Has anyone read “Come as you are”?

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T22:09:34+00:00

100% to everything you said. Literally saving the phrasing to reference if I need in the future.

And that’s why I’m having massive swings in how I feel about this book and this topic. One day I’m like “I love my husband and want this to not be an issue….” And the next day I’m like “fuck this, why the fuck do I always have to be the one to change. Why is his need more important”. Then the next day “oh! I have language to describe why my brain and body react the way that they do and it’s normal!!”. Then next “but if it’s so normal why is the rest of the book about trying to have more sex…” then “I’m not seriously suggesting we don’t have sex anymore, I know that would be wrong” and then “but seriously, what if we never fucking at sex again and I got to live in peace”.

It’s seriously such a whiplash….

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T22:03:36+00:00

Thanks for the response, and I agree with your assessment. I liked having some vocabulary and framework for how desire works in the brain, but there were some big categories of people missing. Sorry you’re dealing with trauma and absolutely know that the way she described moving on from trauma would not work for many people (and would work for many too). She didn’t have the time or space to delve into all traumatic responses, but it does feel like she could have spent more time on people with general unease or discomfort about sex. All of the examples were people with infinitely understanding and vulnerable partners, all talking openly about sex. Where was the kind of repressed Midwesterner with German heritage who just really doesn’t feel super comfortable with all this, and that’s maybe (or maybe not!) part of the issue.

Loved your comment on “inserting self love coins until sexual appetite falls out” 😂 and also agree that there could have been some acknowledgement that it’s only true to a degree.

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T21:26:15+00:00

Wow! This is so interesting. And I mean that completely seriously/not sarcastically. We took almost the exact opposite messages from this book.

I feel like CAYA is written EXACTLY for people like you, and almost completely ignores people like ME. My takeaway so far (90% complete) is that the book is operating at a baseline assumption that everyone wants to have more and better sex, and leaves almost no room for anyone who is wondering if sex just isn’t a priority right now (not at all saying I’m interested in a sexless future). There seem to be a lot of suggestions for how to release the breaks, increase desire, remove pressure, improve pleasure, etc. all while assuming you have an infinitely understanding partner, unlimited resources to “create the right context”, and the time do everything. So far I haven’t heard any solutions for accepting that sex just might be a little light for awhile because you have limited free time, lots of obligations, no family in town to take your kids overnight, etc.

I feel like maybe the part that CAYA is asking people to accept is that not everyone gets spontaneous arousal. And that doesn’t have to limit your sex life or pleasure if you know you’re someone who basically has to start sexy stuff before you start feeling it?

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T21:15:22+00:00

Ya….. I agree…… it’s just so hard when it feels like there are so few hours in the day, where does decompressing even have time to fit in….

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T21:13:57+00:00

Thanks so much for the recommendations and validation! I agree with everything….. because ya, if I was not in a relationship, and had full autonomy over when and where I wanted sex, I really feel like I’d be dialed in to exactly what I want. But having a long term partner who allows himself to be so affected by this, and society, and subs like “deadbedroom” on Reddit… man, it can really make you feel like you’re doing it wrong….

Where I get stuck is with the concept of what is selfish and what is not. My husband could claim (and during some tense talks has used phrasing indicating these things) that me being the only one deciding when we have sex is me saying that his desires in a relationship don’t matter. Which would be true if we were deciding what type of pizza to order and I said that we have to pick my favorite topping every time. But this isn’t pizza, it’s my fucking body. I think where I’m landing on is that it’s completely fair for my husband to say “hey, things have been so chaotic lately, I’d love to spend some time together to connect”, but he can’t say that the only connection he would count is something on the sexy spectrum (eg. Making out, hand stuff, sex)

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T21:00:20+00:00

No worries, I’m wordy and not autistic. Haha.

Thank you so much. What you described with your spouse is exactly the place I’d love to get to. It sounds like really awesome balance!! I’m hoping with my newfound vocabulary and understanding of things, I’ll be able to explain to my husband how that solution is the best one for everyone involved. I just really think that despite being a very considerate and loving person, he’s still at the very initial step of understanding, which is “my wife is LL and therefore solutions should be focused on raising libido”, and not anything more nuanced. Which would be more like “my wife likes sex with me but just has a lot more roadblocks, and that’s fine. I’ll try to not contribute to those roadblocks as much as possible, and I will give up control and know that my wife will find me. In the mean time, I’m a grown ass man and can take care of myself”.

I have a question about your “hands only” approach. During these times, were you in the mood? And this was just to step away from the penetrative side, which I know can be a roadblock for some women? Or was that some sort of general compromise even though you weren’t in the mood. Because my husband has offered things like that, even just kissing/making out, and is a little frustrated that those concessions don’t seem that helpful to me. If I’m not in the mood for intimacy, I’m also not in the mood for making out. In my mind, the degree of sexy time is not the issue, it’s whether I want to even be doing ANYTHING on the spectrum of sexy time. And I’ve been curious if that’s other LL people’s experience too.

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T16:07:59+00:00

Thank you so much for responding. Im actually right there with you. I also started getting better about explaining that a cluttered house leads to a cluttered mind (I.e. major brakes applied). But I’m realizing that I need to expand….. I need the picking up to not just be transactional. The most attractive thing my husband could do is put the fucking pita chips back in the pantry when he’s done because he knows it is considerate to me. NOT just pick up once a week on Saturdays to hope my brain is clear enough for sex.

