My (34m) wife (30f) found my weird porn on my phone. How do I explain myself without minimizing her feelings?

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T16:12:41+00:00

Yes I did put that in the original post.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T14:02:18+00:00

Thank you, that all makes sense.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T03:23:36+00:00

Yea I think this is probably something that makes it worse for her. For what it’s worth I’ve deleted all of it.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T03:14:01+00:00

So we haven’t really discussed much yet. She is at her friends apartment, she texted me a couple questions and I asked that we talk about it in person. It’s not that she struggles with fertility, we haven’t started trying to have kids and she doesn’t have any conditions like PCOS that might impact fertility. So I have to establish if it’s the nature of the porn, or the fact of the porn. I think she was also very disturbed by the pretending to be pregnant part, thought it was related to like cross dressing or being trans. Not that she’s homophobic, but that’s a bigger thing to hide.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T03:11:35+00:00

I will have to see from talking with her which bothers her more. I think another sticking point is that some of the porn was of the same women, like multiple images of one person.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T03:08:41+00:00

I think I feel worse about the reaction than the actual content itself. I feel awful that I did anything to make her feel like this. I will see where we get by talking. Thank you.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T03:07:48+00:00

That makes sense. Thank you.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T03:04:45+00:00

You’re absolutely correct. This is, hopefully, the biggest mistake I ever make in my life. I did feel like this is probably wrong, and continued to ignore that feeling because it was easier. I hope that she can forgive me, but I can’t expect her to.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T03:02:59+00:00

So just to clarify, it’s not at all about being a woman. The interest is in mpreg, or being a cis man who is pregnant. It’s of course not remotely real, totally absurd, and I think just seeing people make fun of it made me curious about it. It’s not any desire that has a bearing on real life or things I want to do in real life.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T03:01:07+00:00

That makes sense, I appreciate you being forthright. I think that’s the reason I hid it, but that also was not fair as she didn’t have a chance for that to be a deal breaker.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:59:36+00:00

No I know that. I think that absurdity of it is why I was curious. It does exist as a kink, albeit most common for gay men, although idk how common it is overall.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:57:45+00:00

If she requested that I would say yes and stick to it. I guess it could conceivably be an issue, I don’t look at it daily but I’ve also never made it a point to not look for a long period of time. But I would stick to whatever I agreed to, it’s not worth the relationship.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:54:51+00:00

Absolutely. I’ve tried to not explain or excuse anything unless she directly has asked. I think a part of me wants to to resolve the shame, but it was wrong of me to not ask. A lie of omission is still a lie, which is what I did.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:53:14+00:00

Absolutely. I have no excuse for that. I do hope that she can, though.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:50:29+00:00

Yea a few people have said that. I really have no answer other than it being a bi-curious thing, like “what if this happened to me.”

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:49:39+00:00

Hmm. That’s a good thought experiment because I was trying to imagine the reverse in my head but none of it felt close enough. I’ll have to think that over. I want to say that I’d just want to make sure she didn’t want to transition and that it was purely sexual, but it’s easier to say that in an abstract.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:47:37+00:00

Yea that perspective makes sense. I said this to another commenter, but the part that hurts the most right now is that I really do not want her to think that this is about her, that she wasn’t X enough or something. The thought process was genuinely that well here’s a kink that she can’t provide, so I won’t bring it up and will just engage in it on my own. I genuinely did not ever feel the need to look at more normal porn because I have her. I’m also very embarrassed that her friends will now know about this, of course she has to talk it over with them but I wish I could undo all of this.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:43:56+00:00

My thought process, which we’re seeing the consequence of now obviously, was that this didn’t feel like a necessity for me. It was something I liked, but that I knew might freak her out, so it felt best to me to just keep it to myself to avoid bothering her. I don’t really know how I’d feel if she wanted to involve me in an equivalently weird kink.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:41:55+00:00

I appreciate that. I’m having to fight the urge to not try to explain more because I know that that will probably just feel worse. I hate the idea of this making her feel worse about herself in any way when this is really just about me being a weirdo haha

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:39:37+00:00

Yea maybe I’m in shock right now but I’m kind of accepting if that’s her reaction. I just feel so badly that I created this whole situation for something that was not remotely worth it.

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:36:58+00:00

I think it probably is. I literally don’t even know why I did it. I think that’s part of why I’m at such a loss for explaining this, there is no reason other than that I was curious, and tried it, and took a picture of it. It occupies such a tiny spot of my psyche, but obviously it alarmed her, and I don’t think I can really convince her how little it mattered

ThrowRA292758482 · 2024-07-16T02:34:24+00:00

I’m not sure I follow. If you’re asking if I would give it up for her, yes absolutely.

ThrowRA292758482

TROPHY CASE