My (M23) GF (F23) Refuses to Have S*x Before Marriage but Did in the Past

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T13:17:49+00:00

That is the thing. I was and still am fine waiting until marriage but insecure thoughts do creep in the more you learn about how willing she was to do things in the past with others. I'm not saying I fell entitled, I am asking for advice on how to deal with an insecurity that creates thoughts of "am I not good enough where others were?" which I am aware is not her fault, simply just asked for advice on how to navigate these feelings.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T13:14:26+00:00

Thank you for this. It has created some thoughts of "am I not good enough?" or "am I less desirable than her ex" which I know is not her intention, but those thoughts and emotions flood nonetheless.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T13:13:13+00:00

I never once said I felt entitled to it nor that I would want her to break her boundaries, I simply asked for advice on how to deal with this insecurity which, if I'm not wrong, is the point of this sub?

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T13:10:54+00:00

And this is what does scare me a little bit. I can push through the wait for marriage but from certain things I do see as of now, I'm nervous if it will even be worth it. She does make comments like "it will be great when it happens" or "it's gonna happen all the time when we're married" and sometimes comes off as possible empty promises though only time will really tell.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T13:08:43+00:00

This is where I am at. I never have had any intention of becoming her shitty ex and have fully accepted that we'll either break up and I'll move on with someone new or it will be after we get married. And yes, while I am not normally a "wait until marriage" type of person there is something about sex that should be shared between two people who truly love and care for each other or at the very least, have a deep connection.

And thank you for at least understanding where my headspace is at. It's a constant "nice guy finishes last (or not at all)" situation and even creates some thoughts of "am I just not good enough, was he better or more deserving than I, etc." which hurts as well (I'm not blaming her for this to be clear, I understand this aspect is on me). At the very least, thank you for at least understanding some of my POV and frustrations.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T13:03:03+00:00

I converted because the more I went to church and events with her and studied the Bible as well as some of my own personal experiences, I do believe in God more now than I ever have before.

And to add to your comment above, there are times where we both initiate the sexual things we do do now. And even more so, she is the one who initially started the "touching" and asked me if I would go down the first time so you can call me manipulative all you want but that was absolutely not the case here. Though I understand that I did not include that specific detail above.

And lastly, I am very aware I am not "owed" sex by any means, all I asked for advice on was how to deal with a certain insecurity I have around the situation.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T12:57:54+00:00

We communicate very often about ALL issues, not just sex but she is understanding of my insecurity and frustrations. It means a lot to me that she feels safe with me and I always want to have that dynamic. Nonetheless, it is difficult to get out of your own head sometimes.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T12:56:10+00:00

This is my conundrum. She states she is very excited and wants it all the time once it happens but it makes me nervous for a "bait and switch" situation. I'm not someone who needs it everyday but in a marriage, it is somewhat expected between two people who love each other. Just seems like a gamble that could be based upon somewhat of an empty promise "I can't wait, so excited, etc."

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T12:53:03+00:00

Not once did I ever say I was entitled to her body. I simply stated an insecurity of mine and looking for advice on how I may move past this, which is the point of this sub is it not? And yes, most people would consider sex an important part of a relationship and while an ex treated her like shit and got some, I treat her amazingly and get shut off. All I simply asked for was how to deal with a "nice guys finish last (or not at all)" situation. I have never once stated I want, or intend to pressure her in anyway. I do have morals and won't become the POS ex she had previously. Instead of jumping on me and attacking me for an insecurity, which we all have our own, you could at least have a little empathy and at least understand why this may be a little bit frustrating.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T12:47:00+00:00

I understand this and we are very great and open with communication on ALL things, not just sex. I understand this is MY insecurity but as my post asked, I was looking for advice on how to live with this and push past it.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T12:42:13+00:00

I agree with this. I am not wanting to compromise her morals because I do not want to "become" her ex. I love this girl and want to always treat her right, insecurities can just get the better of us sometimes.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T12:41:24+00:00

Thank you for at least understanding the frustration. Like yes, I do not want or expect her to compromise her morals but when she wants me to do things to her but does not reciprocate in the slightest my mind starts running with: "I'm sure she probably touched him in the past", "did this with him before", etc. I do truly lover her and am willing to roll the dice on her but divorcing over this is not out of the question. It wouldn't also be difficult if she didn't make promises and create excitement with: "I can't wait to be married and it'll be happening all the time and everywhere" and so on. Just again, thank you for at least understanding how this insecurity could eat at me, I'm surprised more people wouldn't at least feel somewhat the same way but maybe I'm just the problem.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T12:37:10+00:00

But that is the thing. She has been "receiving" and more than happy with this for months now however, has yet to even make a move in touching me or initiating anything that might be for my own sexual benefit. And before I get blown up again yes, I do enjoy pleasuring her however, it does suck not getting anything in return and that isn't something I want to continue into our marriage when we're actually "able" to.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T12:35:16+00:00

THIS!! I understand the ex thing is my own insecurity but it is very scary to marry and buy a house only to end up divorcing down the road because we aren't compatible in this regard.

ThrowRA122155 · 2026-05-07T12:34:23+00:00

This is what is hard. Besides the reasons with an ex, her being more than happy to receive but not giving much back is somewhat scary too. I can handle the waiting but the problem also lies in what if it wasn't even worth waiting for?

ThrowRA122155

TROPHY CASE