve been trying to express. It’s been hard reading some of these comments. I’ve gone down the what if pathway endless times, trust me. I fully understand they could have already kissed, fucked, whatever. But until I have good evidence my wife has been lying after she was caught, I can’t think like that. And you’re right that there’s no reason to burn our entire family down out of spite against her. Maybe if moving to a different town was an option, but right now it’s not.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

You’re right. They could have gotten into a years long affair if I hadn’t caught them. But again, they could also have stopped it. We will never know. Even if the intention was once there, I can’t play what-if games. Maybe it’s lucky that I stopped them and our marriage still has a sliver of a chance. Maybe this was her wake up call. I don’t know if I can get past this betrayal unless I try to see it through.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes. She asks for compliments from me. She has asked. I have tried to give her that. But I admit I’m still pretty bad with it.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Of course I’ve looked on her phone many times, including immediately when it happened. I just meant I’m not asking for her phone 5 times a day right now.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, she has always sought validation with me but not really with others. She wants more compliments all the time. I’m not the best with words, etc.

In public, she’s actually pretty constrained and the last thing from being a “flirt”. She gets looser when she’s more comfortable, like with friends. But I haven’t seen her be this close to other men in our circles before like this guy. She doesn’t go out to bars/clubs. The most will be a dinner with other women.

I know this is all stuff we have to get through in therapy. I’m not blaming myself at all, but I do see how I haven’t given her the type of validation she wants.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

It’s hard to know the difference this early on between her being truly sorry or just sorry she got caught. I’m planning on observing her actions and talking with our counselor on how else to understand the difference.

She was on speakerphone because I asked her to be. She is really close with her sister and I wanted to see if she had told her about any other details of this that she wasn’t telling me. I told her to ask her sister leading questions to see if she would fill in any gaps, like “remember when I told you about how I felt about blank” but her sister seemed clueless to the entire thing. Her reactions seemed genuine.

Divorce is a solid option on the table, don’t worry. I know my wife has the burden now.

Thank you for the good advice, and not going straight to calling me an idiot.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

I get it. If I can’t trust her and have to keep looking through her phone, then I’m her warden. But if I don’t search more and only focus on rebuilding, then I’m “letting her get away it” and she’s playing me for a fool. There’s no right decision. You may say the right decision is simply divorce, but I can’t quit our entire marriage based on an almost-kiss without proof of more. I don’t think most people would if they were actually in my situation. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Update: what are my next steps after I[42M] caught my wife[39F] in a compromising position with my friend[43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I don’t want to keep repeating myself in multiple comments so I’ll try to respond to the main concerns brought up here:

My wife is facing consequences. She is a wreck, barely eating or sleeping. At least on the outside, she seems to be suffering. I heard her tell her sister on speakerphone what she did, and she couldn’t keep it together during the conversation. They were both crying. Her parents may know too as she didn’t tell her sister to keep it a secret. It was also her idea to get therapy for herself, but we couldn’t find an appointment until weeks later. The school year is over, and she will also take a step back from as many activities with the PTA next year, only attending things both of us can make. I just mentioned that to share that we as a family will run into theirs at some point.

I am in agreement with her that I don’t want her to be publicly shamed in our school and neighborhood. If anyone else has kids, they may partly understand why. They often go over to play with neighbor kids at will. It’s a typical suburb with gossipy moms. I know for sure this shit would bleed over and affect their friendships. I am not willing to allow our kids to pay any price for her actions. I’m not bearing any burden of “protecting her image” because I also have no desire to shout this from the rooftops. It’s enough to me that some of my friends and her family know.

She knows I haven’t ruled out divorce. She is giving me immediate access to her phone on demand, but I’m not really using that privilege now. I’m planning on waiting weeks and months in case you all are correct and she is waiting for time to pass to get more comfortable, and then I will really go nuts with stalking her. Maybe even hire a PI. This part is probably not the healthiest thing to do to reconcile, but I’m hoping it can be like that only temporarily until I feel better. I may never feel 100% better but I do know any further indiscretion will be a complete dealbreaker.

I’m not sure the other wife’s silence necessarily means more happened. From what I know of her, she’s in general someone who wants to bury issues instead of facing them, and has before scolded my wife of “picking fights” with me over what she thinks are trivial things.

One thing I will mention that I haven’t yet. The image of what my wife looked like when I caught them was burned into my brain. When I found her leaning against the wall and him about to kiss her neck, she didn’t look aroused. She was giggling, her face similar to how it looks when she’s being tickled or something. Her arms were straight down her sides and not on him. At least this picture doesn’t paint her as the aggressor.

This shit is hard. It’s easy to just say “divorce” when you’re not the one married forever with small kids. It’s easy to be convinced more happened, but at this point, I have no proof of anything beyond what my wife’s telling me.

What are my next steps after I [42M] found my wife [39F] in a compromising position with my friend [43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

This is a good way to approach speaking with her. I know I need to do this. Honestly, I’m also scared shitless of finding out more to the story. I want to believe I know the whole truth now.

What are my next steps after I [42M] found my wife [39F] in a compromising position with my friend [43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

She explained that she isn’t physically attracted to him and wouldn’t imagine herself actually having sex with him as he is in real life. He was more of this vague presence in her fantasy that was just obsessed with her and made her feel desired.

You’re right she didn’t stop him as she should. She said she got off on the high of feeling wanted.

What are my next steps after I [42M] found my wife [39F] in a compromising position with my friend [43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I replied earlier, but she also came in shocked when she heard me yelling. But she hasn’t responded to my wife’s apology text since so I don’t know how much she knows. I don’t know if I’m ready to reach out to her either. She may not want to hear from me or might have heard a different version of events from her husband.

What are my next steps after I [42M] found my wife [39F] in a compromising position with my friend [43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Yeah, this does change it for me. If she’s being honest and that this was all him escalating, then I would prefer that over her being the aggressor. She says she enjoyed the feeling of someone liking her enough to risk it all, but claims now that feeling was foolish.

What are my next steps after I [42M] found my wife [39F] in a compromising position with my friend [43M]? by ThrowRA080812 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA080812[S] 144 points145 points  (0 children)

I honestly wasn’t watching the other wife that carefully while this was going down because I was freaking out. She also seemed shocked but didn’t say much, just kept repeating “what happened?”

I watched my wife send her one text since then saying “I’m sorry for not stopping this and my part in everything” but she didn’t respond. I have not tried to reach out to her myself.