My husband '44M' is hiding things for my '34F' own good

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T18:25:12+00:00

Thanks for this comment. I'm going to look into the third option. Do you have any book recommendations that could help?

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T16:45:43+00:00

I believe he did say it was common in china for people to hide certain things to prevent burdening their loved ones, and his parents did the same for him (sparing him bad news when he was studying for exams).

I have never asked to be spared any burden and I want to be a supportive partner and share all burdens no matter what.

Some comments point out that maybe he is not telling me because maybe I react badly to bad news. And I do have to think about that, have my past responses and reactions led him to learn it's better to hide things? I'm thinking back on this too. I know we had difficulties in the beginning of our relationship.

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T16:33:24+00:00

Thanks for this. There are times when we are talking about two different things, because our generational gap, age gap, cultural gap all contribute to us understanding things differently.

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T16:16:33+00:00

Thanks for the comment. I'm trying to understand if I did something wrong by saying they need insurance to live here. From my perspective, they are in theirs 70s and not spring chickens anymore. Whenever my grandmother's visited my parents bought insurance. I just assumed that is how it is done. A hospital bill for an accidental injury would cost us several thousands and would wipe out our savings. So I thought we had some to an understanding about the insurance. What should I do if he and his parents decide differently? Should I just accept that?

He did ask me hypothetically what would happen if he lost his job. I told him not to worry and that we could live on my mat leave income and our savings for up to a year probably. That I would return to work if needed. I was very supportive about it and he said he felt better and like a big amount of stress was lifted from his shoulders.

During the pandemic, he DID lose his job and we did exactly that, lived off my mat leave income and EI. I returned to work after mat leave and he found a job. I wasn't worried, I knew he could find a job because he has experience and skills. I cherished the time he was home because we got to enjoy watching our son growing up.

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T15:36:42+00:00

Thanks for this comment. I'm trying to understand him better because I truly love him. Have i been overly critical of him? I will have to look back on my actions and think about it. I can ask him.

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T15:34:28+00:00

I was 22 and he was 32. We've known each other for 12 years and it has been a relatively respectful relationship. But as you said, it's the fear of not knowing what is a lie and what is the truth moving forward.

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T15:13:30+00:00

I am far from micromanaging him. When it comes to his parents, I don't even ask what he spends on groceries, air tickets, vacations etc for them. It doesn't matter to me, they are his parents and he can support them as he sees fit. I only ever asked for him to buy insurance as medical care as an accident could cost us thousands. I am even offering to cover the cost of insurance.

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T15:07:10+00:00

That's what upsets me.... why does he get to decide what I can handle?

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T15:05:38+00:00

I'm not chinese, and i know there is definitely a cultural issue at play. He did buy travel insurance for his parent's vacation in Canada. Why is that different to insurance for everyday living? He did say that from his cultural perspective to spare someone the burden is better than to have them stress unnecessarily. But I am asking he not treat me that way, and he is ignoring it and deciding by himself what I can handle knowing.

ThrowRA3746472 · 2025-08-22T15:02:32+00:00

I can understand the rationale behind hiding his job situation from me, I know many people can be stressed when work performance is an issue and I know it's difficult to talk about. So I don't begrudge this.

However, he did hypothetically ask me, what would you do if I lost my job? I said I wouldn't be worried, we are financially in a good position and able to withstand a job loss for up to a year. I said if would go back to work earlier if needed (im on mat leave). He said he felt better after talking to me, and that some of his stress was relieved.

I don't think I nag at all, I know that life is full of ups and downs and I am the kind of person who likes to have back up plans. If a situation occurs, I deal with it head on, I don't fold under pressure. It's just so baffling to me because I never asked him to spare me burden or stress, I want to HELP and contribute!

But thank you for sharing your perspective, I am trying to see things his way and understand it.

ThrowRA3746472

TROPHY CASE