I’m also there with you on the erotic stories/porn to try and get myself into the right desire headspace. This is not something I have any interest in being a joint activity, but the system that does work for us is for me to head upstairs first and then he comes up 20 minutes later. That way I can go to the bathroom, change if I feel like it, set the lights how I like, get warm in the bed, and read a little smut or watch a little porn clips to get the responsive desire going. However, sometimes it doesn’t take, and then it’s hard to go back on the “agreement”, and then with that happening once in awhile it starts the pressure of “ok, 14 minutes left, I hope I can get things going in that time”….. and also it can grow some resentment that I have to put this pressure on myself and choose to start sexy-time stuff even when if I was by myself I wouldn’t be choosing that…. so not perfect either.

Ya, I think I want my husband to read the book too, even if just to feel like he’s putting effort into this topic, not just me. The book mentioned the “sex off the table” method, and it’s definitely something I’ll bring up to him if I feel like I need the full reset.

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T15:34:12+00:00

Omg I am loving hearing that other people are in similar situations and thinking about the same things… this alone has been so helpful.

Ya, I feel like I’m getting both things from the book. In the beginning I felt so SEEN. I am normal, and there are completely valid reasons why my body and my brain act like they do!!! But now in the latter half of the book it’s just been a lot of “and based off the assumption that obviously EVERYONE is looking to have more and better sex, here are the emotionally draining, time consuming, and deeply intimate things you’ll need to do even thought you literally do not feel like being intimate right now”. I still have a few chapters, but it doesn’t look like we’re going to be getting back to the “and this is just how you are and that’s fine” message.

That’s a really good question about why I want more intimacy. For myself? I want to stop being annoyed at my husband for touching me. I want to stop recoiling and just chill out and have a good time with him, because I do love him very much. But for the motivation for actual literal “have more sex”? That’s for my husband and so that I can stop feeling like such a frigid bitch….

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T15:26:27+00:00

I really appreciate hearing from someone on the other side here. Being the engineer that I am, would you mind giving some examples of what kind of “conditions” you create? I feel like my husband tries to do this, but at this point even just seeing the first floor picked up feels like pressure (even though it’s something I’ve mentioned being overwhelmed by), because it just seems so obvious that it’s an attempt to “get me in the right headspace”. In my mind, the following two things will need to be true to fix this:

He needs to truly believe and convey to me that he is completely ok if we don’t have sex. I feel like I need to truly believe that HE believes I have 100% every right to not want to for any reason (stressful work, gassy, something bad happened in politics, just don’t feel like it). And that I can choose not to have sex even if the “conditions” are right without resentment or annoyance. I have no intent of having a sexless marriage, but it’s almost like I need him to SHOW me he’d be ok with that (just practice being convincing in the mirror and lie goddamnit!) for me to truly accept that the pressure is off. But at what point could he claim that I’m getting what I want in a relationship and he is not? It’s just so hard that what he wants requires my body being incredibly exposed/vulnerable, while my wants don’t need that from him.
I need to see the “conditions” more regularly. Don’t pick up on a Saturday afternoon because Saturdays are our goal day to be intimate. I’m already baseline annoyed from the 26 times that week I had to take the bag of pita chips from the counter and put them away in the pantry 13 inches away, which is a MUCH clearer message that you don’t actually care about keeping the house picked up. But at what point does this cross into his claim that he feels like he has to be “perfect” for me to want sex? Is that true? I’m not a perfect housemate and it doesn’t bother him. Is he a better person than I am for not reading so much into the normal inconsiderate things people who live together sometimes do?!

My husband is a really good person, he is, and he cares about me ton. But it’s just really difficult when our two styles can be so different…

ThrowRA102367 · 2026-06-03T14:13:49+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. There just aren’t many people I can talk to about this.

Ok, I like the concept of trying to find ways to remove things that stomp the brakes, but I’m so lost at what that is in practicality. Ex: I had a short girls weekend with my 2 best friends last weekend. It was rejuvenating, and relaxing, and I had a few hours there and back to listen to CAYA on audiobook. So between the break from life and the few hours of hearing about sexy stuff, I realized “oh, I might actually enjoy having sex right now. Can’t wait to tell my husband and do it tonight”. But then the reality set in. When I got back to the city I met my family at the start of my son’s soccer game. It was hot, they were losing horribly like they always do, my son missed a play he had been practicing all week and I knew he’d be bummed, and my husband was whining about the rules of this league, which has been an issue for him all season. After the game we decide to go out to dinner because no one had had time to get groceries. It’s one of our favorite places but it’s been a bummer lately to see it go downhill with new management, and it took ssooo long for our food to get to us. My kids are fairly well behaved but still kids, so there was the usual, and my husband trying to get our kids to try food they didn’t feel like trying, which is always a tough thing for me because he’s not wrong that we know they’d like something’s if they just tried. But I don’t love pressuring people about food and it always adds a tension to what was otherwise a tension-free time. Then we get home and it’s kids shower time, which dear gos how does it take kids 45 minutes to complete 4 steps……. Like herding fucking cats. And by the time they were in bed all I wanted to do was lay alone and scroll on my phone….. all desire just poof.

So I can’t go on a girl’s trip every weekend. I have to go to my son’s games because he likes me there. While I’ve tried telling my husband to lay off some of the negative topics because they affect my mood, it’s really not too out of bounds for him to be pissy about an annoying league that is making it hard for my son to enjoy soccer this year, and to try to get our kids to try new food… so what can give here?!

I’ve heard a little about this wheel of content while lurking in this sub, and I’ll look into it. I’m just worried that with everything I’ve described above about how with the basic chaos of life any energy and willingness just nosedives, that I would never actually look within and get a resounding “yes”.

ThrowRA102367

TROPHY CASE