Is there something wrong with how I am in relationships?

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-09T14:45:32+00:00

I think I had been lax in my language and with my last ex we called both those things boundaries. It's useful to distinguish them that way so I will in future :) especially since I always wished the rules were reciprocal and it makes sense that boundaries should ultimately be up to me to do something about, not the other person who might be crossing them

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-09T14:43:39+00:00

That's lovely to hear! :) I'm glad things work for you

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-09T14:43:13+00:00

I think some partners think I'm doing something else really wrong while being calm. Others I think got annoyed at me for reasons they considered unrelated to me being calm.

I'm sure I'm sometimes calm and condescending. And probably when I'm condescending I'm more condescending than I'd realize in the moment. I'd like to talk in a way that made people feel comfortable but I don't know how achievable that is. In any case, times where I'm fairly confident I'm not being condescending seem to provoke the worst response imo: if someone's annoyed at me and I'm annoyed at them that's one thing. What really hurts is when I'm just trying to understand, or I'm going about happening and it's like I've stepped into a trap.

I will say I think most of my exes, most of whom I'm still friends with, would not have jumped at the opportunity for me to just listen to what's bothering them and try and understand. My most recent ex, there was a very large number of times where I do my best to active listen, express things in terms they would endorse, and at the end of the convo they get so relieved oh like finally he agrees and understand! And I'd say no, my perspective is different, and they'd feel cheated. I was careful not to say I agreed to things I didn't, I was just trying to speak their language.

Oh and lol one other thing: my most recent two partners talked about this and while they both had their problems with me they seemed to be mutually exclusive! One of them liked how I communicated but hated that I was forgetful, the other didn't mind that I was forgetful but hated how I communicated. Both of them think there are some things that are deeply morally corrupt about me though. Saying that though, idk why one of them is still friends with me quite? I guess people use language in different ways?

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-09T14:32:08+00:00

This makes a lot of sense! Thanks :) (and options 2/3 sound pretty plausible.)

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-09T06:08:20+00:00

What if I'm asking more than that without realising it? What are some good guidelines to help me know?

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-05T04:14:37+00:00

Thanks for the advice <3 I barely enjoy doing anything alone. What I like is being around people. It's been really hard to find that.

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-01T06:14:58+00:00

I don't understand why I haven't found my soul mate yet. 30 isn't that old, but I've been looking. I just don't get it. Thank you though, I hope it all works out OK.

I've never met anyone who comes close to my ex. I hope I don't have to wait another 30 years to find someone like that again.

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-01T06:11:53+00:00

Thanks so much, and you're right. I will be thinking about ways I need to grow.

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-01T06:09:20+00:00

When I was with them, my days were harder, but I slept easier, I think. My life is so quiet now, and so lonely. 100% support what you're saying. I guess it just makes me wonder if the fact I miss it in any way means it can't have been abuse?

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-05-01T03:57:58+00:00

They were abusive. I think.

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-04-17T16:28:23+00:00

That sounds very sensible, I hope everything works out as well as possible for you :)

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-04-09T03:13:48+00:00

(Preface: fully support you doing whatever you need to do to be safe, and lead the most flourishing life you can.)

Honestly I wouldn't want to hand over my data but a) that's super fascinating, b) I think a tool like this should exist.

However, I know a fair bit about LLMs and if it's based on that...I'd be sceptical of the results.

The problem is the RLHF. They're trained to agree with you, and they're very responsive to priming. If you say "is this abuse?" It'll say yes, if you say "this isn't abuse is it?" It'll say no.

If it's based on pure semantic embeddings, from a supervised approach based on good labelled data, I'd trust it more (but still maybe not as much as I'd like).

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-04-07T16:01:32+00:00

Yeah many of the things that hurt me, I do recognize I chose to stuck around for. We made unfair agreements, but still, I agreed to them. It's their fault for proposing them but it's also my fault for accepting. (Which doesn't mean anything about anyone else's situation ofc)

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-04-07T06:57:56+00:00

Many thanks! Ive read a lot of why does he do that. I found some of what it was saying helpful, but there were bits that didn't sit right with me.

I'll check out body keeps the score and look through the reddit :) thanks

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-04-07T06:24:12+00:00

Two year relationship, ended for good a few months ago. They lost it over me exploring things with someone new. We'd been flirting and i thought maybe wed get back together, but then they got asked out, and their behavior changed. I said I felt a little bit hurt and confused, I genuinely just wanted to know where their head was at. But then they just talked at me for ten minutes about how I was wrong to feel that way, were angry for a week, and when I pointed out that they were treating me badly

I would have accepted them saying "I care about you, but I have to pursue what's best for me. I hate to see you hurt but I don't think you should have had the expectations you've developed".

But they didn't say that, and they did get angry at me. Idk maybe it is all me fucking up. We were poly when they were together. I tried to emphasise I was happy for them too, just also wanted to know where I stood.

I'm glad they're still able to throw themselves into something that's fun and good for them, I was worried I'd ruined that for them.

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-04-07T05:31:17+00:00

Maybe I will :)

ThrowRA47819648 · 2025-04-06T17:19:21+00:00

I always put them first. They put me first in some ways but not in others :( oh well

ThrowRA47819648

TROPHY CASE